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The door bell rang and awoke me from my mid-afternoon slumber. I smartly got up from my easy-chair and brisked myself to the door. I was anticipating the arrival of a DVD copy of //Festen//, but alas, it was not the postman at the door, but two Mormons!
Normally i would turn away such visitors
that solicit anything, from tooth-brushes to toilet duck, but today was a different day. Yes, today was the day that my Unwanted-Guest-Eating sofa arrived, and this was the perfect opportunity to try it out.
I let the two peddlers of mormonia inside and invited them to take a seat.
"How lovely and soft your sofa is, my friend."
"All the better to eat you with."
"Pardon?"
"Would you like some coffee?"
I retired to the kitchen and quickly snatched up the Unwanted-Guest-Eating Sofa's remote control. I turned the dial to the first setting.
"Gosh, your sofa is //really// soft, sir."
Said one of my unwanted guests. I turned to the second setting.
"I feel like i'm sinking straight into it, my man."
Said the other.
I turned the dial up to the final setting and they glid down the sofa and into a peaceful, suffocating death.
Festen
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0154420/
(own it today!) [k_sra, Oct 17 2004]
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You want the Unwanted-Guest-Burying lawn chair. |
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Didn't Sweeney Todd have a bed like this? |
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formerly welcomed guests who've just broken your expensive vase? |
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Peaceful suffocation, huh? ... Sounds reasonable (+) |
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Is there a regurgitation setting? Like, how would you dispose of the bodies? |
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I've heard Festen is really good. May I sit down for a moment? |
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Killing off people you don't like isn't good. Maybe if it deposited them out on your front lawn tarred and feathered, but this just isn't funny. At least, it was funny 'til you killed them. [-] You are a very sick man. Bad joke. |
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Yeah: idea - killing = good idea.
Workable, though. |
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Yay. Festen is among my favorites from the Dogme movies.
This should involve a vacuum cleaner attachment (for the suction). Maybe a dry/wet vac. |
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Realistically, ads for the "sleepnumber bed" (where people dynamically adjust their softness) have been running on TV and the radio where I live. Maybe it's time for the sitnumber couch? Tall and short people could look each other in the face without craning their necks. |
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There was an America's Funniest Home Video where they did some split screen thingy with a big overstuffed chair. People would run across the room and jump *into* the chair or sort of fall into the seat crack. Can't find the clip though. |
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What if you're relaxing on the chair and then you reach
for the T.V. remote, and, wait, wrong remote, wrong
button, shit. |
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A friend of mine had a broken sofa bed that would consume the unwary and you'd have to be hauled out by bystanders. |
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This was halfbaked in the Dr Who episode 'Terror of the Autons'. |
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Naturally, I thought this was the other way around, punctuation's a wonderful thing.
Guests are always coming around and eating our sofas so anything that can be done about it gets my (+). |
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Killing them peacefully is too nice. If someone rings my doorbell at 7 am on a saturday morning, I'm pretty sure I don't want to talk to them. Whether they are selling magazine subscritions or religon. |
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Three easy steps...
1) Insert video of Headbanger's ball into VCR and play as loud as possible.
2) Answer the door completely nude, and invite them in.
3) Interrupt them every few seconds to make sure they still don't want a beer, joint or other narcotic that you just happen to have laying around. |
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They will probably not stay for more than a few minutes. |
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