The Whistle-Stop Restaurant

A key problem when dining out, I have often found, is the time it takes from wanting to order something to it actually arriving at my table. It is first necessary to attract the attention of a member of waiting staff - often no mean feat in itself - who will eventually take the order and disappear for some interminable period, before returning with the requested item(s).

Imagine, then, a restaurant which cuts down considerably on these delays. A restaurant where the staff will know the very instant you want something, and where the very act of summoning also tells them precisely what it is you're after. This means the waiter will be able to make just one trip to your table, to deliver your food/wine/bill/etc.

"But how is such a remarkable feat possible?" I hear you all cry out desperately. Some would propose impersonal electronic systems, or complex gadgetry that most likely involves model railways placed about the whole restaurant. But my solution is simple, foolproof, and wholly without flaws of any kind.

Each table is issued with a set of whistles. There is a whistle of different pitch for each section on the menu - so if the menu comprised starters, main courses, side dishes, desserts and drinks, there would be 6 whistles in the set (including one for the bill).

To order, merely take the whistle corresponding to the appropriate section and blow. The number of blows on the whistle tallies with the place of the item in its section - so if you wanted the third starter, you would blow the lowest-pitched whistle three times. A member of staff will promptly hear your order and bring your food to you, which in the example given would be a vegetable samosa.

Whistles will of course be hygenically cleaned after every meal, as is normal with the cutlery. Some people may nonetheless wish to have their own sets, which is fine so long as they are pitched correctly. Having one's own set would also greatly simplify ordering food over the phone, especially where the line quality is poor or a language barrier exists - a whistle blows these niggles clean away.