h a l f b a k e r yGuitar Hero: 4'33"
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The Tourist Bopper is an inflatable bat, harmless to both user and victim. Sold in most "tourist" stands and some convienence stores, the tourist bopper is intended to be bought by both tourists and locals alike.
Why would people buy a tourist bopper?
Because there is very realizable and tangible
hositility between tourists and locals, but there is no way to release the emotions. The Tourist Bopper is a lighthearted way to let out all the frustration between tourists, and between tourists and locals. Buy one for little Freddy, and watch him go bopping for five minutes while you sit down to enjoy a glass of wine and some fine cheeses outside a classic french bakery. Everyone wins with the Tourist Bopper, because everyone finally gets to calm down. Goodbye aggravating tourist episodes. Hello tourist Bopper!
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Oh goodness yes. I used to live in one of the biggest spring-break destinations in the US. Could I get a "Drunk college student from the midwest bopper"? |
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I like it.
Could it come with the insinuation that it brings good luck to Bopper/Boppee? |
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You, none of you, have any idea of the True Horrors of Tourists. I work in Edinburgh, possibly the most tourist infested city (per head of resident population) IN THE WORLD. Mein Gott, it is hellish. Clusters of fat, leathery, baseball cap wearing Americans stand, erecting flaccid meat cordons around the narrow closes and passageways I use to get to and from work. White-sock-and-sandals sporting Germans with sinister Creosote tans walk forty-nine abreast down Johnstone Terrace, complaining all the while about sausages. Stochastically arranged formations of Japanese cross my path and take photos of EVERYTHING. And, worst of all, ignorant English fuckers seem to forget the Spirit of the Blitz they oft invoke and try to jump the queue I'm in, squawking on and on in my unfortunately near enough ear about what Audrey's done to the cornicing in her living room in Hemel fucking Hempsted. |
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I'll take one of these boppers, but only if it's made out of steel. |
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Something tells me the first time a tourist bopped Calum, 'it would be on!' as we say here in the States. I can just picture some //fat, leathery, baseball cap wearing American// saying, "Lighten up there, buddy!" and bopping him on the head. Can tourists be treated under Britians healthcare plan? I sure hope so! |
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Will it be allowed in churches and museums? |
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... then again, do people even dare take their kids to churches and museums? |
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... then again, is this really going to be sold to our kids, or are we secretly buying them for ourselves? Kinda like that bong I got my wife for valentines... |
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so [calum], Mr. dentworth says to me "we should really go to Edinburgh soon. Its beoootiful and you'd love the castles" So I says to him, he's kinda portly, " we gotta get you a whooole new wardrobe. Shorts and them Hawaaaiiian shirt things, and flip-flops. and ballcaps cause i heard it rains a lot in Scotland. and I guess we better pack some sausages cause the food there ain't so great. I heard them Brits got some kinda tourist basher, better take a camera in case we need to sue the bastards" |
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On second thought these should be issued to all tourists travelling to Paris. |
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I like it.a.k.a stun guns. |
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[Calum] The way to get back at the English is when the Queen dies and they want the stone back for a coronation, you (Scots) quietly inspect your fingernails and casually say "What stone?" |
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Good plan - revenge with a smile! |
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We stole it once, we can steal it again. |
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I was up in Edinburgh last week with work and as well as a tourist bopper they also need cow catchers on the buses to deal with the tourist hordes. |
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<pictures tourists bopping each other like rutting stags> |
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An interesting aside... A friend of mine went on a tour of Europe, and interestingly discovered that the locals always considered the Japanese tourists - not the American tourists like his group - to be the rudest and most obnoxious tourists. It wasn't just a specific group that made a bad impression on the locals, either; any group of Japanese tourists was usually extremely obnoxious and demandingly rude. |
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Which baffles me because a friend of mine who goes to Japan says the locals are exceedingly nice to tourists... and everyone likes to complain about us Americans when we go abroad... |
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My dad moved to Cancun a couple years ago. He says that asian tourists are among the nicest groups... while americans, um, nevermind. |
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I can't defend mexican tourists either. The impune law-breaking attitude our culture raised us in gives us trouble in other countries. During the worldcup in France '98 a mexican drunk teenager thought it would be funny to pee in the flame of the soldier's monument (right down the " Arc du triumphe"). He was sent home after detention. Shame, shame... |
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[Tabs]: The beauty of [calum]'s tirade is that he actually lives in Glasgow. It is not for me to say that Glasgow is any better (of course) or worse (!) than Edinburgh. Merely it is enough to point out that [calum] commutes a non-trivial amount of time into Edinburgh especially to see the tourists whom he loves dearly.
(Tee Hee) |
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+ for the amusing rant about tourists.
- for the idea that pretending to hit each other is a good way of resolving our differences. |
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Is anyone else reminded of the Simpsons episode where they undertake family therapy with Dr Marvin Monroe who gives them padded baseball bats with which to beat each other? (If you haven't seen it, they remove the padding - very funny episode) |
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I was going to rant about Edinburgh having the most tourist-weighted ratio of visitors to locals and then I visited the island of Iona, population 125, which suffers no less than 140,000 tourists every summer, on an island of just a few square miles and one single track road. I would have bopped me, if I'd been a local. |
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I live in Durango, Colorado, USA, which has an entirely tourist driven economy. This last summer I worked as a whitewater raft guide(handle: Bluey, you may have heard of me(polishes fingernails))My tourist customers often asked at what altitude the deer turn to elk(8951 feet) What happens when the rafts fall off the tracks(we call the railroad) If the river goes in a circle(Yes, umm. Yeah it does). Having them believe this shit was the only thing that got me through. Well that and good tips. And heavy drinking. |
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BUT a bat would have been a nice gesture. And it would give the message to the parents of the three-year-old who I'm beating senseless with an inflatable bat. |
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I'll have a dozen with MOUNTAIN WATERS RAFTING TOURIST BOPPERS on the side please. |
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