fire football

Football, actual football, (soccer) can be improved greatly with the addition of fire. Kicking a tightly wired, parafin soaked ball of rags around at night is a wonderful experience; the deep woof of a kick, the comet like streak against black sky and the smell of burning hair will be dear to the hearts of many players. So why not apply the same improvements to the American brand of 'foot'ball?

Heavy armour is standard for many players already, so the addition of asbesdos or other fire resistant material wouldn't change their roles much, however, the lighter, niftier offensive players would need a whole new set of strategies. Minimal equipment would be provided, including long gauntlets, goggles and shin protectors to allow them to hold the ball for a short time before passing it. This would provide an exciting spectacle as a ball of flame flys around a rapidly shifting arrangement of players. If the ball was lost to the D-fence (dosen't half sound silly) it would slow down as the heftier fellows prepare the ground for an attack.

The technology would need testing. A low tech solution would be to have a large stock of rag balls. The frequent rests between action would provide natural opportunities to replace tattered balls. The NFFL however, would probably spend millions in developing a special material capable of supplying fuel to it's surface at the right rate without itself burning. The rests would then be used as refueling stops. Experiments would also be needed to determine the most appropriate fuel mixture. Ideally it would have a slow, bright and cool burn. As these qualities don't go together well, a compromise would have to be made.

As it is, the sight of one boob with the nipple covered up is enough to eclipse the most important game of the American Football year. This is a badly needed boost.