h a l f b a k e r yAmbivalent? Are you sure?
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So three guys walk into a barn... |
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//I knew [MB]'s true calling was a stand-up comedian// Funny you should mention that. The assessors at my last (literally) quinquennial assessment held much the same opinion. My fault - "review" and "revue" are so easy to confuse. |
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//How do you tell most of the world's population that religion is a bit of a joke ?// You just have to say it using short, simple words. |
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I would say it's already done: the bible has been translated, re-translated and mis-translated many times already; and it's certainly laughable.
//So three guys walk into a barn...//
Nice! |
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...and get a woman pregnant with one of them by means of
the second, but the third one will be called the father, for
some reason or other... |
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//So three guys walk into a barn...//
Excellent. |
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"So 70 translators walk into a barn, each translates the bible, and they all agree on the exact same translation." |
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Nobody's spotted the in-joke in the summary :-( . |
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A lot of this can be brought out in the way you read it - you don't need to change the words. |
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That bit where God commands Abraham to sacrifice his
first born son, Isaac, and then says at the last
minute "No don't do it!" - it's pretty obvious God
was joking all along and Abe didn't get it. |
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"... and furthermore, it shall come to pass that .... Moses ? Moses ! MOSES !! Put that toasting fork down and pay attention ! No ! Listen to me ! I am the LORD thy God .... Yes, I know you missed lunch, I didn't set this bush on fire just so you could cook your tea ... Now, about the milk and honey ... no ! There's no honey for your toast ! This is future honey. No honey now. And it shall come to pass that WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE MARSHMALLOWS ?" |
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Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall
find; knock, knock, and the door shall be opened to
you |
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"so anyway, it turns out that Pontius actually said 'pacify the little bugger' " |
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MB, you are a piece of work. I laughed. Good un. And
Nineteently, I immediately saw the [po] reference. |
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Oh, God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son"
Abe said, "Man, you must be puttin' me on"
God said, "No" Abe say, "What?"
God say, "You can do what you want, Abe, but
The next time you see me comin', you better run"
Well, Abe said, "Where d'you want this killin' done?"
God said, "Out on Highway 61" |
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Cain: eh jokes bruv
Abel: ... |
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Ah... gold, frankincense, and mirth.
It makes so much more sense now. |
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" ... a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. " |
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Beast: <HONK, HONK> (grins inanely) |
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St. Groucho : " Enough with the honking already, and stop treading sand everywhere ! " |
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St Chico "Hey-a, is dem real crowns yous got dere ? You want I should go down Fat Louie's with one, get-a it valued ?" |
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St Groucho: "Yes, you got those insured ? |
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St Groucho : "Listen, I got the very policy for you here, from Firefly Insurance Corp, look, over a hundred clauses ...." |
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St Chico: "Hey-a, it got-a one of dose Sanity Clauses ... ?" |
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Ah, but blissy, do you realise why it's there? |
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"And in foreign news, Jerusalem is tonight celebrating what is believed to be the world's first parthenogenic human birth. Mother and child are in a stable condition." |
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Sacrilege! You're all going to Hell. |
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And when you get there, the first round is on me. |
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You know, it's strange. Of all godly acts, smiting and plaguing are surely the most instantly recognisable as divine. I mean, a remission from disease, or the end of a famine, can be put down to good fortune; but a good smiting, or a decent rain of frogs, is pretty incontrovertible evidence of something deific. |
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So, you would think that the major religions of the world would make a bit of an effort to provoke an obvious divine retribution, thereby confirming the whole gods business. |
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No, no, that would be like a magician revealing his tricks. The aim is to keep the suckers guessing; "it MIGHT be true, you'll just have to have faith...". |
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Just like homeopathy, then. |
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Samson's worst hair day, ever. |
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//rain of frogs// these can have natural causes. |
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I had already thought the bible was funny...(but I bunned this
earlier) I guess the word is Samson was the funniest because
he brought the house down. (read it on the internet) |
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<Deep Aussie accent>
Nah, that's not a slingshot; _this_ is a slingshot. <\DAa> |
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Are other "holy" books under consideration? (you know the one I mean in particular, where no one laughs too much, out of total fear) |
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Prophet Cheech and Priest Chong, Up In Incense: |
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The protagonists get high on incense in the Holy of Holies
and describe their heavenly visions... |
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//the one I mean in particular, where no one laughs too much, out of total fear// |
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You mean the Inland Revenue Guide to Income Tax, Allowable Deductions and Reliefs? |
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