Vestaloon

Dazing recently, I came upon an old personal subject that I’ve mused on for years; ever since reading Golding’s PINCHER MARTIN (man overboard) in my youth. While not really having recovered from the reading, a plethora of theme related inventions have steadily come forth over the years as a result. Here’s one. The VESTALOON.

Description: Fall off a ship. Life jacket inflates. Good. Sharks appear. Oh s--t! Smack the large button just to the left of the breastbone, on the VL jacket. VESTALOON deploys. It is a 24’ diameter equivalent super shear Mylar-type balloon filled with helium. It inflates inside a super thin netting, culminating in two parachute straps connected to the harness jacket. Balloon is banana shaped and stylish. This supplies about 455 pounds of lift. Up and out of harm’s way. A bungi chord has deployed from the bottom of the jacket case. On the end is a simple sea-anchor drag-chute. Thus, the excess lift capacity is countered by the sea anchor and you are making 30 knots windward. OK. 10 knots. Sooner or later there’s land. Features: - Little flashing diode lights and emergency beacon with the GPS signal. This Beacon is user switch operated, in case one is using the Parabloon for extreme sport and pleasure. - Comes equipped with proximity sensing cut-off switch override preventing deployment in toilets or near fashion mall fountains, or too close to the ship, etc. - Arm-pit operated reverse osmosis pump for desalination of sea water. - Jacket is low-voltage wired for heating body core, countering hypothermia. Battery is an electrolytic sponge activated by water immersion. Switched. - Survival kit includes doo-rag head cover, 2 pair sunglasses with elastic keeper band, fishing line, 20 super-dehydrated MRE’s and 2 packs of Wrigley’s chewing gum (stress relief). Whistle. Tissue. - “I-pod” type device with 3000 hits of all time and 60 voice read novels of action and stories of survival and grit, including non-fiction ALONE, ALIVE and other stories of defying the odds. Includes audio versions of John Wayne’s True Grit and Rin Tin Tin.