h a l f b a k e r yAssume a hemispherical cow.
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Saddle up, and climb onto your trusty bovine, grab the reins ( it could be a long race)
The forty cow jockeys, clad in brightly coloured satin pokadot and stripy shirts and hats approach, to be part of the annual cow steeplechase.
"The rules are simple" explains the commentator " it's a race
to the end, all fifteen hurdles around the track... and no hurdling the jumps !"
Instead, the object being is that each cow has to eat its way through the hedged hurdles whilst contemplating the sunken water trough hazzards, and reaching the finishing line with jockey intact.
Commentary ensues..
"On the outside"
http://www.animalag...du/press/taffy1.jpg
[skinflaps, Oct 05 2004]
Derek and Clive
http://www.phespiri...e/ad_nauseam_02.htm
sorta related... but couldn't resist the opportunity to link [jonthegeologist, Oct 05 2004]
Sheep Racing in Devon
http://www.thebigsheep.co.uk/
well... I gotta sheep inni? Moight aswell race it, see? [jonthegeologist, Oct 05 2004]
Four, not three.
http://seattlepi.nw...dinwash/dairy2.html
The digestive workings of the bovine. [Native Dancer, Oct 05 2004]
The Grand National
http://news.bbc.co...._racing/3594651.stm
To clarify [skinflaps]' obscure reference to a UK Steeplechase, which I suppose runs clockwise-fashion after British road rules. [dpsyplc, Oct 05 2004]
[link]
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Day 3: Daisy is a nose ahead having trampled her way through a half-eaten gap in the first jump. But, what's this? She's refusing the water until she's been milked. Well, this is a turn-up for the books. |
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The issue of having four (corrected from three) stomachs may be a factor in how many flora bariers there are ... |
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Time for a milk pit stop. |
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The Ultimate Jockey Endurance Test - This sorts the boys from the wimpier boys... |
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Maybe have a time limit, to see which cow goes farthest in 15 or so minutes... |
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My dictionary says "cow'valry", Mr. Flaps. + |
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[skinflaps] it's a lovely idea... Strangely though, in Devon UK, people have been racing sheep for a good few years. see linky. Ewetopia. |
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ahem, well they are <cough> a little <cough> strange <cough> down there... |
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I feel you'd need the regulatory body to take hedge samples right down the course beforehand to check for performance enhancers. Cows with those porthole things would be banned in case the rider popped em in there whilst going along. |
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Well folks, it's been an exiting afternoon of racing so far. We have seen 2 restarts today and there was that horrific crash near the chicanes in turn 1 at the start that took out the Penske-Viagra Cow team and put us under the yellow for almost 20 feet. Our polesitter Bossy is having a great run though and is pulling into the pits as we speak. And theeerrrreee goes the hoof crew lifting her up with the hydraulic jacks while the crew chief checks for exhaust leaks. The milker is working his magic and whoooaaa, I think I see some splash there, best to be careful with... FIRE! FIRE! THE MILK HAS IGNITED! OH THE HUMANITY!!!! |
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The Nascar Version:
"I'd like to thank my crew chief and the whole Borden-American Dairy Association-Nestle's Quik team for putting together a strong cow. The Borden-American Dairy Association-Nestle's Quik Cow really ran strong all day, there was never any doubt I was riding a superior bovine. I knew, God willing, that it would all fall into place if I ran a clean race." |
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The Nigel Mansell Formula 1 version:
"My hereford had gas and my stirrups were loose and my hooves were wrong for the course and my brakes went away, but I still hung on to win the race." |
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Hmmm... How to keep the steeds off the grassy infield? |
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//Strange images of rocket-powered cows fill my head.//
I've never heard "steak" said in so many words ... |
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Don't you mean rollersteaks. |
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//"The issue of having three stomachs..."// |
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Four, actually. (See Link) |
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I stand corrected. Thank you, [Native Dancer]. |
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"Well, this years event was a huge success with 27 of the 40 bovines making it across the finish line with Bessy coming in at 20 to one" |
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"Despite the hold up in the milking pits and a false start, the National recieved a good turnout crowd" |
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The latest odds for Daisy today is 1000-1. With a little luck within the next few days I could be virtually rich. |
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// Cows with those porthole things would be banned in
case the rider popped em in there whilst going along. // |
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The porthole is called a fistula, and from what I've seen it's
impossible to reach into one covertly. They seep fluid
constantly, they emit distressing odors (not unlike the
insides of a rabbit, but on a bovine scale), and even jaded
professors don't enjoy groping around in there. Imagine a
pre-vet student, 20-22 years of age, giving serious
question to their chosen field of study whilst up to their
biceps in the flank of a live and conscious cow who's not
altogether comfortable with the process--and that's in a
calm academic setting.* |
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Trying it during a race would be even funnier. Ever seen a
steeplechase jockey with one foot caught in the stirrup,
hopping
madly and trying to swing back into the saddle before that
next hedge? Like that, but with only one hand free and
considerably more oozing. |
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*now imagine [The Alterother], younger but not quite as
handsome as he is today, watching idly as each sucker
steps up for their turn to get _really_ hands-on with their
studies, secure in the knowledge that he himself will never
be required to reach into any part of a cow because he's
the farm handyman and ironically never gets the dirty jobs. |
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I take it that you did not win then? |
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Not at anything involving dairy farms, no. |
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