h a l f b a k e r y"It would work, if you can find alternatives to each of the steps involved in this process."
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“Evening, Winston,” said Reginald, putting his umbrella in the stand and shrugging off his overcoat.
“I presume you mean ‘*Good* evening, Winston’,” retorted Winston, “in which case you are correct.”
“Precisely. And on this fine evening I thought I might join you in a glass of port.”
“Did you
just start a sentence with a conjunction?”, Winston raised an eyebrow.
“Nonono” said Reginald, hastily back-tracking. “There was a comma after ‘precisely’.”
“I further presume that you meant to join me in *drinking* a glass of port, for to join me *in* a glass of port would require a larger glass than any yet known.”
Somewhat crestfallen, Reginald approaches the bar and requests a glass of port for himself and another for his friend.
“A glass sir? Or a schooner?”
“Did I say glass? Silly me. A schooner of course.”
Winston stands and pulls out a chair for Reginald as he approaches their usual corner of the room.
“Pull up a pew and tell me how you’ve been keeping, Reg.”
“How I’ve been keeping what?”
“Yourself.”
“By all means. I should point out that you are offering me a leather wingback, not a pew.”
______________________________________
Several schooners later…
“What say we sally forth into Mayfair and avail ourselves of some lusty fillies?”
“Sorry Winston, but bestiality is not entirely to my taste.”
“Some ladies of the night, then?”
“They will at least be plentiful, as all ladies we encounter at this hour will be of the night.”
“Maybe some tarts then?”
“Not hungry I’m afraid…”
etc.
How Gentlemen Serve Port
http://www.cockburn...t_port_serving.html
[jurist, Sep 05 2006]
Tenzing Norgay
http://en.wikipedia...wiki/Tenzing_Norgay
No, nothing to do with Hillary Clinton. [jutta, Sep 07 2006]
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is that wimp pole dancing? |
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Actually, I'm more rectangular. |
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Shouldn't that be "gentlemen's club"? Shirley, if there is only one gentleman, it is hardly a club. |
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I'll trade you this croissant for a membership. |
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This is the type of conversation up with
which I am willing to put, along with this
tasty croissant of seemless quality + |
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is shirley a gentleman or a cross-dresser or wot? |
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"Might I suggest that you put it back in?" |
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How does one become a member? |
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hello m'dear. pretty cryptic but nice to see you again... |
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The pleasure is all mine, but pray tell, sweet Po, what is this aesthetic cipher of which you speak? |
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I can hardly 'Barrett'. [baconbrain], you could have said, "Shearer-ly, if there is only one gentleman..." |
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As a "schooner" generally implies a large beer glass containing a pint or more of liquid (except in parts of Australia where it is considered 3/4 of a pint), I would have thought Reginald and Winston preferred a "snifter" (or any tulip-shaped glass) for their 3 ounce servings of port, unless they planned to make an evening of it. No wonder they were not hungry. |
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//“Sorry Winston, but bestiality is not entirely to my taste.”// |
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So though not entirely, it is <i>partially</i> to his taste? Creepy. Not sure I want to stick around Reginald... |
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Armand sat quietly in his club chair in the corner of the gentlemen's club's main parlour, savouring both the rich aroma of his Napoleon Brandy as well as the smooth burn it left on the back of his tongue. He gazed deeply into the amber liquid as he swirled it round the bowl of his glass, catching gleams of firelight. He had been listening to the conversation taking place between Reginald and Winston, though he knew it was impolite to do so, and he had been restraining himself. He did not want to cause a scene with an unseemly outburst but at last, unable to contain his pedantic rage any longer, he stood to face Reginald and Winston, whereupon he spoke. |
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"Gentlemen," he began, "I am afraid I must report your behaviour to the Sergeant-At-Arms. In the scant few minutes you have been here you have broken several rules of grammar and usage, not to mention the puns and double-entendres you have employed. And while I am doing so I shall also report myself for having eavesdropped into your conversation. There is no place in the Pedant Club for such behaviour." |
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Then he toasted the Queen, gulped down the rest of his brandy, and promptly fell face first to the floor. |
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As he helped the Sergeant-At-Arms carry Armand into the men's room, the bartender made a mental note to limit Armand's consumption to just three brandies in the future. |
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The Pedant Club regrets to inform its members that
following a lengthy investigation into the use of the word
"schooner", Frederick, our bartender for the last
eighteen
years has been released from his duties and transported
to the colonies. |
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I suspect that [wagster] may have been pulling our leg with his groceries. |
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I have sheathed my apostrophes in favour of the
traditional quotation marks. They appear messier to my
eyes, but rules are rules after all. |
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//to inform it's members// - (its) !!! - |
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Mr Wagster will be assisting Frederick to
scrape out the bilges, as they make
their way slowly in the approximate
direction of Van Diemen's Land, to take
up their new home. |
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To prevent further incursions into
similar language deviancies, and for the
protection of other passengers, they
will each be required to wear a muzzle
throughout the entire journey. |
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Mr Wagster will furthermore have his
typewriting instrument replaced with
one the size of a matchbox, so that any
more emissions of similar offensive
material are illegible to the naked eye. |
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<font size=(0.0002)> I just knew this
thread would end up
this way </font> <returns to scraping> |
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How ya like that Mr. Tindale? <prepares
for flogging on deck> |
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And as Reg and Win sailed the waters in said glass of port, the words that could be overheard sounded something like this; |
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"Stroke it to the left!"
"Alright"
"No, all left, like I...hey don't stroke THAT" |
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If I didn't know better, I might arrive at the conclusion that these aren't pendants at all, but merely people engaged in an unusually protracted round of Deliberately Misunderstand the Last Person. |
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Oh no, wait a minute <scans menu> has anyone else noticed that they're serving Fish 'n Chip's! I think they must do that on purpose. |
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Fission Chips? They must have stolen them from a nuclear power station. Somebody fetch the Peelers! |
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+ Around here a schooner is a 'two masted fore and aft rigged vessel'... |
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Glorious. Another fine venue to nibble on a croissant. |
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//Another fine venue to nibble on a croissant.// |
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I think you will find the seating arrangements perfectly adequate without having to utilise pastry goods as items of provisional furniture. |
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Furthermore, and in an entirely different way, I fail to understand why any building with the faculty for the hosting of meetings and events would be equipped with mandibles such that it could be seen to be engaged in the act of nibbling, of croissant's or otherwise. |
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It turns out they are NOT. And I refuse to check again. |
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Winston, as in Churchill? I doubt he would join. I think this is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which he would not put. |
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And you can most certainly begin a sentence with a conjunction. A recent link on 'Multiply' gave the definitive answer. |
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You change tenses pretty blithely at the Pedant Club. + |
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I am always been a stickler for tenses. |
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Wasn't Tenses the name of the Sherpa who
helped Hillary climb Everest for the first
time? (get's ready to pack for a long
voyage, in anticipation of name being
wrong) |
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And what did you think this club that we don't want to be quoted to out of up for? |
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I tried Tensing my buns but all I got was a crampon. |
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Well, one must Everest sometime, and that is what necessitates the pleasant but not over-upholstered setting of the Club, of course! |
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All these annos are terribly confusing. Can anyone summit up for me? |
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yep, the confusion is mountain |
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Concierge: "Good afternoon gentlemen. You are most welcome to avail yourselves of this establishment as long as you wish and in whatever manner you see fit. However, if I may suggest to your good selves..." |
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<hands party a number of cards, embossed "The Pun Club, Pall Mall"> |
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To which I responded "Kill it? But why? What has a Minjaro ever done to me?" |
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Who's wearing the crotchless leather pants, why are they tripping, and what the heck is opening a window going to do to remedy the situation? I demand answers! |
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//Kill it? But why? What has a Minjaro ever done to me?// |
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Don't try that on with me. I saw what happened to Kenny and Arny. |
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//As a "schooner" generally implies a large beer glass containing a pint or more of liquid (except in parts of Australia where it is considered 3/4 of a pint), I would have thought Reginald and Winston preferred a "snifter" (or any tulip-shaped glass) for their 3 ounce servings of port, unless they planned to make an evening of it.// |
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I was in a wine bar last night that served "schooners" of port (and other fortified wines). Each schooner held 12cl - 5ml less then a standard small glass of wine. |
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The club has telegrammed the colonies with respect to repatriating Frederick. |
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