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Allow "blocking" and "body checking". I'd watch it.
Same rules apply as in real football. No hitting from
behind,
no aiming for the head...
ok, two rules apply, but other than that, may the most
aggressive and dangerous team win.
After somebody body slams a player and takes the ball,
the
loser can still lie on the ground crying like a little
pussy the
same as they do now, only difference being nobody
would care and the game would continue.
Football players "hiding".
https://www.youtube...watch?v=v-1MQ0Cnbhs
If they're hiding, not doing a very good job. [doctorremulac3, Jan 30 2018]
Toughest men in soccer.
https://www.youtube...watch?v=f3HebsWpZ1Q
Awwww, he faw dow go boom boom. [doctorremulac3, Jan 30 2018]
Plus we have moments like this.
https://www.youtube...watch?v=Wopy6Ntd834
Although to be fair, I think soccer fans get their fair share of this kind of stuff too. [doctorremulac3, Jan 30 2018]
Formation goldfish
https://www.youtube...watch?v=WTaf2vrNrR4
[MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 01 2018]
https://www.youtube...watch?v=f3HebsWpZ1Q
[2 fries shy of a happy meal, Feb 01 2018]
Berbatov
http://www.runofpla...t-dimitar-berbatov/
There is no soccer to watch in this link but it tells you all you need to know about Berbatov. [calum, Feb 02 2018]
George Best
https://www.youtube...watch?v=uJWWA-h_-5g
simply the best of the best of all time [xenzag, Feb 02 2018]
What a search of "dab the badger" comes up with.
https://www.teepubl...abbing-honey-badger
No need to click, it's a honey badger "dabbing". [doctorremulac3, Feb 02 2018]
[link]
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It's called "Rugby football", and it's Baked and WKTE. |
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Except its not watchable either. |
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Make the field smaller, say about the size of an XFL
field, or even a hockey rink. |
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Give them something to do with their arms. Big nerf
bats should do the trick. |
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Zoom the camera angle in closer for the legwork
action. |
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//It's called "Rugby football", and it's Baked and
WKTE.// |
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Rugby they hold the ball in their hands. Soccer you can only
kick it. |
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And yes, it's not watchable either. |
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If there were four or five footballs allowed in play
at any one time it might be a little more exciting |
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Hmm. Different values for different balls? |
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Negative value balls that cancel out positive value balls?
Kick a -1 ball in after a +1 ball to cancel it out? |
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Naturally. And random tunnels and tunnel entrances
dotted around the pitch, so that when you kick the
ball down a tunnel, it hits something like a pinball
bumper (and scores some points) which hits it towards
the tunnel exit so it pops up somewhere else on the
pitch.
Actully, anything which adds pinball
gameplay to football would be a good thing. |
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// kick the ball down a tunnel, it hits something like a pinball bumper // |
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Have those for the players, too. |
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Have the players wear uniforms that sense when they've
been hit by the ball. When a ball kits them, they're out. |
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Throw a stun gun into the thing to motivate them. |
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Or you could just have the ball be the stun gun and have the
have the players wear insulating shoes and pants. Try to hit
the guys above the waist to knock them out. |
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[doc], in your version of the game, would the players have to hide inside full body protection, and cease playing every seven seconds to discuss things? |
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Widely known go exist in Leeds (particularly in the 70s) and Glasgow (min four times a season) |
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Regarding the critique of football that the action
comes in extremely exciting ten second increments
allowing for discussion and human interaction between
the fans while the next play is set up ...no. |
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This is still soccer, where rather than having 60 or so very
exciting moments during the game, there are 5 or 6
events called scores. The rest of the time is filled with
players running around kicking a ball and moving
back and forth like so many fish swimming in an
aquarium. Only not quite as exciting. |
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See link showing why these delicate little flowers in the
NFL wear
padding. It's basically to keep blood off the field. |
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Out of interest, in your new version, how many fatal injuries to players* would you expect in each match ? To the nearest half-dozen ? |
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*Spectators don't matter. |
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Hey, they aren't forced to play. Can't stand the voltage, stay
out of the shock suit. |
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And why shouldn't the spectators be in as much danger as
the players? I like that idea. |
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Off-centre weights in some of the balls? |
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Have you seen a doctor about that? |
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Not necessary, you can get over-the-counter ointment for that now. |
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How do sports announcers praise a player's "ball handling
ability" with a straight face? Years of practice I guess. |
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Dress them up as yellow furred hamsters and make them run around on all fours (as appropriate to their intellect), while thousands of sad idiots pay good money to watch this spectacle of laughable stupidity. |
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Oi, [xen] - have a little respect for hamsters. |
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Well, I'm poking fun at soccer but sports are an important
part of civilization. Allows us to blow off our aggression in
a harmless manner. Controlled aggression is necessary,
without it you don't survive. Sports are also a celebration
of excellence. It's not easy
to throw a perfect spiral to a moving target 60 yards away
and have it land perfectly where you want it. Probably
takes a lot of talent to play professional soccer as well. |
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But you know what the main appeal of sports is to the
masses? It's a meritocracy unlike so may of the positions
that people fill today. Put it this way, you'll never hear:
"Hey, that guy sucks? How come he's the quarterback of
that major league football team? Ohhh, he's the owner's
kid. Now I understand." If the owner of a billion dollar
franchise has a kid that
plays a particular position, but he's 10% worse than a total
stranger, that total stranger is getting the job. |
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That's why we love sports. That and the people smashing
into each other. |
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Poor Xen can't even make a joke without me disagreeing
with it. As far as sports fans being "sad idiots", I don't see
any indication that they're sad. |
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//What do you mean “we”?// |
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I've got a turd in my pocket. |
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But seriously, it is kind of fun to just go to a game, turn
your
brain off and yell at various motions. Put some money on
the game as a way to care about who wins. |
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Being stupid every now and then can be the smart move.
Give your poor brain a rest already. |
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Going to a baseball game is an excuse to sit in the sun,
drink beer and bullshit with your buddies. Every once in a
great while, something sort of interesting happens, then
you go back to your hot dog, brewsky and talking about
stuff. |
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I do really think the problem with soccer for Americans is
that the ball is half-hidden by legs, and the lack of set
plays confuses us. If it were to look more like basketball in
size and scope we could catch on I think. |
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Who’s your team, doc? Niners? Chargers? Rams?
Something not local? |
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Niners now that they got rid of Kaperneck and put
somebody who stands for the National Anthem in at
quarterback. Plus Garrapalo wins games. |
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Also a Patriots fan. Brady's a local boy from my area and
he's a) excellent and b) hated by most of the country.
Something about being excellent and unpopular seems
really cool to me. |
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I went on line once to see what other people thought
about rooting for two teams and some thought it was akin
to having two different sex organs, a crime against
nature. Others thought, like me, that it's a stupid game
and you can do whatever you want. |
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//and cease playing every seven seconds to discuss things?
// They stop regularly to remind themselves of why chasing a ball around a field, dressed up as something that resembles an over-inflated industrial vacuum cleaner is important. |
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The other thing I've always wondered is why they are so obsessed with numbered huts. |
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We would make good adversaries. I live in what is
currently the epicenter of poor teams, Detroit area. There
isn’t a team for a day’s drive of here that I care to follow
at the moment. The Colts are lousy, Detroit is past their 2
minutes of decency, and the Bears and Browns, ugh... If I
cared about football that much I might gravitate back
towards the Packers, but haven’t really followed them
since Brett Favre left. Incidentally, I’ll get to meet Jason
Hanson soon. |
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I’ll be rooting for the Eagles I guess. King George was
unpopular too, and probably talented at the politics of
intrigue. To me, Brady is the Clinton of football. Surprised
he’s not dressing in pantsuits. |
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The knee thing is ridiculous. Protest is a national right, and
choosing to do it during the national anthem is just working
the spotlight. |
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//why they are so obsessed with numbered
huts.//Practicing counting up to ten without using their
fingers? |
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Ray, as you know I love adversarial stuff. I think it's
healthy and I think it's how we keep the straight and
narrow path, fighting each other every step of the
way. I think I'd be a bit disappointed if we were both
rooting for the same football team, and I'm guessing
you probably feel the same way. |
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That being said, may the best team win. |
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There are good ways to fight, and then there are low
blows, and then there are places where the
confrontational stuff just needs to keep away. It
should not define a relationship. |
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I run a course in one of the world's best art colleges, training sardines to swim in formations that resemble Busby Berkeley routines. What could be more fun than that? |
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//Going to a baseball game is an excuse to sit in the sun,
drink beer and bullshit with your buddies. Every once in a
great while, something sort of interesting happens, then
you go back to your hot dog, brewsky and talking about
stuff.// |
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I'll correct this: Watching any game is an excuse to sit,
drink beer and bullshit with your buddies. Constant noise
and movement of some sort allow attention to be divided
arbitrarily between sport/buddy/thoughts of existential
dread/new F150. |
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It's all very American, brutally efficient, it's the absolute
minimum amount of sport necessary to cover the amount
of time it takes to eat some wings and get properly drunk
while never causing a rush at the bar/toilets. The excuse
component seems to be an American prerequisite. |
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By contrast, in Britain, drinking is the sport and the
various spectacles are there to try and slow it down a bit. |
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//one of the world's best art colleges, training sardines to swim in formations// |
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So, you have an attic, an Etch-a-Sketch and a goldfish? |
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//By contrast, in Britain, drinking is the sport and
the various spectacles are there to try and slow it
down a bit.// |
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//So, you have an attic, an Etch-a-Sketch and a
goldfish?// |
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Sounds like a children's story. "The Attic, The Etch-a-
Sketch and the Goldfish". It writes itself. "Bobby would
spend hours in the attic with his Etch-a-Sketch and his pet
goldfish... etc." |
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Know what's great about children's books? There's no such
thing as a bad children's book because kids are
completely satisfied to just read the words or have the
words read to them. The appeal is the reading. I loved
every stupid book I had growing up and they were all
crap. There is no difference between the world's best and
the world's worst children's book. |
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"For hours and hours, Bobby would sit and draw as Goldie
would swim back and forth blowing bubbles. "Blub blub
blub" Goldie would say. "Draw draw draw" the Etch-a-
Sketch would say." etc etc. |
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No way man. Fox in Socks is 10 times better than
any book featuring Elmo or that dreaded Cailloiu. It's
even more fun trying to read it backwards. |
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Maybe tomorrow we tackle Ulysses... |
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Ugh! Cailloiu also comes in book form? |
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Now if you're talking about the ANIMATED "How The
Grinch Stole Christmas", that's brilliant. |
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Any time an artform can bring young and old
together liking something, that's impressive. |
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Sardines! The goldfish keep swimming in circles and
forgetting where they've been.... Not that unlike American
'football'
players running up and down then stopping every 5 seconds
for a meeting to remind themselves of where they are. |
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//Not that unlike American 'football' players
running up and down then stopping every 5
seconds for a meeting to remind themselves of
where they are.// |
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"Hmm, where am I? Oh yea, making twenty million
dollars a year and banging smoking hot, solid 10
underwear models wherever I go." |
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"Then why so depressed Tank?" |
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"There's this angry little art teacher that doesn't
respect me." |
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"Well tank, take solace in the fact that this
scenario you're featured in, where a wildly
successful
man who makes tens of millions of dollars a year
and is
adored by millions cares about what somone like
Xenzag thinks, could never actually happen in a
million years." |
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I don't measure people in dollars. Nor do I care much for
being admired or otherwise by masses of howling drunks. |
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Then what are you doing here? |
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I'm afraid your sardines have been anticipated by goldfish <link> |
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Ha! Goldfish are not too bright. If you feed them with
enough iron filings, and deploy a powerful magnet,
you can get them to do anything..... wonders if this is how
American football works too? |
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So do you hate sports in particular or just people
having fun and being happy in general? |
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Why would football/soccer need violence when the fake violence is so entertaining already? [link] |
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//So do you hate sports in particular or just people having
fun and being happy in general?// Chill..... Rem this is only
about generating half baked ideas. |
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//I hate sports in general// |
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I do see how somebody could have a bad
experience with sports in childhood. When I moved
to the good part of town in my late youth I couldn't
throw a ball because where I grew up they didn't
play sports. I was very lucky to meet some nice
kids that showed me how it was done without
tormenting me. Still, I got a late start. |
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I could play football ok, but I sucked at baseball.
That didn't stop me from joining the baseball team
though.
I figured it was better to try something new that
you're lousy at rather than being lousy at trying
something new. |
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That is very nearly a piece of wisdom there, [doc]. |
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My own athletic forte was in not getting hit while being forced to play murder-ball.
A highly underrated skill in my opinion. |
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//That is very nearly a piece of wisdom there// |
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Except for spelling the contraction of "You are"
"your". I'll never get my face carved into the side
of a mountain making 1st grade spelling mistakes
like that. |
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There's a big difference between having your face
carved into the side of a mountain and hitting the
side of a mountain with your face. |
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Ok, got my yours straight that time at least. |
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Respect; I was unable to master that one. ;-) It was character-
building, apparently. |
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One of my brothers in law and one of his sons are with
increasing frequency attempting to engage me in
conversation around the topic of American Football. I
think they would like it if I could share what is in the UK
very much a niche interest. I cannot. This isn't reflexive
dislike. I have given it much thought. I wanted to give it
a fair shake. After all, 323 million Americans can't all be
wrong, can they? And the result of this thought is this:
the reason that I don't like American football is that it is
too busy. In each play, everyone on the field has a job to
do - when the game is actually happening there is too
much to take in all at once. It's overwhelming. This is
ameliorated by the stop start nature which allows for
replays, hollerin and analysis. But the action itself is a
sensory overload, it makes my brain feel like Marty McFly
after his opening chord in Back to the Future. And then
there is the period where nothing substantive is
happening, other than inconsequential replays, hollerin
and analysis. The two states of ACTION and nothingness
are switched between so abruptly, a binary waveform, it's
like a good cop bad cop routine except that the bad cop
is an airhorn and the good cop is that guy from accounts
receivable will only ever speak about terrapins. |
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Soccerball on the other hand, does have periods of
incredible boredom - sometime whole seasons long - but
in that looser, less binary framework, you have the
possibility of players like Berbatov or Le Tissier,
indolent, unhelpful players who drift or, in the case of Le
Tiss, clump, around the pitch, ignored by and ignoring the
game around them, until they divine the chance for the
improbable (e.g. Le Tiss against Newcastle), a flash of
magic and then back to drifting aimlessly. In many ways,
a match with Le Tiss playing - that is, the ideal football
match - is like watching, from the questionable comfort
of your future nursing home bed, a replay of your life, a
lifeless samey grind, punctuated by a handful of moments
of sublimity and wonder. I guess it all comes down to
what matches your cultural experience better. American
Football is maximalist, an assault, soccer is miserablist, a
bleak night sky across which the aurora may, you hope,
flash and throb. Whatever floats your culture. |
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In praise of football. There's a reason why football is referred to as "the beautiful game". See last link for the agility and unmatched skills of the legend that was the totally amazing late George Best. |
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To see the sheer joy of a group of young people in a deprived environment playing a game of football brings hope in a bleak world. You don't need padding. You don't need special gear. You don't need to be a steroid hyped monster freak. You don't even need to be male. All you need is a ball, and you can even make that yourself too. Welcome to football - the most egalitarian game on the planet. The Beautiful Game. |
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Yes, I'm sure Karl Marx would agree that if you
have to tolerate a sport, one requiring nothing
more than a cheap ball and a patch of dirt is more
tolerable to the elites at the top than a billion
dollar organization that employs thousands of
people, feeding their families, stimulating the
economy and allowing the poorest of the poor the
chance to become multi millionaires. |
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Additionally, tens of thousands of poor young men
go to college and get their education on football
scholarships, a wonderful thing where players earn
their way through college by playing the sport they
love. |
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But you like the idea of poor people knowing their
place. Destitute and hopeless, scuttling around on
a patch of dirt, knocking a ten cent ball across a
line scratched into the mud, hoping that through
the largess
of their superiors they might be thrown a clearly
marked United Nations bag of rice after the game. |
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"Dance little prols! Dance for your masters!" |
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//Soccerball (as opposed to football's periods of
boredom between plays) does have periods of
incredible boredom - sometime whole seasons long// |
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DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! I wish I had said that. Well, turn
out the lights, that was by far the best post of this
thread. Don't think that's gonna be matched. |
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A sad vision of the world, where the whole value in playing a game is only measured in money terms instead of the sheer joy that it brings. When I was growing up, we used our jerseys as goal posts. It's still that way on the streets. We had nothing. Nothing was needed but a ball and we never had a care in the world. That's something you'll never get. Football - "the beautiful game". |
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...that's impossible to watch. |
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//That's something you'll never get.// |
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Did I fail to mention that I played soccer every year
growing up? By far my favorite sport to play. |
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//When I was growing up, we used our jerseys as
goal
posts. It's still that way on the streets. We had
nothing. Nothing was needed but a ball and we never
had a care in the world//
Hang on, you
contradicted yourself - either you had nothing, or
you had jerseys and a ball - which was it? When I
were
a lad we didn't even have those; we had to run
about,
imagining the ball and where the goalposts were. |
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You had legs and an imagination? Where I grew up we
only
had stumps and NO imagination. We'd roll around on
the ground
wondering what it would be like to imagine what it
would
be like to play soccer. |
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When you learn to understand the structure of
American football, you learn to appreciate it more.
There are lots of pauses, to be sure, but these just
play in to the melodrama. We like our melodrama, it
plays in well with how we make our movies. Heck,
we'll make shows about people weighing
themselves if we can have some dramatic music
and lighting added. |
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British shows are filled with too much standing
around and chatting about things like the Queen's
choice of titles for the new royal step-cousin. Much
confusion as to when to get excited. Soccer is
largely the same.
I hated American football as a kid. |
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Had I played soccer, I might have grown to
appreciate watching it. But I was an unathletic lank
who struggled to be picked in the first half of the
schoolyard call. |
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When you were rolling around with no arms and legs.....yawns..... |
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I'm quite sure you're not laughing at my dumb
joke.
I'm guessing you don't do a lot of laughing. |
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//I was an unathletic lank who struggled to be
picked in the first half of the schoolyard call// |
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I have to admit, I was very lucky to have been
accepted at my new school with absolutely no
athletic abilities whatsoever. Kids can be very
cruel. |
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That being said, I had plenty of moments of childhood
trauma
where I'd drop the ball or strike out (come to think
of it, it was all from baseball) but I tried not to let
it get to me. |
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I also had the moments of success that put it all in
perspective. That's the value of sports for children
in my opinion. Teaches you how to lose with
dignity, how to pick yourself up after a loss, how to
work with others and how to not give up. You also
get the reward of seeing hard work pay off. |
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The first time you see that ball go into the net it
makes up for all the times the bigger, faster
players took the ball away from you. Now YOU get
to say "YEA BIG GUY! IN YOUR FACE!" |
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Which is why we're put on this Earth. |
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Baseball was a yearly humiliation I was forced to
compete in year after year with the same result. It
drove any sense of sports accomplishment far far
away from me. |
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Right there with ya man. I was horrible. |
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I remember befriending one guy on the team who was
equally horrible. We became buddies and after one game
went to his house to play in a treehouse his parent had
made for him. |
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The treehouse was nicer than the house I grew up in. It
was in the back yard of a palatial estate on the other side
of town. Guessing this kid doesn't spend a lot of time
feeling bad about missing all those grounders that were
hit his way. Or if he does, he's doing it while sitting by
the
pool of his family mansion. I don't think he or his family
put too much value on hitting a little ball. |
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I really don't get sport. As far as I've learned so far, the only sport worth watching is Dab the Badger. Why this game isn't televised (outside of BBC Norfolk), I have no idea, as it is far more entertaining than mainstream sports. The injuries alone (which are spectacular but seldom fatal) make it worth watching, especially since it is customary to have 90 minutes of injury time after a 23-minute, two-chuquha match. |
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They (and I mean chiefly, Jerry Slacker and his county team) did try re-formatting the game to make it more commercial and to allow more advertising opportunities, but the 3-day matches were never really as exciting as the regular ones. The only hangover from that foray into commercialism is the retention of sponsors' logos on the shafts of the players' ladles. |
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This isn't a prank is it Max? If I Google "Dab the Badger" is
some graphic, disgusting pornographic act going to pop up
on my screen? |
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I doubt you'll get any hits, [doc]. D the B was originally a very rural entertainment in my part of the country. After its brief dabble with commercialization, it's reverted to a local sport. Matches are usually advertised by word of mouth, or simply by adhering to the well-known timetable for such events. The village with the oldest church in the parish - or the second-oldest if the oldest has a graveyard of less than three acres - hosts the first match of the season, on the first quarter-moon after the third neap tide. After that, matches rotate every second week, travelling around the parish clockwise. If the parish has more than 14 participating villages, matches are every week, excepting St. Rudel's day. |
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That needs a webpage Max. |
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My search came up with the posted link. It's a honey badger
"dabbing" which is a kind of dance move the kids do. |
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Fun fact: the dab is against the law in Saudi Arabia. |
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What do you dab the badger _with_? |
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(Perhaps some kind of wax?) |
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Traditionally, it was pease pudding. Nowadays it a defined mixture with a bright yellow dye, for better visibility. |
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Philadelphia cheesesteak, anyone? |
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Digging the Le Tiss love from calum. Sadly, sublime talent & craft are gradually being squeezed out of professional team sports & replaced by extremely fit, athletic automatons who provide almost zero entertainment value. |
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