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1. Wing Mirrors for Pantomime Characters - dispenses with all that "he's behind you!" nonsense.
2. Scratch And Sniff Christmas Cards - tree, holly, turkey and little baby jesus flavours.
3. Contemporary Carol Singers - come on, move those tunes on - I want So Santa Crew giving me a bit of Bling
Bling Merrily On High on the porch of my crib.
4. The Queen's Speech - It's the Queen for chrissakes, it may be boring but you only listen to her for 10 minutes a year. On Very Loud Tannoys From Every Street Corner please with a lot of crackly reverb. Everyone on their doorsteps - enforced by guardsmen in bearskins (with a dusting of snow on the top).
5. Government funded Santa Claus - Just cos I stopped believing in him doesn't mean I don't want a present. I pay my taxes, send me a bottle of brandy, wrapped up nicely, delivered on Christmas morning by the postman in a santa suit saying ho ho ho.
6. A Longer Countdown To The New Year. At noon on the 31st December everyone (and you've all got to do it or it won't be any good) starts counting down. All together now "forty three thousand two hundred, forty three thousand one hundred and ninety nine etc). Imagine the anticipation.
7. National Lottery Christmas Puddings - One of them's got a million pounds inside, in sixpences. It could be you.
8. Boxing Day Pawn Shop in every town. Take back all those unwanted socks / jumpers / perfume / videos / cds and swap them for cash or booze - no present refused.
9. A Winter of Content. Industrial action by the workers - eveyone pulls a sickie until the 15th of January. Together we stand. No shirking your responsibilty to your fellow skivers now.
10. White Christmas For All - Astrosnow laid out by council workers on Christmas Eve if it doesn't snow. Deep and crisp and nylon.
(?) White Chocolate Jesus with Liquid Cherry Center
http://www.halfbake...d_20Cherry_20Center
by Maestro. [my face your, Oct 17 2004]
[link]
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I like #5 the best. I want a present from my government too. |
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[TeaTotal]: Didn't you get your present in the mail back in
August? |
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Not so sure about #4,, but the rest of them are smashing, notripe. Croissant. |
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I especially like "Bling Bling Merrily on High". |
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::::::::::!applause!:::::::::: |
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hooray queens speech from every corner hee hee |
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Croissant.
Rods, I'll swap you an old issue of 'Farmyard Bondage'' for a 'Hooj Hooters'. |
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blimey, I'm not sure if I'm happy or not that I have a croissant for Christmas. The queens speech thing was more to get people out of their houses for ye olde worlde street party - I always thought there was something quite chrismassy about guardsmen (red & white outfits?). Maybe if the tannoys start going up now there could be a bit of golden jubilee street party action next year by order HRH. Better than endless earnest TV voiceovers about ooh look at that lovely blue hat she's wearing what fashion sense for a monarch blah etc. |
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Sixpence is worth 2.5 pence since decimalisation, so there are 40 of them to one pound sterling. |
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A current penny weighs around 3.5 grammes, and I recall that a sixpence was slightly smaller, so let's call it 3 grammes. |
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So that's 3 x 40 x 1,000,000, or 120,000,000 grammes.
Which works out at 88,106 lb, or a little over 39 tons. |
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Now we need someone to work out how much Christmas pudding mix we'll need to hide that little lot in.... |
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Ah yes. 264,317 lb. That's 118 tons. A slip of the calculator, I apologise. Should've stuck with metric, you're right. |
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Your six semi-trailers would only carry the sixpences I'm afraid. If we want to "hide" them in the pudding, we're going to need at least three times that amount of Christmas pudding mixture. |
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So bigger Christmas puddings then. Wicked. |
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Don't forget that if you don't want it to be obvious which pudding has the pence, then ALL of the Christmas puddings need to be that size... |
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Sure, and our guv would party up 120 MM puddings, only 40 MM of which would have a sixpence inside. Grumble, murmur, humbug … read the fine print and no, don't get your flippin bob back. |
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Boxing day -- USA -- go, ¯notripe! |
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love the astrosnow, i want some!(lol)
this must the same stuff they use on manmade practice ski slopes.
and a longer new year countdown. would help every time the canapes in the oven. |
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or you could have 12 hour new year parties and realy get smashed. (lol) |
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I don't like Christmas pudding. Can I have my sizpences in a big Harvey Nicks Panetone? |
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[blissmiss] I'm sure half of your countrymen find it upsetting that the Democrats got so many votes in the last election. After all the Republican Party is so superb. |
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I wonder what baby jesus tastes like... |
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Well, I haven't been to a church in over 15 years, but as I recall, he tasted like bread... |
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Well, I've got a fire in my hearth for him. If he grows up he'll just get tough, so I say go with the last wishes. |
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Barnzenen: I believe he tastes just like chicken. |
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From a sorta Willy Wonka perspective, just say that next year the National Lottery got together with the big supermarkets and co-branded puddings with some having a million pound token sixpence in them (to save the hassle of the pudding being six storeys high). It'd need a lot of TV advertising and an ability to move quickly with re-orders - but I bet they'd fly. |
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There are ethical issues, in that very unchristmassy pang of deflating optimism that most lottery players feel on a saturday night at 8.01pm (although that could be just cos Casualty's on) would be taken to christmas dinner. And the usual demographic of lottery ticket buyers, which has always been a tax on those that can least afford it. To fix that you could pile an extra £3 on M & S puddings, £2 on Sainsbury's /Tescos etc and £1 on Costcutter, but then only put the tokens in the latter. A sort of stealth benefit. Anyone got any Camelot connections? |
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[Neverdie] Jesus does taste like bread or rather a nasty old wafer that sticks to the roof of your mouth (I always found Catholicism hard to swallow) - but that's Jesus at 33 (I think) not a little baby. Thing is, it being scratch and sniff it's what would he have smelt like and that's bound to be a donkey manger with undercurrents of frankincense and confused dad. Maybe a bit of cordite from the angel. |
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[wess] 12 hour NYE parties is the bare minimum - 48 to 72 hours is ideal, and that's why you have to do #9. |
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[blissmiss] dunno where the enemies could've come from - maybe they can't see my spiritual core. |
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[unabubba] if *real* = proper, then I always was. |
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It's equal to 1.44050 US dollars, according to the currency converter I use. It's the English base unit of money, like the dollar is in the US. |
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well, get a new job. you don't deserve to be around these people. |
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blissmiss: that's a squib. No wait, a squab. Squibs explode, squabs don't. Well, not unless I'm the cook. A quid is the gummy brown lump of fibrous matter kept tucked inside a cracker's lower lip. I certainly would not pay a buck or a pound or a yen or a mark for a quid. |
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in no 4 perhaps the lite dusting of snow on the guardsmen should be Astrosnow, although it might make them look rather ridiculous. |
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Dog Ed: That's not a quid, it's a cud. Like cows... |
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Thank you, I need to go through the archives more often. . . |
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I just sprayed my monitor with tea in a fit of giggles from reading "Deep and crisp and nylon" - brilliant. |
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about rule number 2, how exactly would baby jesus taste? otherwise i love it (not that i dont love a good tasty baby jesus ) croissant for you!! |
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11. Eliminate the commercialism of christmas. (Enough said.) |
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Merry Christmas! Nice one [notripe] wherever you are. + |
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I love that. Deep and crisp and nylon. hahahahaha. Still don't know what bling bling means though (am thoroughly unhip). |
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Yes, yes, yes! [Croissant] |
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Danged pre- anti-list law grandfathering. |
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As I understand it, this isn't a list in the mfd sense - that is, it isn't calling for the annotations to make a list. |
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I like number 7 very much. For it to work, the national lottery has to make hundreds of puddings of astronomic dimensions, however. The procession of space shuttle transport crawlers delivering them would be quite a sight. Decorate the free space on the crawler and place some Santa Clauses on it. Then, the "lucky" recipient digs in and is immediately crushed by a deadly flood of sixpence coins... |
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The best bit would be hauling all those sixpences to your local bank or post office only be told that they haven't been legal tender since about 197x. Can you imagine the humiliation? |
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are you all still here? aww, it's like bumping into long lost friends at a new year's eve, eve party. I point you all in the direction of 6. happy new year. |
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Hi there, old-timer! I'm starting my countdown now. |
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saw this and thought - I quite miss [faceache]! |
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Count me in for the greeting, you, notripe you are a
sight for sore eyes. |
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