h a l f b a k e r yIt's as much a hovercraft as a pancake is a waffle.
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BorgCo are pleased to be able to offer a new range
of environmentally- friendly dispoasble
incineration systems for a wide range of
applications, from the metre-high "Catroaster"
model to the gigantic multi-level "European
Parliament"* version.
Each Wicker Man kit comes flatpacked in a box,
boxes, or succession of shipping containers,
complete with full instructions and a
complementary "Marinus van der Lubbe" plastic
drum of volatile accelerant and a thermite
grenade**.
S<Later>imply set up the effigy and insert the offering of
your choice into the torso, then douse in flammable
liquid and retire to a safe distance before throwing
the grenade to initiate the entertainment.
<Later>
Now also available, the Matryoshka Wicker Man, which has multiple layers; as each one burns away, it reveals a different screaming, helpless victim to the enthralled audience.
Burn times are carefully engineered to ensure that the inner layers don't ignite until the outer one is almost completely burnt away, thus prolonging the suffering. Ducting ensures that the inner victims are supplied with fresh air so that they don't asphyxiate before their turn comes to fry, which would spoil the fun.
</Later>
* note that due to the fat accumulated from the EU
Gravy Train, a substantial earthwork containment
bund is advised.
** Prohibited in some jurisdictions; white
phosphorous or napalm may be supplied as an
alternative.
[link]
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Does the wiker man kit come with a rubber-mask face,
such as that of Guy Fawkes? |
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I recommend centralizing the warehouse somewhere near Cairo. |
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Ahem, a pocket wickerman did get a mention, in your absinthe. |
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//Prohibited in some jurisdictions; white phosphorous or napalm may be supplied as an alternative.
// |
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Where on earth would willie-pete be available that thermite isn't? I would imagine WP is subject to much more restriction than thermite is. |
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U.S. Army surplus white phosporous grenades are available
at Tractor Supply for use as crow repellent. |
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It reminds me of... oh, how do the French say... "N'était-ce pas frais, cette chose que j'ai vu dans ce film? Ce ne serait pas soignée si elle était réelle?" |
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.// oh, how do the French say.. // |
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"Nous se rend ... voulez vous coucher avec moi ? Ma femme ?
Ma soeur ? Ma vache ? Vous etes Allemand ? Merde ! Allors,
pour nous la guerre est finis ... Ou est le drapeau blanc ? Bien, ici un cadeau pour vous …
un fusil nouvellem ave less cartouches. Bienvenue a Elsass-
Lothringen … (Ma foi ! Ou sont les Anglais, les Canadiens, les
Americains ? Ou est mes Nikes ? )" |
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Very true, she makes Grampa's life a misery ... |
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Two questions:
Does it come in a miniature version with an effigy of yourself?
Does this figure have the facility to be filled with some kind of fatty substance that will boil and drip once the heat reaches it? [+] - pending a positive response |
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All versions of the product have the capability to hold accelerants of animal, vegetable or mineral origin, to give a satisfactory burn and provide resilience in the event of wind and/or rain attempting to spoil the fun. |
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// an effigy of yourself? // |
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We understand that Borg effigies are commercially available from other suppliers in a variety of sizes and materials, but we do not supply them, nor do we intend to. |
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