h a l f b a k e r yExpensive, difficult, slightly dangerous, not particularly effective... I'm on a roll.
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Bathroom scales indicate the user's weight, not mass; they are calibrated on the basis that "g" is uniform over your planet's surface.
This is, however, what is known as a "lie"*.
The acceleration due to your planet's gravity actually varies quite a lot, depending on the relative positions of your
binary system with respect to your primary. The other planets have a very small influence too. This variation results in the marine phenomenon known as "tides".
The new BorgCo bathroom scales are programmed with the ability to use an Ephemeris to calculate the optimal time for you to weigh yourself, which is when the local value of "g" is lowest; it will then be able to display your weight in the best possible terms.
For those wishing to know their actual corrected mass, it can be switched from "Politician" to "Honest" mode, where it measures the downforce in Newtons, corrects for the instantaneous local variation in "g", and converts the result to kilograms.
*Probably not exactly the same thing as "Fake News", but the definitions review committee haven't actually issued a final ruling yet.
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A quick calculation tells me that a typical person's weight will
vary by about 1.5-2 ounces due to the changes in the relative
positions of the sun and moon, and somewhat more depending
on where you are on Earth. |
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I have, from time to time, used scales that automatically
correct for all variations in apparent g. They're the ones that
use a sliding mass to counterbalance the weighee. |
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// a typical person's weight will vary by about 1.5-2 ounces // |
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To a certain sub-group of individuals - the types normally predated by the vendors of slimming products, owners of "health clubs", and purveyors of negative body images and low self-esteem - such an "improvement" is well worth the quite frankly ludicrous price we are intending to charge. |
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If you are prepared to weigh in (ha, ha) with your usual "celebrity endorsement" then consider the usual envelope of used banknotes (no consecutive serial numbers) as good as "in the post", i.e. wedged behind the water pipes in the gent's washroom at Crewe station (perfectly safe, as since there are no longer any trains in Northern England, no-one has any reason to go there). |
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I can do better than that. I am willing to let you have
Sturton's endorsement, with documentary evidence of a
weight change of just over two pounds three ounces. |
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Have you been feeding him lead shot again ? Or have you simply refilled one of his numerous hip-flasks with metallic mercury ? |
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No, but he is not what one would call a slip of man. |
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Which reminds me: the intercalary wonders if he can have his
sieve and torque-wrench back, but you're welcome to borrow
his accordion if you've still got the problem. |
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Thankyou, the problem is now fully sorted, and by an astonishingly humane means; we dropped an M10 steel washer in a charity collection box and agitated it in a suggestive way. |
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Four microseconds later there wasn't even one scotchman in sight, just a cloud of slowly settling dust and the distant sound of running boots. No accordion necessary. |
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We shall return the items we borrowed forthwith, along with the sample tin of "everlasting treacle toffee" - admittedly a good prank, but we weren't fooled for a moment. And we have converted all those bags of geological carbon into the transparent crystalline form he seems to like, although the lumps are a bit irregular and some are only about a kilo or less. Is he building a rockery, or is it another of his aquarium projects ? |
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I think he just wanted something to throw at the Jehova's
Witnesses. |
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Being practical, perhaps I will now weigh myself during peak
high tides at noon. |
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Yes, the one you have at the moment is looking pretty grubby and beaten-up. |
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You'll have to work out what your budget is, then decide whether you can afford a new moon, a pre-owned moon, or if it's better just to renovate and extend. |
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We recommend Rentisham's, the premier product for shiny satellites. |
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Rentisham's was used in the Apollo program - the only time
that it has been legally exported from the UK. For situations
where it will be exposed to high vacuum and intense UV,
Rentishams does produce a special mix which remains fully
flegative for at least five years. It's not widely advertised,
but is available on request (minimum order 17kT). |
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