h a l f b a k e r yVeni, vedi, fish velocipede
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swiss army handbag
this is the mother of all bags shaped a little bit like the kitchen sink. | |
when empty, it looks tiny but it has the capacity to expand to enormous.
it will contain pockets for all sorts of necessary items. an organiser bag is just not adequate for the modern young lady of taste.
a pocket for a mobile and a range of telephone directories.
compartments for camera,
tripod, hankies, makeup, address book, diary.
a refrigeration unit for a cold drink, and a vacuum packed area for peanuts, chocolate etc complete with gadget for pumping the air out each time it is opened.
lockable first aid container for PMT tablets, aspirin, assorted plasters, triangular bandage, small lightweight oxygen cylinder, single-use fire extinguisher, “first aid for beginners” manual.
mini-office drawer for pen, paper, rubber, ruler, set square and calculator – you could keep some money in here.
a complete mini-meteorological station is an add-on extra to enable the wearer to assess the weather, a change of clothes and a roll-up raincoat.
a clip on the side when depressed turns the whole thing inside out and opens up into an umbrella. while I would not advocate the use of bullets, this option doubles as a spud gun.
all sorts of gadgets adorn the shoulder strap in the manner of a charm bracelet; bottle opener, scissors, mace spray, whistle, cork screw, screwdriver, nail file etc
off out now, see ya later.
forgot the travel iron and starch spray.
[link]
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Po, croissant just for the Name!! |
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Sounds like the average handbag for a mother of young children. |
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In order to be qualified as "Swiss Army", don't all those things have to fold out from a central "core" piece?
Croissant with fold-out fork, knife and butter. |
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Maybe it has a compartment for her to keep her Swiss Army Man. |
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'Keeper': fishing slang, small fish get thrown back in, larger ones you keep. |
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sssshhhh - he is not swiss. |
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Hmm Po, I didn't //even// intend for that to be a pun. |
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A keeper- colloquialism, more slang for how a "red neck" man would comment among buddies about the potential of a new girlfreind's likely hood of being ideal enough to marry. (As if a redneck 'openly' auditions his new gal among friends.) |
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However, I've never heard it said without an endearing tone-a gentle tongue in cheek. |
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Still fits the bag well!! |
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Po, the "First Aid For Beginners" manual belongs in the fishing tackle boxes. We don't carry stuff we don't need. |
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Just don't try to board an aircraft with your super bag. |
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It would pass as long as she doesn't include the nailfile. Or a copy of the Quran.
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My sister's handbag seems to be like this one, albeit without the compartments. Almost all of the gadgets are there, its just that when any item is needed (generally a mobile phone), there must be a 15 minute rummage around where nothing can be found except tissues. |
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The very mention of a spud gun requires a + vote from me in any case. |
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It sounds so good, the Swiss army might actually want to use it themselves (not sure what they would make of the spud gun, though). |
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Much as we like some aspects of the idea, this does not dissuade us from our view that handbags are the Devil's work and should be hunted down and exterminated. Pockets are the answer. Clothes with proper pockets. |
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aims spud gun at 8th and fire! right on target. |
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I didn't even need to read anything to know this was one of yours [po], have a croissant with a self contained toothpick. |
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Didn't Secret Squirrel used to have one of these? No, wait a minute, that was his hat - the briefcase just had his car/boat/helicopter in it. |
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I'm confused. Does the entire army live in there? |
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I think you'll need more than a shoulder strap to lug this monstrosity around. Wheels and a handle to pull it with might be required. Maybe even a motorized version that follows you around. Regardless, croissant here too for the spud gun. |
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I thought, the same as Jinbish, that handbags were already like this and certainly the military uses of the handbag were well established by Mrs Thatcher in the 1980's. Hence the phrase, often applied to the cowed and browbeaten government ministers of the time, "he was on the wrong end of a good handbagging." |
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Another thing you can do is get a big leather backpacky kind of thing (made in Italy - super!) at the Frankfurt airport, that (I don't mean the airport, I mean the leather thing that you bought at the airport) is just barely able to count as a "handbag" (separate from your so-called carry-on luggage(that contains your camera and laptop and extra undies or whatever)) and throw everything in that bag. If you pack things in separate compartments, they take up more space. Put your water bottle and such on top.
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po - you have done a creditable job of describing my bag. Unfortunately once it was stolen, I still haven't managed to replace all of the mandatory gizmos. |
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After madradish, suggest also a tracking device? |
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If it'd had a tracking device in it, the punks who stole it
would now be headless. It had many important and
meaningful objects within. |
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Does it come with wheels? A pack mule? |
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No one has asked the most important question of all. Is it still possible to dance around the "Swiss Army Handbag"? |
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"Does it come with wheels? A pack mule?" |
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I would Imagine that you could just keep an anti-grav device inside. |
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the truss can be located in the first-aid compartment along with various other leather odds and sods and thongs - so vital for the young modern miss in the 21st Century. |
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