Toilet Traffic Testicular Titillation

The handbook’s lengthy title had never put him off. He was so excited by its contents that here he was with a flashlight at 3 am, feverously laying open the pamphlet on the shelf in front of him, before dropping his pants and carefully lowering himself onto the ring.

He had of course made the necessary preparations, in spite of his haste. The kit’s keep-It-up strap was carefully tightened around his waist, he’d impaired the water level regulator with the included hardware and the bowl was filled to the edge with warm water. Still, his testicles retracted on contact with the surface, and it took considerable will power to relax them into a receptive attitude.

As he sat there trying to discern the seemingly random vibrations that echoed through the city’s sewer system, he absentmindedly perused the manual that would soon grant him unsurpassed powers of scrotal communication. It started with an introduction on the history of the ancient method, “When the Vikings, as the first Europeans, made their way to America in the 11th century, the Polynesians had long since discovered and populated nearly all the islands of the enormous Pacific, without compasses or charts. Their navigators, called kaivai, were highest in rank and could navigate by interpreting the stars, clouds, tasting water salinity and temperature, and by studying currents and waves. Reading and differentiating subtle patterns of swells was an essential skill and could sometimes only be accomplished by lowering one’s most sensitive parts into the waves.”

He hurriedly turned the pages past Chapter Three, Signal Transmission via Urination Interruptus, to the chapter on cyber cesspit ciphers when he perceived the first sonar tingles, but then cursed the garbled transmissions that resulted from communicators not waiting their turn.

Then his pulse quickened when he sensed a clear, gonadic signal that he eagerly decoded as, “Hi, I’m Ernie. I’m depressed. My wife doesn’t understand my needs, and my boss doesn’t respect my feelings of…”

“Wow”, he thought, “just like the conquerors of the southern seas and our mammalian kin below, I’m surfing the waves, aqua communicating!” His enthusiasm was dampened by some depth charge like thuds that muddled the rest of the message. He had read about this phenomenon and raised his legs in time to avoid the flush surge that overflowed and threatened to wet his slippers. He consoled himself that the SSSSMS system wasn’t based on the Indian scout trick of hearing distant sounds by pressing an ear to the medium.