h a l f b a k e r yI CAN HAZ CROISSANTZ?
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Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner
will
inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his
release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture
him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons
quickly
perform a complete sex change operation. Then we
return HER to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the
Taliban.
10/9/01
N.B. An apology for reposting an anonymous email (i.e.
someone else's idea), and especially for not indictating it as
such. Thanks only to the unfettered creativity of the
halfbakers for making this ugly duckling a swan. I've posted a
small (original) annotation as attempt at Penzance (er,
Mikado, actually...)
Sound of Music lyrics
http://www.geocitie...and/9802/lyrics.htm
For anyone who feels like contributing [pottedstu, Oct 04 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]
The earliest version of this joke I could find.
http://groups.googl...ap.bryant.webtv.net
Please don't repost e-mail, fax, or USENET jokes making the rounds as halfbakery inventions unless you are their original author. [jutta, Oct 04 2001]
Another song for Osama (unreconstructed):
http://hedwigandthe....com/angry_inch.htm
From my favourite musical of the moment... since the idea is to give him a snip-job. [Guy Fox, Oct 04 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]
need the melody?
http://www.niehs.ni...ids/musicmovies.htm
play the melody in one window while reading 1/2B in another... [daruma, Oct 04 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]
Fully Baked!
http://gotlaughs.com/funpages/bin2.swf
with music video no less! (just noticed that someone posted it two days ago as an annotation - well, here's the link) [lsenater, Oct 04 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]
And that's why I think it's so fabulous that the UN was able to honor president Ahmadinegad at this human rights conference
https://www.youtube...watch?v=DaBLJJWIzq0
[corrected link with full interviews] [pashute, Jul 06 2015]
[link]
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Oh dear. I can sense a whole new category springing up out of what to do with ObL. Well, at least it wasn't what I thought it could be from the title <singing>how do you solve a problem like terrorism?</singing> |
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Then give OBL her own talk show. Guests can bring AKs, HKs, Colts, or whatever they prefer. |
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How do you solve
A problem like bin Laden?
How do you catch
His beard and pin it down?
How do you find a word
That means bin Laden?
A slippery wicket!
A will o' the wisp!
A clown!
Many a thing Bush knows
He'd like to tell bin,
Civilans think he ought
To make a stand.
But how do you make bin pay,
And follow Westerners' way?
How do you keep a wave
Upon the sand?
Oh, how do you solve
A problem like bin Laden?
How do you hold
A moonbeam in your hand?
Apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein. |
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:::applause::: to [lewisgirl], more applause for beating UnaBubba to it. |
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lewisgirl, top stuff. Perhaps a Rodgers & Hammerstein musical would be an appropriate punishment for the villainous beardie. Kind of hard to be taken seriously as a religious/criminal mastermind when all across the free world there's middle-aged women in church halls belting out: |
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Raindrops on corpses and eating dead kittens
Bright copper bullets and warm woollen mittens
Innocent hostages tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things. |
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Cream coloured hatred and crisp Saudi dollars,
Car bombs and plane bombs and pipe bombs with fatwas
Women stoned to death by small boys with slings,
These are a few of my favorite things. |
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Girls uneducated, boys' beards and moustaches,
Giving gay men hundreds of lashes,
Fighting in winter, in summer and spring,
These are a few of my favorite things, |
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When the Bush bites,
When the bomb stings,
When I'm feeling pro-Western,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad. |
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What's really worrying is that I had the lyrics to this and Maria already stored on my computer *at work* (in a file between the lyrics to the Log song from Ren & Stimpy and the status of the ISO Technical Committees on screw threads, fasteners and metal bearings). |
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:::::::::::applause::::::::::::::
I'm just out to get a coffee, but I am hereby reserving "So long, farewell, Afghanistan, good night"
later:
There's an ominous sort of warmongering from the dude in the White House
And the chap in the House of Commons too
And up in the Asian plains an absurd little man
Is popping out to say "fatwa"
(Fatwa, fatwa)
Regretfully they tell us (Fatwa, fatwa)
But firmly they compel us (Fatwa, fatwa)
To say goodbye…
Fatwa!
. . . to you
So long, farewell, Afghanistan, good night
I hate to go and nuke this pretty sight
So long, farewell, Afghanistan, adieu
Adieu, adieu, to U.b.L. and yieu
So long, farewell, au revoir, Afghanistan
I'd like to stay and watch the missiles rain
So long, farewell, Afghanistan, goodbye
I leave and lob grenades and say
Goodbye -- Goodbye!
I'm glad to go, I cannot tell a lie
I bomb, I nuke, I dogfight as I fly
The sun has gone to bed and so must I
So long, farewell, Afghanistan, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye! |
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:::::::::: Sound of tickets being sold :::::::::: |
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George W Bush:
You wait, bin Laden, in a dirty tent
For us to drop some bombs on
Your face, bin Laden, is a target meant
For us to right some wrongs on |
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Osama bin Laden:
To right on |
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GWB:
You are sickening going on dead
Laden, it's time to think
Better beware, plan your funeral
Laden, you're on the brink |
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You are sickening going on dead
We'll make you fall in line
We'll pound our ordnance on your head
And drink un-Islamic wine |
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Totally unprepared are you
To face the USA
About to be scared are you
You'll long for yesterday |
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you need a Half-baked shield idea
With custard walling too
I am pissed off going on TV
I'll take care of you |
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OBN:
I am sickening going on dead
I know that I am weak
I talk to God I know it's odd
When he shows me his butt-cheek |
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I am sickening going on dead
My beard's long as some trees
Atomic missiles, kettles and shag-piles
What do I know of these |
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Totally unprepared am I
To face the modern age
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of chins and planes and rage |
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I need someone stronger and richer
Who'll send me to paradise
You are pissed off going on TV
And dying would be nice |
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(This is fun. Not quite sure how to do Do Re Mi, though - D'oh something you say out loud, Ray - an atomic weapon blast, gets tricky once you try to rhyme it) |
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To elaborate on footnote above: even Oscar himself copped out with deer/myself, and though sun/run, thread/bread, so/Do all rhyme, "La a note to follow So" is on the lame side - special prize if you can beat him. |
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If there ever was an occasion for an 'O' vote this is it. Brilliant. My deepest admiration to all (especially pottedstu for 'my favourite things'). |
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::::::::::applause:::::::::: |
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This is one of those time when I wish I had talent. |
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<Well, it's not very good, but somebody had to go for it. I've left out the descent into gibberish at the end, though> |
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Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you kill you begin with "Il Allah"
When you hunt you begin with Us-sam-ma
Us-sam-ma, us-sam-ma
The first suspect has his own fatwa
Us-sam-ma, Us-sam-ma
Us-Sam-Ma Af-Gan-Nis-tan |
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("Let's see if I can make it easy") |
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Us, a tribe, an angry tribe
Sam, the Uncle of them all
Ma, the name you'll call in fear
'Alf, the bakedness of your fall
Gan -dhi couldn't set you free
Knees, get down on them and pray
Tan-ned your hide is going to be-e-e
And we'll bring you back to U.S.A. (Us!) |
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Us-Sam-Ma-Af-Gan-Nis-Tan-Us Gan-Us! |
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("Now children, us-sam-ma-af-ghan and so on are only the tools we use to destroy a world. Once you have these notes in your heads, you can snuff a million different lives. Like this.") |
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Gan Us Nis Af Ma Us Sam
("Can you do that?")
- Gan Us Nis Af Ma Us Sam |
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Gan Us Nis Af Ma Us Sam
- Gan Us Nis Tan Us Sam Us |
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("Now, put it all together.") |
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Gan Us Nis Af Ma Us Sam
Gan Us Nis Af Ma Us Sam |
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("Good!"
"But it doesn't mean anything."
"So we put in words. One word for every note. Like this.") |
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When you know the words to sing
You can kill most anything
("Together!")
When you know the words to sing
You can kill most anything |
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Us, a tribe, an angry tribe
Sam, the Uncle of them all
Ma, the name you'll call in fear
'Alf, the bakedness of your fall
Gan -dhi couldn't set you free
Knees, get down on them and pray
Tan-ned your hide is going to be-e-e
And we'll bring you back to U.S.A. (Us) |
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Us Sam Ma Af Ghan Nis Tan Us Us Tan Nis Ghan Af Ma Sam
Ma Ma Ghan Gha Sam Sam Af Knees Tan Tan |
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(Repeat above verse 4x as Maria sings) |
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When you know the words to sing
You can kill most anything |
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Us, a tribe, an angry tribe
Sam, the Uncle of them all
Ma, the name you'll call in fear
'Alf, the bakedness of your fall
Gan -dhi couldn't set you free
Knees, get down on them and pray
Tan-ned your hide is going to be-e-e
And we'll bring you back to U.S.A. (Us) |
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With apologies to small mountain flowers everywhere...
For idle vice
An AK's nice
He'll be happy to shoot you
Plutonium though,
When it' ready to blow
Takes out the whole world together
Weapons of war
Let them crash & burn
Crash & burn forever
Pay the price
For idle vice
But will we all be any safer? |
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Excellent, [Guy Fox]. I really didn't think it could be done, at least not that well. And [DrBob], small but perfectly formed. |
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Still got (according to my link) The Sound Of Music, I Have Confidence, Climb Every Mountain, Something Good. Climb Every Mountain's almost too easy, but I think some of those others I just named come from the bit where my attention wanders (sorry, but I much prefer the first half of the film). |
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I'd just like to say at this point that I'm crap at this lyrics-munging thing, so someone will have to do "Don't Cry For Me Afghanistan" for me. |
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One of those ideas which takes wing in the annos. Still a fantastic idea, and what a great shew we have for yew tonite! |
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To clarify jutta's link, the original idea (sex change for ObL) is one that's been doing the rounds; everyone's songs are all 100% original (as you could probably guess). (Well, apart from Oscar H's negligible contribution.) |
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(I only post this because I can't access google groups at work, and guessed others may have the same problem, and so I had to go to the trouble of using pagegetter to view the link - if this happens to you, email "web@pagegetter.com" with the url you want in the subject line, and it'll email you the web page.) |
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Osama:
Perhaps I am a wicked monster.
Perhaps I am a miserable guy.
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable cave,
There must have been a lousy spy.
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For here you are, standing there, shooting me
Right between the eyes.
So somewhere in my al Qa-eda,
There must have been a lousy spy.
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Nothing beats the Deltas,
Nothing ever could.
So somewhere in my secret network
A spy must have just made good.
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Soldier:
For here I am, standing here, blasting you
Right between the eyes.
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Osama:
'Cause somewhere in my camel stable
There must have been a lousy spy.
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Soldier and Osama:
Nothing beats Amer'ca,
Nothing ever could
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Osama:
So somewhere in my camp
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Soldier:
(wry grin) Or turban...
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Osama:
There must have been a G*****...
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Soldier:
Bang! Bang! Bang! |
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I don't know who's our equivalent of the abbess. Maybe Osama after the sex change. But that wouldn't fit this song. How about lewisgirl for the role? (joke) |
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Nuke ev'ry mountain,
Search high and low
(Before you nuke each mountain
Or else you will glow.) |
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Nuke ev'ry mountain,
Kill Taliban
With your glowing missile.
Screw Afghanistan. |
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A place that will need
All the aid you can give.
Can you take all that life,
Just as long as you live? |
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Nuke ev'ry mountain,
Get your revenge.
Pummel ev'ry arab
Back to Stonehenge. |
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A place that will need
All the love you can give.
Hatred is their life,
You can let them live. |
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Nuke ev'ry mountain
Just to be sure.
Hide at the end of the rainbow
There's no peace before. |
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Anyone fancy writing the book, maybe designing some costumes, staging auditions? |
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Well, someone's already started on 'Diana: The Musical', so I think we should reserve this original show concept p.d.q. |
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Kiss me Kate:
Gazing down on the Khyber
From our secret cave-dwelling for two,
Let us drink, Laden mein,
In the moonlight benign,
To the joy of our fatwa come true
Taleban, Taleban!
What a perfect night for war.
Here am I, there you are,
Why, it’s truly wunderbar!
Bush and Powell, Bush and Powell!
We’re alone and hand in glove,
Mushroom clouds near and far,
Why, it’s more than wunderbar!
Say you care, dear,
(For a world war,)
Say you long, dear,
(For a blitz,)
Do you swear, dear?
(Darling, not in church,)
Life’s divine, dear!
(Define 'divine', dear?)
'fghanistan, 'fghanistan!
There’s our favourite star above.
What a bright, shining star,
Allah save us, it's... aaaahhhhh!!! |
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I see we have here more than just the beginnings of "ObL, the musical". |
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<selfish>No fair. I don't know Kiss Me Kate. In fact, the only other musicals I do know are Jesus Christ Superstar, The Wizard Of Oz, Grease, Cats, High Society, The Rocky Horror Show and, erm, Earth Girls Are Easy (which is a 1/2musical, having about 4 or 5 songs). And I don't fancy doing JC Superstar, if only because it's so parodied already. And I've already explored my Wiz of Oz fixation elsewhere. Guess I'll have to let someone else steal the limelight.</selfish> |
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But good to see the muse hasn't deserted you, [lg], even though I don't know the song you're parodying (not because you're bad, because my cultural education is woefully lacking). |
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(ENTRANCE. W is marching down the street in an ugly dress and a silly hat, swinging his guitar case and overnight bag.) |
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I have supersonic missiles!
I have Navy Seals from Maine!
I have confidence
I'll win this seat again,
Besides which you see
I have confidence in me!
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I will bring Texas justice!
I will make Kabul mine!
And all those mullahs -
(Camel jockeys!)-
They will look up to ME
And mind me!
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I don't need an education!
Tony Blair can speak for me!
Europe's in the bag
And so is Tel Aviv,
And that's why you see
I have confidence in me!
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Strength doesn't lie in sanctions!
Strength doesn't lie in words!
Strength lies in happy trigger fingers
God gave you guns,
So shoot! It's le-gal!
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All I trust I owe to Daddy!
All I trust can be my own!
I have confidence
In confidence alone ...
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(oh shit)
(Pauses for a second, glancing nervously at the stock market numbers) |
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And that's why you see
I have con-fi-dence in me!
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(EXIT. W dances happily into his bunker at NORAD.)| — | 1percent,
Oct 05 2001, last modified Oct 06 2001 |
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A silly hat? A capricious beret, or ten-galan sombrero?
And if the latter, what colo(u)rs would the feathers be? |
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Capricious beret, indeed ... |
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You're baiting me. I can see that. Can everybody see that he's baiting me? Yes? Good. Now which of my fellow halfbakers will volunteer to beat him up at recess? |
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UB - incredible. I think you've created the first Islamic yodel in history. You'll probably earn yourself a fatwa, for this. High five! |
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Lovely Mephista. Not many people realise that Audrey Hepburn's singing voice was actually dubbed by Yasser Arafat before he renounced terrorism to become a world statesman. But does this mean a free-for-all on musicals? If so, bagsy "Well Did You Evah?" from High Society. |
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(Caveat: As irreligious as I am, I know others aren't, so if anyone thinks this is bad taste, I'll take it down) |
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What do you say to a dead body?
I'll tell you what you say to a dead body.
Some bullshit about a Middle East fatwa against the Democratic West,
Worth sacrificing six thousand lives according to a mad Saudi.
That's what you say to a dead body. |
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What's in the daily news?
I'll tell you what's in the daily news.
Story about a man sold his followers a line of crap
Had them sitting in the seats of planes instead of church pews.
That's what's in the daily news. |
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What's happening all round?
I'll tell you what's happening all round.
Guy sitting home with a terrorism kit
Bought for him by CIA clowns.
That's what's happening all round. |
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God is the thing that has nipped them.
And it looks like the Afghans will be victims. |
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When you see a guy sending bombs through the sky
You can bet that he's doing it for some god.
When you spot a John with a knife on a plane
Chances are he's insane like all of the Johns who do too much prayin'.
When your Boss has played with a word like 'crusade'
And you've bombs that could flatten a small jihad.
Call it sad, call it funny.
But it's better than even money
That the guy's only doing it for some god. |
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When you see a Joe giving all of his dough
You can bet he'll be giving it to some God.
When a guy costs lives that the world can't afford
It's a cinch that the guy is under the eye of some little fraud.
When you meet a mug standing on a prayer rug
And he's still stirring hatred, and folks applaud(!)
Call it hell, call it heaven
But it's probable twelve to seven
That the guy's only doing it for some god. |
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When you see a sport and his sense has run short
Make a bet that he's blinding himself with god.
When a guy bears guns and thinks he's in the right
What the hell do you say to someone who prays to Power and Might?
When some men with knives take six thousand-odd lives,
And you don't find religion a little odd.
Call it dumb, call it clever
Ah, but you can get odds forever
That the guy's only doing it for some god
Some god, some god
The guy's only doing it for some god! |
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The scene: American and Iranian generals drunk on whiskey and high on hashish (respectively) somewhere in Turkmenistan, or if you know where Turkmenistan is, somewhere even stupider. |
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IRANIAN
Have you heard he's in a cave
Your supervillain's none too brave
Well did you evah?
What a swell planet this is! |
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USA
Have you heard we USA
Kill who we want and it's OK
Well did you evah?
What a swell planet this is! |
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IRANIAN
Have you heard that Afghan kids
Are gonna die for what he did
well, did you evah?
what a swell planet this is! |
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USA
What bombs, what votes,
What men with goats
What gaiety! |
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IRANIAN
It's all too crazy |
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Those taliban
That big-beardy man
That crash, it's the end |
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USA
Just don't bomb India, my friend |
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IRANIAN
Have you heard that George Bush
Messed up the map and bombed his tush
Well did you evah?
What a swell planet this is! |
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USA
Have you heard that Tony Blair
Wants a war coz he's losing hair?
well, did you evah?
what a swell planet this is! |
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IRANIAN
Have you heard the CIA
Is charging up its custard ray
well, did you evah?
what a swell planet this is! |
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USA
Have you heard it's really odd
That people die because of God
well, did you evah?
what a swell planet this is! |
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It's wet it's here
It's anthrax beer
So drink it down
Die without a frown |
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That war's such fun
I want another one
That man's an ace |
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IRANIAN
Why you can use my airbase |
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USA
Have you heard he's forty clones
We kill them all, he's in Tom Jones
Well did you evah?
What a swell planet this is! |
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IRANIAN
have you heard? it's in the stars
We're hijacked set to crash on mars
well, did you evah?
what a swell planet this is! |
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What a swell planet, a straight-to-hell planet, this is! |
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(If anyone knows how this really divides between Bing and Frank, let me know, coz I don't have a copy of the video). |
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UB: What's wrong with Pirates of Penzance?
Have you ever made someone an orphan?
I am the very model of a rabid fundamentalist,
I murder in the name of God so don't call me a terrorist...
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Fanatic mu-jah-deens are we,
Cruel as a despot well can be,
Product of a grim history,
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Everything is God's will done.
Nobody's safe, for we care for none!
Life is a war that's just begun!
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God's will seen by a ghoul! |
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Fanatic men who, all unwary,
Came from a mullah's seminary,
With the whole world as an adversary-- |
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Hatred burns hot as fuel. |
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One little man is a psychopath--
Two twin towers faced his wrath--
A Third World War is the aftermath. |
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From a world of thugs, bomb one away.
Let victors run amok, and they--
Commit the crimes of those they slay. |
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Let the smell of blood make us wary,
Boundless power is what scary--
Let's not become our adversary. |
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Beware of those that rule! |
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not as artistic, but making the rounds:
http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/bin2.cfm
(The Banana Boat Song) |
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Not as applicable anymore as it was when written, but still
can be used for various other leaders like Saudi Ibn Tallal,
Iranian Rouhani, or ISIS Al Baghdadi (See Ami Horowitz's
discussion with the Iranian representatives at the UN
convention of anti racism in Geneva, Switzerland) |
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