Valentime

The sharp pain of the silver fork digging into his thigh bought Ralph back to his senses, at least for a moment. He'd promised himself before setting out on his date with Precilla that despite her beauty, he'd maintain his aloof facade for as long as possible.

It was clearly his ability to feign control in her presence which had set him apart from the army of prospective suitors who would dearly love to be sitting here, in the warm flicker of candle light, as Precilla gently purred out the details of another story that Ralph wasn't quite focussing on. He'd try to concentrate, but his mind would be drawn to how effortlessly she could lift those heavy lashes, the pearlescence of her teeth, and the way she could hold his gaze more comfortably that he could relax into her deep brown eyes.

Beneath his smart brown cords, Ralph’s leg was beginning to resemble a pincushion. He had promised himself that if he was about to say anything that sounded too Mills-and-Boonish, a quick thigh stab with his fork should bring him back from embarrassing himself. After all, he thought, this was an experiment.

If we’re honest, Ralph was a bit uptight.

Anyway, it seemed like they’d been in each other’s company for ages (Ralph had been about to comment that it seemed 'like an eternity', hence the swift and subtle pressure of silver to flesh. But how long had they been together, talking? Exploring? Romancing?

Well, according to his trusty black plastic Casio wristwatch, it was 3 hours since he’d had his last breath mint, straightened his tie, and buzzed on Precilla’s intercom. But it seemed like so much longer – a sure sign that they were getting on well. Time to check how long they’d been together in ‘valentime’. He glanced at the rather embarrassingly pink and fluffy watch on his other wrist. 7 hours they’d been together, now, according to ‘valentime’.

Ralph was still trialing his invention, but it seemed to be working. Now don’t worry about what those scientists say, we all know that your heart beats faster when you’re in love, and the valentime watch checks the pulse running through your wrist and moves the second hand forward for each heartbeat.

Clearly, he loved Precilla five 'valentime hours'. He felt like he loved her five valentime hours. He felt good. Time's relative, eh?