The Sport Of King Edwards

This is another idea of mine which has been bubbling under since the 1970s and the first time I saw a deep fat fryer.

The holes in tennis rackets can be very similar in shape and size to the form of what we over here call potato chips and to a lesser extent what you over there call French fries. However, we generally either buy chips in chippies or supermarkets or laboriously slice them from potatoes. At this point I can just about hear the laughter of metallic aliens with dalek-like voices.

We already have an almost perfectly good method of preparing chips available to us in the form of a tennis ball launcher and racket. Since this is British cuisine, I envisage this taking place in a real tennis court as opposed to those Wimbledon thingies.

First, sharpen your racket. This racket is stringed with cheese wire and is exceedingly sharp and tough, possibly made of tantalum carbide. Second, put on your tennis whites, which in fact bear a resemblance to surgical scrubs for reasons which will become clear. Third, load up your tennis ball launcher with spuds. Fourth, set off said tennis ball launcher. As it pings potatoes towards you, parry the tubers by means of your razor-sharp racket, thereby reducing them to chips. When you have sufficient chips, vacate the court, whose floor is a hot plate, gradually increasing in temperature as you play. Finally a series of gunwales around the skirting boards opens up, spewing forth cooking oil and the entire chip-covered floor precedes to act as a deep-fat fryer, producing sufficient chips for a post-game meal. Fish out and serve, wrapped in newspaper naturally.