A couple of weeks ago I watched 'The Incredibles'. A lot of kids were there and they made a lot of noise, as I expected. Unfortunately, this made a bunch of adults behind me feel free to spend the whole film loudly discussing what to do afterwards. This really got my goat. Delighted squeals of kids; "Look Mummy, he lifted the car up!" or "Wow, she's stretchy!" are cute (at kid's films at least) but the incessant drone of a bunch of morons isn't. Not by a long way.

As I was sitting under the speakers at the end of the row I began to think about noise cancelling 'antisound' (un-sound?) systems. Since cinemas tend to have stereo systems that could peel skin off it seems to me that they could also remove all non-movie noise. If a (rather powerful) computer were used to store and play the soundtrack it could also compare this with input from strategically placed microphones and play a noise of opposite (polarity, orientation, what is the word for an identical waveform but upside down?) to neutralise all but the movie. Bastards could then amuse themselves by shouting and only hearing a bare, muffled version of the noise and the rest of could actually hear the film instead.

Or am I asking too much of the software? If it couldn't respond quickly enough I suppose "AAARGH" might be heard as "AA(muffle)" which might amuse noisy people more than bleating normally.

Oh, and I know that this would also have silenced the kids but I didn't fancy adding in clip on lapel microphones for under 10s to allow the computer to ignore their noise. I did consider it though.
-- stilgar, Nov 25 2004

Medusa 5.1 Surround Headset http://www.speed-li...=8&prod_num=SL-8790
Surround sound headphones made by Speed-Link [lyserge, Nov 26 2004]

I feel your pain. I wish it would work. It won't.
-- swamilad, Nov 25 2004


There's a lot of work going on in environmental noise cancellation research. I think Kurzweil is focusing on it, amongst others.
-- bristolz, Nov 25 2004


...or put headphone sockets on the armrests.
-- st3f, Nov 25 2004


you have no IDEA how noisy this place is - and that's just the staff. anytime soon, they are going to be blasting me out with carols.
-- po, Nov 25 2004


Headphones would be good. You'd get all of the dialogue, in stereo, and would still feel all of the bass.
-- david_scothern, Nov 25 2004


Does it also counteract the gummy bears that the kids are flicking at the back of my head?
-- Amos Kito, Nov 25 2004


We wouldn't have this problem if only they'd never introduced talkies.
-- lyserge, Nov 25 2004


Drat. Headphones it is then. That's too efficient though so it's probably already baked.
-- stilgar, Nov 26 2004


Headphones are uncomfortable and unsanitary. And wouldn't they just provide basic 'stereo' rather than the all singing-and-dancing Dolby ProLogic Surround whatsit that cinemas are equipped with?
-- paraffin power, Nov 26 2004


Hi paraffin power - see my link to some surround sound headphones. Probably a bit too expensive for cinemas to provide them for every seat, but perhaps one could pay a premium for them.
-- lyserge, Nov 26 2004


How about having noise cancelation gear added to surround sound headphones and available as an option? All seats would have the necessary wiring and sockets but the headphones would only be supplied to those who paid a fee and (probably impractically large) deposit. After signing the mortgage in the lobby the customer would take the headphones into the normal cinema and, oh bugger, promptly have them stolen. Drat.
-- stilgar, Nov 30 2004


I'd recommend direct confrontation of the rude adults [stilgar]. Doesn't have to be aggressive just a simple "Could you please be quiet, I'm trying to watch the film". This sort of thing directed specifically towards them is often more effective than multiple broadcast "sshs".

If it's a noisy kid, have a word with the mo/um directly. Whereas telling the kid off yourself will likely bring out her wounded lioness, a polite entreaty to her usually shames her into controlling her unruly offspring.

For unaccompanied kids, threats work nicely. For mobile phone users, administer repeated blows to the head until the call is ended.
-- DocBrown, Nov 30 2004


Really, the problem is that the soundtrack is distributed willynilly about the room. There is no reason for this sort of profligate wastrelitude to persist. Each theather should be equipped with an array of parabolic microphones (3 per seat) which would be focused at the heads of each seat. There would be one for left ear, one for right ear, and one for the back of the head. On entering the theater, it would be dead quiet, or you might hear some idiots mulling over what to drink after the show. On sitting and leaning back into the headpiece, suddenly your head out be in focus for your seat's speakers and BOOM! Sound!

Actually I think I have seen exactly this, but using speakers mounted in the seat.
-- bungston, Dec 01 2004


There's nothing more annoying than those assholes at the cinema who insist in telling me to be quiet when I'm in the middle of a perfectly civilised conversation with my companions.
-- stupop, Dec 01 2004


Must...resist...[stupop]'s... trolling
-- DocBrown, Dec 01 2004


If you read the idea, it suggests that the poster expected children to be making noise, which is surely legitimate (to an extent) for children watching a family film. The objection to adults having irrelevant conversations would apply whatever the film was.
-- david_scothern, Jan 01 2007


How about ejector seats. . . they'd have to be calibrated for bodies over a certain height and weight to prevent ejecting the kiddies.

The best way to avoid the noise is go mid-week afternoons. It helps to have flexible working hours.
-- esperance, Jan 02 2007


[edison101] That is one of the most depressing annos I have ever read here. It made me wish someone would key your car so I could say, "it's your own fault for driving something so shiny".
-- stilgar, Jan 08 2007



random, halfbakery