h a l f b a k e r yWhat was the question again?
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Send every piece of organic matter on earth into space and then blow it up. This solves a large number of problems. The last death rocket contains you. No point in leaving a job half done.
Not quite like hot-waxing
The_20Krinkelschutzen_20Plan
This is how you pick up all the assorted organic material - cats, trees, commuters... [lurch, Nov 07 2012]
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So if you remained, the job would be only half done. This implies that you comprise half of the organic matter on the planet. You must be pretty fat. |
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It's pretty tricky to implement a viable global
annihilation plan. Some people can be quite hard
to convice - you're all like "Get in the bloody
Rocket!" and they're all like "Nah, I've got
important business on the other side of town."
and you're "Well can't it wait?" and they're all "No
way, it's my Gran's birthday and I can't miss it this
year, or my Dad'll kill me." and you're all "Christ on
a bike, why can't you just get in the flaming
death-rocket?!" and they're like "I cannae." and
you're "Well fuck the fuck off then, you're holding
up the queue!" and they're raising
aloft a handbag going "Ooooh!" - always with the
fucking handbags. |
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True on both counts. Pedants, coincidentally, are going in the first rocket. |
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Perhaps the entire planet could be taken, and sent spinning through the vacuum of space? |
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// Pedants, coincidentally, are going in the first rocket // |
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Thankyou, we have out own exoatmospheric transport. |
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Somewhere else other than what? |
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//by import, not volume// Imported? Can't you just leave the same way you got here? |
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//Send every piece of organic matter on earth into
space and then blow it up.// |
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I think you're going to have a hard time getting every
piece of organic matter off the Earth. Some of it is
bound to remain as a residual byproduct of the
process of getting the rest of it off the Earth. This
idea is inherently doomed to failure. |
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Rather than getting organic matter off the earth, just spray it all with chemical fertilizer so it will loose its "certified organic" classification. |
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The joke being, of course, that theirs is the first death rocket (astronauts being pedants) and they explode before reaching home planet. |
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//you can use chemical fertilisers on organic crops// But you can't use many organic substances. |
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So what are you using as rocket fuel, that leaves no organics in the exhaust? |
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Wouldn't it be easier to just keep going like we're going now? I'm sure we'll use up all the organic material, or become all the organic material, or switch to "organic" foods, or otherwise end all human life, soon enough. And hey, if it ain't human, it don't count anyhow, so Earth would have been "destructed". |
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Is the HB organic? I'd hate to see it get "destructed"! |
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// Pedants, coincidentally, are going in the first rocket // |
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"We're going to need a bigger rocket..." |
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//So what are you using as rocket fuel, that leaves no organics in the exhaust?// Hydrogen + oxygen, ammonium perchlorate + aluminium, hydrazine, hydrogen peroxide, water + bicycle pump, springs, lead, churches, very small rocks. |
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Repressed pedantry is a pretty good propellant all on its
own, provided you can control the release. |
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Did you know that the collective noun for grammarian is pedanty (as in a pedanty of grammarians)? It's in the OED, so it must be true. |
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//water + bicycle pump, springs, lead, churches, very small rocks// Bicycle pumps usually have some kind of rubber seal, small churches almost always incorporate some timber in their construction. Using either of these a s rocket fuel will leave organic materials in the exhaust. |
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//the collective noun for grammarian is pedanty//
That is so delightful that I'm not going to check, for fear you're pulling our collective legs. |
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That would be millipedantic. |
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Fortunately I never learned to play the organ, so I'm safe. |
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//Send every piece of organic matter on earth into space and then blow it up.// |
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Wouldn't it already be 'up' ? |
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// Wouldn't it already be 'up' ? // Well, yes, as in "up in space". |
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But if the rocket is placed in a geostationary orbit (so as to present an easier target for the "blowing up"), I could, relatively speaking, look "down" on it from my home here in the Great White North (aka Canada). N'est-ce pas? |
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Who will be there to launch the last rocket? |
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You. See in the third sentence. |
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Isn't silly season traditionally when Parliament is in recess (Big Brother, football tournaments, paedogeddon (currently a moveable feast))? |
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I must confess that it wasn't the current US prez'l election that brought this to mind. Instead, I was pondering how those with world-destroying intent (Vogons aside) are apt to consider getting the job part-done as satisfactory, which is interesting, given that if you have the gumption to put a plan of this intent into action, you should blimmin well have the resolution to see it through to completion. I suppose, though, it may be that the evil genius may grow tired of the piddling, pedantic caviling of his scientific advisors and instead turn his attention to having them filleted. |
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The inherent problem with this plan is that some amount of organic material is destined to make it into the orbit of some far off star. It is inevitable that of all the total biomass of Earth that some puffball fungi, lichen, cockroach, or spermatozoon will settle into the dusty bosom of a habitable planet where it will transmorgrify under interstellar radiation into fertile organic substrate from which new life will slowly emerge. Eons will pass and life will again evolve. Hermaphroditic toroids will anomalously reproduce with compatible sexual organs. Sexual reproduction will allow for the variation and diversity of life. Existential crisis will again be reached, masses will be lied to, and organic matter will again be flung on someone's dying whim whereupon the process will again repeat itself. |
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On some level this idea reflects the inherent ethos of each living man, and every man who has lived. It is inevitable that the organic matter of each will be destroyed through entropy, explosion or otherwise, and the only remaining hope is that relatively microscopic escape pods will find a new home drawn to the rounded globes of distant bodies that are unintelligible, and will forever remain unknown to man. From these bodies new men, and new bodies will arise each with a similar hope, and the same fate of eventual destruction. |
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Yeah... that's the inherent problem. Everything else is spot
on. |
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