The Illustrated Contortionist

It must be tough making a living as a contortionist. There just aren’t as many circuses as there used to be, and it seems like everyone and their dog is attending Yoga classes these days. Walking on your hands with your legs wrapped around your neck just won’t draw in the crowds anymore. In these entertainment-saturated times, you gotta have a gimmick.

So here’s what you do – rent yourself a projector and the services of an artistically-minded mate for an afternoon. Spend the afternoon going through your entire repertoire of limb-bending brilliance as your friend casts various images on you through the projector. As you hold the pose, he dashes up to you and quickly traces the projections being cast over your body, following the lines as they spill from shin to forearm to left nipple. At the end of that exhausting afternoon, retire to the pub for a couple of hours, where you consume alcohol and funny looks in equal measures. Not only do you deserve a drink, you’ll also need a few for the next stage in the plan.

Once suitably anaesthetized: get thee to an all-night tattooist. Most big cities have them – just follow the drunken sailors. Get him to make all the seemingly abstract sweeping curves and fractured lines that now adorn your body permanent. If your friend has done his job properly, he won’t just have drawn the lines, but he’ll also have marked each area with a particular number, denoting a specific image or colour that should be used. Making your body like a giant paint-by numbers canvas for the (inevitably) bemused tattooist.

After waiting a couple of days (for the swelling to go down and the hangover to abate), you’ll find yourself the most wanted contortionist on the circuit. Although there may be a few sniggers when you walk out into the ring at the beginning of your act, those laughs will soon be replaced by gasps of awe as you twist yourself into your first pose and a single spotlight shows a hidden dragon suddenly leaping from your skin. You shift again, and the crowd applauds as a crouching tiger takes shape before their very eyes. And, at the very end of your act, they roar with ironic approval as your final contortion reveals a large heart with an arrow through it and a scroll beneath which simply reads “Mum”.