h a l f b a k e r yLike gliding backwards through porridge.
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It was Christmas Day in England, and all the people were happy and content. They had opened their presents, feined joy at recieving them, and were tucking into their turkey with gusto.
Miles in the air, Baron von Krinkelschutzen was in his specially adapted massive helicopter. It, and many others
like it, had flown above cover of cloud all the way from Vulgaria to do this.
Inside the helicopter with him were the pilot, co-pilot and several hundred tonnes of finely shredded paper. It was packed in huge crates, the first of which was being loaded into the releaser now.
The bottom of the crate opened and the paper started falling through the high speed blade, which not only propelled the pieces into down but chopped them up further. Down, down, down they fell.
On the ground, the people of England looked around in astonishment! It was snowing! It was a white Christmas! Finally their years of hoping and betting had payed off! Yippee! They carried on eating, but with a new inner happiness.
The paper had been falling for some hours now. England was covered in about 6 cm of it. The English still hadn't noticed. After dinner the children had run outside, and played around, sledging, building snowmen, all the rest. But now England was silent. Everyone was safely asleep. Baron von Krinkelschutzen called the next party. Two hours later, when he saw them coming, he left.
England woke up the next morning and found it could not move. The second group of Vulgarian helicopters had done their work well. Pouring thousands of litres of water/PVA glue mixture onto the country below, every external surface in the country was submerged under 13 cm of solid paper mache. No one could get out, no one could get in.
England was mildly flustered. This was even worse than leaves on the line! Somehow someone found out who was to blame, and an annoyed telephone conversation followed. At midday, an even bigger Vulgarian helicopter flew in the sky above England. It did not need to hide. It sent down a long rope, with a grappling hook of sorts on the end. It floated above the exact centre of England and grabbed. It pulled.
With a huge Ker-Thlunk-Boom an exact cast of the surface of England came off. It flew to America, and became the basis for a new theme park called 'Englang-land'.
Baron von Krinkelschutzen smiled. His plan had worked. He ran his mind again over the events, then swore as he realised than he hadn't actually made any difference to anyone. Ah well, at least it was fun.
M.I.A. - Galang lyrics
http://www.lyricsfo...15579/M.I.A./Galang
'Englang-land' [normzone, Mar 05 2006]
M.I.A.
http://www.kaichang...es/mia_galang_3.JPG
[normzone, Mar 05 2006]
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Annotation:
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If Baron von Krinkelshutzen had incorporated a powdered glue formula into a mix with the finely shredded paper, perhaps simple capillary action would have caused water to have been drawn up from the surrounding seasides, rivers, and lakes, thereby eliminating the need for and resultant costs of the second wave of Vulgarian helicopters. |
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If you insist on spraying water over the final mix to ensure complete saturation, don't forget to add a bit of clove oil to the mix to keep the papier mache from getting moldy. |
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Galang, galang, galang, the lyrics go. Is that what that song was about? |
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Complete idiocy. I love it. Will send Snoopy to defend our sceptred isle. |
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I thought this was going to end in a plot to destroy the entirety of Enland by dropping a single match on the paper. |
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[jurist]: I passed the message on, and he'll do that next time, thanks. |
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[normzone]: I haven't a clue what you're talking about. |
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[wagster]: No use, we have already converted Snoopy to our side. |
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[jellydoughnut]: I think that's what he wanted to do, but forgot at the last moment. That's why he swore (most Vulagarians are not very inclined to swear, despite their national adjective). |
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What about Wales and Scotland? Too many lumps for you? |
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Anyway, you'd never be able to lift it as there is uncertainty, controversy even, over the precise location of the exact centre of England. |
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Finally, a decent Art Attack episode. |
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[egbert]: No, I think they managed to work it out (at the Ordinance Survey place) using a computer program designed to find the centres of irregular objects. We did it at school with a cardboard cut out and a thread. Besides, the exact centre doesn't matter because it will be supported anyway, just it would probably end up tilted. |
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[2 fries shy of a happy meal]: Glad to hear it. It might be hard to film though, and the kiddies might not fully appreciate it. |
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Actually, if we're going to start making life-size papier mache models, how about putting a cast of some of the Alps in the Cotswolds, so the English finally have somewhere close to home to go skiing. |
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I'm with Dr. Currenberger. |
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[jurist] - I've never been to England, but I've heard it described as "soggy". Would the distribution of water be such that we could be fairly sure of no dry patches, leaving unsightly holes in the casting? |
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Lovely, lovely, [dbmag9]; I need the Baron's e-mail addy so I can apply for a job as a painter. I have in mind a remarkable new colo(u)r scheme for Buckingham Palace, and several other landmarks which obviously can't be left papier-mache grey. |
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Location in America: London is positioned over Lake Havasu City, Arizona, allowing the casting to dry, the Thames to be replaced by the Colorado, and the bridge to be back where it's supposed to be. |
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I can't think of how many homeless people, cats, and specimen of plant life would be sucked up in the paper mache. |
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Ending up in Colorado would be a little disconcerting toall of them. |
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Easy for you to say. It isn't your country that's being turned into an art project. |
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Imagine what someone who found this page off a random Google search would think of us all. |
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I'm happy enough with my contribution. I thought my suggestion to add a bit of clove oil to the wetting agent was very sensitive to England's well-known propensity to mildew. That the clove oil is also capable of numbing dental sores when applied directly and has a pleasant odor can only be considered additional benefits to the populace. |
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[dbmag9], England pop music reference, see links. |
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This might result in someone taking a cast of the whole of US and laying it over all of Europe. |
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Helicopters? Pfah! Where are the Zepellins? |
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//This might result in someone taking a cast of the whole of US and laying it over all of Europe// They haven't already? Where did all these shopping malls come from then? |
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//England is too big and too soggy// |
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That'll be all the teabags we dispose of. |
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Classy idea - big, inside out papermache croissant o0(O)0o |
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One of those bones is mine. You were going *so* well with this idea [dbmag9]... but then you ruined the perfection by saying that the thick crust over England would be removed. |
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[egbert] Surely the exact centre of England is Wembley?! What other possible reason could there be to build the national stadium there if it wasn't equally accessible to all the English as is only fair and correct? |
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Actually, I don't think England is alone in having it's capital, and hence most major attractions/resources, away from it's geometric centre. |
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[dbmag9], using centre of area, you get a slightly different answer according to the time of day, given the varying gradients between high and low tide marks. |
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[dbmag9] .... Isn't he [notmarkflynn]s nemesis ? |
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