It is a well-known and established fact that all humans are born understanding English.

However, through various causes, but mainly because they're nothing more than lazy, shiftless foreigners, large numbers of them seem to have forgotten it by the time they reach adulthood and therefore persist in jabbering at one another in their funny foreign lingo. Worse, when spoken to, they pretend not to understand.

However, it is also well-known that their memories can be jogged by shouting at them, slowly, in English. Gestures may be of assistance in this context.

Now, BorgCo editors are preparing to publish the first English to EENG-LEESH phrase book. Phrases are grouped according to context; for example, "In the Bar" is followed by "In the Street Brawl", "In the Hospital", "In the Police Station", "In the Courtroom" and "In front of the Firing Squad".

The section "In the Post Office" contains phrases such as "STAMPS ... STAMPS FOR POST CARD ... POST CARD TO EEENNG-LAAND .... STAMPS ... Dear God, bunch of bloody monkeys the lot of them, heaven knows why we threw the Krauts out ... STAAMMPS ... POOOSST CAARDD."

Not for us the creaky, antiquated phraseology of yesterday; nowhere will you find such choice phrases as "My motorized velocipede is incommoded; pray, summon an artisan, as I fear there is some derangement of the magneto". No, it's all contemporary and up to date. If you want to inform the barman that you wouldn't mind another beer before next week, and then he can get back to sexual congress with his donkey, then this is the book for you.

Purchasers should note that the section "In the Tobacconist" is currently under revision, as a result of an embarrassing and ultimately violent, yet extremely funny, encounter with a Hungarian gentleman complaing about a scratched record he had purchased.
-- 8th of 7, Apr 02 2017

So you're saying that English speakers never actually get around to learning a language besides baby-talk?
-- RayfordSteele, Apr 02 2017


The "baby talk" is merely the result of imperfect muscular control in the organs of speech. Without intervention, basic English is the result.

Unfortunately, some parents insist on forcing their offspring to communicate in some other, entirely unnatural, spoken form. This is why foreigners have so many problems.
-- 8th of 7, Apr 03 2017


Quite so. It's basically like foot-binding, neck-stretching or thumb-curling; if you can get past infancy without its being done to you, you'll be OK.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 03 2017


The Mayans used to strap two boards to the front and back of baby's heads, to produce a particularly desireable appearance in adulthood; a flattened forehead, a pointy skull, and a distorted nose.

This practice has almost - but not quite - fallen out of favour now, but it's clear that there must be a significant population of Mayan emigres in france, since most presidents of the republic since charles de gaulle have been flat-faced pointy-headed mouth breathers.
-- 8th of 7, Apr 03 2017


//Now that brexit has been tiggered//

Eeyore obviously worried about it.
-- Wrongfellow, Apr 05 2017


"Looks like Scotland fell off again..."
-- RayfordSteele, Apr 06 2017



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