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[The Alterother] has a problem: he doesn't know what type of
pants
to wear today. For the answer, he turns to his iPad.
"O magical omniscient picture-telling window," he queries, "what
pants should I wear today?"
The iPad, which has learned to cope with its owner's constant,
frustrating
demands, quickly downloads, installs, and opens the
What Pants Should I Wear app (from AlterNet World-Domination
&
Web Design inc., $3.99 at iTunes Store). After collecting and
analyzing a number of variables, including gender (male), age
(30-
something), mood (grumpy), nation of birth (USA), outdoor
tempurature (friggin' cold), present location (right here),
expected
activity level (I got some stuff to do), presentability (N/A),
chance
of precipitation (20%), chance of fire (89%), chance of rhinoceros
(.07%), and, of course, is your wife around (no), the iPad
helpfully
informs [The Alterother] that he should wear Finnish Military
seyntex KL-type torjua/apuohjelma dungarees, OD green, size:
82x90 (European), the pair with the mended tear on the thigh,
not
the pair with the oil stains.
[The Alterother] bows respectfully, burns a small effigy of Bill
Gates, and puts his pants on.
THe Empress' Tired Attire
The_20Empress_27_20Tired_20Attire
[theircompetitor, Dec 20 2011]
The Church of No-Pants
The_20Church_20of_20No-Pants
All your answers can be found here. [tatterdemalion, Dec 20 2011]
Churchill Crocodile
http://en.wikipedia...Churchill_Crocodile
Happiness is ... 1800 litres of petroleum products under high pressure. [8th of 7, Dec 20 2011]
Cleaver Pants
http://www.chrismcl...2008/03/c_o_w_2.jpg
NSFW [Klaatu, Dec 21 2011]
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What's wrong with the oil-stained ones if the wife isn't around? |
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Y-fronts? Boxer shorts? Y-fronts? Briefs perhaps? Commando? |
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11% odds that Bill won't light? |
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I would recommend that it be able to use the camera to decide if this shirt goes with those pants. Some guys having defective color receptors, and others having a certain tone-deafness about spectral interrelationships. |
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// What's wrong with the oil-stained ones if the wife isn't
around? // |
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89% chance of fire (effigy-burning excluded). [The
Alterother] always considers flammability when selecting
garments. Oil- or fuel-stained pants are reserved for non-
combustible activities, such as skiing or holiday dinners
with the in-laws. |
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The wife-presence factor is a useful tool in predicting the
likelihood of idiotic activities. If T.G.F.J. isn't home, it
behooves [The Alterother] to wear heavier-duty clothing to
field the inevitable shrapnel. |
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// burns a small effigy of Bill Gates, // |
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Immediate vast flour-based leavened comestible for that alone. |
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// What's wrong with the oil-stained ones // |
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Nothing, if the oil in question is a large drip from the engine of a Spitfire Mk IX in the flying hangar at Duxford, in which case said oil stain becomes not a disfigurement but a matter of pride, and the subject of a solemn blood oath never, never to ever wash the now-sanctified garment. |
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All stains are souvenirs. The one I took from Duxford is on
a pair of Carrharts; rubber from a tire of a PBY, where I sat
for a few minutes just taking it all in. |
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I quite like the oil stained ones with the funny deep engineer type pockets... |
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You should seek professional help. Immediately. |
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Just fall to your knees and than the Deity of your choice that they don't come with a pole attached to the back ... |
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// 11% odds that Bill won't light? // |
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"Bring forth the Wicker Man ... and the Crocodile ..." <link> |
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Well I think you should invent a pair of iPants that will change with your moods... |
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/use the camera to decide if this shirt goes with those pants/
That would be a tricky app. I think it would depend very much on ambient light. |
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Pants? We don't need no steenking pants! On the other hand, this seems like a natural for any pants aficionado... |
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<GROG walks off, mumbling about commandos> |
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Ah yes, didn't notice the fire odds. |
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