h a l f b a k e r yVeni, vidi, teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.
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This technique has always seemed obvious to me, but
since
even my own bright children were skeptical of it, I will
attempt to explain it here, as I explained it to them.
(They
call me the Master of the Stinkless Fart.)
When you feel a bit (or a lot) of flatulence building
momentum, simply
remove--withhold--the offensive odors
before you allow it to pass. People in your vicinity will
appreciate the resonance and timbre (who doesn't?)
without
the miasma.
This takes lots of practice, as I've told my kids, but so
does playing
the French horn, and that doesn't stink, does it? (I say to
them, and now to you).
[link]
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[marked-for-deletion] it's not working. |
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I can't believe I'm writing this, in my defense I'm
really tired right now: |
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Activated carbon suppositories. |
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[MechE], brilliant! In one swell foop, you have saved the day for flatulent people everywhere! [Boomer], the problem I had with it was I didn't see the HOW. Please share this bun with [MechE] as he seems to have helped you pull this idea back from the brink of MFD extinction... [+] |
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When I mentioned practice, I meant LOTS of practice.
My kids are still working on this. |
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[MechE] Fatigue definitely makes this technique more
difficult. Get some rest. |
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I will admit that the technique is not easy to
explain let alone teach. |
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It's something like whistling and humming, only you
don't hum...or like inhaling cigarette smoke (don't
do this), then speaking without allowing the smoke
out. |
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Tuvan throat singing might give some insight. |
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I have never resorted to carbon (or any other)
suppositories (which is not to say these would not
help). |
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//You could always put activated charcoal in the
french horn.// |
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You could, but I do not think it would affect your
farts...but, perhaps I am wrong about this. |
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I hesitate to ask, oh who am I kidding, no I don't...Where does the smell...go to? |
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Just to clarify... This technique doesn't involve a flame near the exhaust port, does it? That does rather neatly take care of the smell; however, it has been baked beyond a burning cinder by teenage boys since the discovery of fire. |
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//Where does the smell...go to?// |
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It is neatly packaged in solid form, expelled later. |
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//This technique doesn't involve a flame near the
exhaust port, does it? // |
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Not in my house. No. I'm not saying flames don't
work. They are just so...conspicuous. |
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Anal ventriloquism is another, but very different
approach, to odiferous flatulence I have employed
to good effect. You 'throw' the blame (the audio
portion of the broadcast) to someone else in the
room. This is for when you are having trouble
keeping the stink out. (It happens.) But, I digress. |
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Surely most HBakers have heard of Indian yogis who
can slow their heartbeats? Ever read instructions
for this feat? Stinkless farts are comparatively
simple. |
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Methane, being odorless until otherwise effluvioused, should still ignite. As I have yet to hear of another test subject... ye must git ye to a bowl of chili and a lit tinder man! Science awaits! |
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Of course. Practice, then test your skills on your
children (for instance). |
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I never said 'anyone can do this.' Some clearly
cannot. |
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I'm still confused about this: [MechE] actually considered this seriously? - (although he was tired...) |
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CH4 (methane), isn't the problem, it's analogs/homologues of SULFER which produce the smell; HS (hydrogen sulfide) being the worst culprit. (Rotten egg smell...) |
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Activated Charcoal (C) anal filters? Naw, I have an even Better, Surefire solution to ram up your butt! |
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Vodka Enemas! I swear, if you ream out your colon with an almost lethal dose of vodka, you won't notice any smelly flatulence! Others may, but you won't! (Ass-uming you live...) |
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