h a l f b a k e r yIf ever there was a time we needed a bowlologist, it's now.
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Just lately there seem to have been a lot of annoying people around. There's the woman who parks her car outside my house when she's at work, instead of using the car park. There's the guy at the office who whistles loudly whenever he's walking around. There's the neighbour who has his security light
positioned so that it shines *right in my bloody eyes* when I'm having dinner. Nothing too serious individually, just those minor peeves that can mount up day after day, week after week, until you feel that the only viable solution would be to obtain some major weaponry and blast the crap out of someone.
Don't let this happen to you. Nip the last straw in the bud. All you really need is a little harmless revenge. Call The Piper.
The Piper will wear a sandwich board outlining the nature of your annoyance and, for an agreed fee, will follow your target around all day, staying within ten feet at all times, playing "The Road to the Isles" over and over again on bagpipes.
The Road to the Isles
http://www.electric.../music/roadisle.htm
Do not open at work (except in cases of annoyance) [angel, Nov 10 2004]
are these Argyll & Sutherland Highlanders that I can see?
http://images.thisi...A101104_450x360.jpg
<rubs eyes> must get some new glasses... [po, Nov 10 2004]
Instrument of Torture!
http://members.iine...nickl/torture8.html
I'd say it's an instrument of torture [Madcatter, Nov 14 2004]
(??) Getting baked.
http://story.news.y...nm/odd_india_tax_dc
Drummers instead of pipers, but close. [brodie, Mar 11 2005]
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email me the addresses angel, I'll do it for a small fee. |
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I'll take three trial-size engagements to start, please. Do you prefer Mastercard or personal check? |
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Excellent. During Rag Week we used to
be able to hire gnomes who would
follow you around with a fishing rod.
This is better. |
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Excellent. I can see this service diversifying with keyboard players following people around, playing "Popcorn" over and over. |
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But, then, instead of "paying the piper" you would be paying the keyboardist? I don't think the phrase will make the transition into common parlance. (You do, however, make me wonder what "Popcorn" would sound like on the bagpipes. Canna be good.) |
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Having bought a house, I threw a party, inviting everyone I knew. Everyone I knew showed up, and a lot of other people besides, including one gorilla. This particular gorilla was evidently paid to be my shadow, because it followed me everywhere, without saying a word. Eventually I became frightened, and began running through the house, the gorilla in hot pursuit. I ducked down inside a knot of people, who looked at me strangely, and the big ape ran past, circling all the rooms, again and again, for about twenty minutes. Then it went out the front door, got into an old VW and puttered off. No one ever confessed, and I’d forgotten about it until reading The Piper. |
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[pluterday] You forgot the <dream sequence></dream sequence> tags. |
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If it was a dream, how come I had that hangover? |
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drinking while sleepwalking |
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Surely it's only a dream sequence if the
gorilla is wearing a ballgown. |
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Maybe this should be moved to culture: superhero. [+] because, whether we admit it or not, we all have hoped for a minor damage revenge. |
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As long as no one gets kilt. |
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I agree [pericles] The Piper _is_ a superhero. He's a big laddie with a shock o' red hair and a crazy look in his eye. He has a sidekick "Reed Boy" who takes over when the Piper needs a comfort break. Road to the Isles is still the tune of choice - only difference is that Reed Boy cracks every second note. |
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(Some people find Reed Boy even more frightening!) |
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Future headline: "Bagpipe Rage Incident Shocks Town" |
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Perversely wicked/wickedly perverse...either way, I like it. |
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// You do, however, make me wonder what "Popcorn" would sound like on the bagpipes. // |
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Hm. "Popcorn" is in a minor key, so to make the transition to the Bb major scale, you'd need to play it in... C#m? No, wait... Gm. Could work. |
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Thanks for the link [scout]. This laptop is currently hooked up to the sound desk at the back of a conference for 150-odd people. |
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Croissant. From someone who has bribed a piper £10 to piss off. |
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I can remember being forced to exercise to popcorn in grade 2 gym class. *shudders* |
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I wonder if that could've somehow attributed to my ADHD. |
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"I know a drone that'll get on yer nerves,
get on yer nerves,
get on yer nerves.
I know a drone that'll get on yer nerves,
get on yer,
get on yer nerves." |
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"I know a drone that'll get on yer nerves..." |
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Now really, you MUST have the piper disclose to the offendant at some time the root cause of this, otherwise, they will not get it, and you will of course STILL have the original annoyances hit you the next day, and the madness continues. Bad karma. So, I must be the lone fishboner here, but at least I'm telling you WHY. |
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Please don't send bagpipes after me. |
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Also, since these guys will obviously be mercenary types, what would prevent the offendee from paying them off to "return to sender, with amplitude." |
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[after revisions] OK. fish changed to bun. Still not sure that they wouldn't be pay-offable, but hey, this is the half-bakery. |
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I listened to both songs that are posted in the links in their entirety. There are now scratch marks all over my face and clumps of my hair all around my chair. I torture myself sometimes, it builds character. I need a double shot of vodka to calm my nerves now. |
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[sophocles]: Please see revision.
Regarding the 'return to sender', The Piper is not permitted to engage with the target in any way, and will not reply if spoken to. |
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There are few in this world who are able to play the pipes while wearing a sandwich board, I should imagine. |
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I listened to the Road to the Isles link and have formed the opinion that it would be more annoying to be force fed the computerised version than to get the full meat of the pipes. If the piper's melody gets too much, the listener can always tune it out in favour of the relative sonic balm of the underlying drone. |
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For lovers of the pipes, a similar service could involve a twelve year old endlessly playing "The Entertainer" on a mobile upright piano. |
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A 12 y o playing popcorn on a recorder can be really annoying too. |
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To stop the piper from turning sides use a deaf-mute —this will not only stop most people from paying them to go away, as the piper won’t hear any of the persons pleas for mercy, but also helps the piper be willing to keep playing, as they also have to sit through the hours of agony.
Another suggestion; I think it would be better to not have the piper wear a sandwich board, but leave the person wondering why the piper was following him and not responding to questions or threats, leaving an element of fear in the whole ordeal (like with the gorilla). After the agreed upon length of piping, the piper could go up to the offender and have them sign a form stating:
<form>I (insert your name here) am very, very sorry the I have been callous and annoying when I have (annoyance inserted by injured party), and I pledge to never do it again.</form>
Perhaps you could even have warranties, so that the piper pledges to get the offender to stop his action, and agrees to return for no fee if the person doesn’t change his annoying ways. |
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Another plus: a deaf-mute would play well out of tune. |
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brodie's anno - perfect HB soln to a HB problem. (Deaf-mutes probably would figure out how to take cash to go away, but the guarantee/refund clause would work.) |
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Perhaps the most beneficial thing about this idea is that it keeps Pipers employed. (Dreadful when they're not: they'd *like* to hit the sauce, but Quality Malts are so expensive...!) |
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Some one in the Indian government is a 1/2B member!!!
(see link) |
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