Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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I never imagined it would be edible.

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The Drug Channel

 Entertainment for the impaired
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Everyone needs some entertainment when high on whatever drugs they're on at the moment, and fortunately most drugs make staring at the carpet as exhilirating as skydiving naked paintball boogieboarding with a yak. Television could profit from this, as a channel devoted entirely to drug-induced entertainment would do well in the ratings.
TV Guide would be great, too:
6:00-7:00 PM (The Drug Channel)- Archie's LSD Hour- Archie and his friends discover the joys of an African Safari...in space
7:00-8:00 PM (TDC)- Weed Whackers - Don and Frank dare each other to eat ants then watch a parade
8:00-9:00 PM (TDC)- E! - cANDy RAverS DaNCe wHiLE CraZy DjS SPiN anD raNDoM coLoRs FLasH
9:00-9:30 PM (TDC)- Mescaline Mischief - Watch as Samamam's arm turns to a snake and convinces him that he is commandeering a tank
9:30-10:00 PM (TDC)- Crazy Sarge's Bonanza of Fun - Crazy Sarge is homeless...and completely fucked up! Tonight: Come hear his predictions for the future, then learn how to manufacture Black Tar Heroin
—AfroAssault, Sep 14 2001


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Annotation:







       Baked. Late night BBC2 is designed for stoners:   

       01:00 AM - 04:00 AM - The Learning Zone. Programs on subjects as diverse as suspension bridges, helices, or fractal mathematics. My personal favourite is "Hotel Hilbert", featuring a hotel based on the principles of Hilbert Space. It has infinite rooms - they're always full up, but they always have room for one more guest. In fact, they can fit in an infinite number of more guests should an infinite busload arrive. Or indeed an infinite number of infinite busloads. It's a real mindfuck at three o'clock in the morning when you're stoned out of your gourd.   

       04:00 - 06:00 - Teletext. I don't know if there's any equivalents of this for non-Brits, but think 1980's BBC (computer) style screens of blocky text and dodgy graphics - random news, weather, etc. - all shown with outrageous muzak of staggering... *uniqueness*. I'm sure the guys in the sound room are passing round the joint and digging through the easy listening records for the purest loungecore they can find... "Whaddaya think, Helmut Zacharias and His Orchestra do 'Light My Fire', or Horst Jankowski's 'Walk In The Black Forest'?"   

       Does go quite well with acid, also.
—Guy Fox, Sep 14 2001
   

       Guy- When I lived in good ol' Hillbilly Wyomin', we HAD that channel, with the colors seemingly chosen at random, complete with text rivaling that of a TRS-80. Of course, it was local for the yokels (damn I love saying that), and for some reason I always found myself staring at it as if in a trance...

Oh, and for yous guys (say that like you're from New Jersey) that say "baked," I urge you to re-read the idea and look over my program listing again. I know of no such "drug channel" except for the one Guy and I are talking about, and the shows I mention, to my knowledge, do not exist. Except the Crazy Sarge one, if you can find him downtown you're in for a live show.
—AfroAssault, Sep 15 2001
   

       Being baked... Why do you want a special program? A snippet from Adam Sandler's "Mr. Bake-O":   

       I'm sitting in my chair, watching the TV.
It's not even on, but there's plenty for me to see.
I just lit some crazy-ass shit...
—jabbers, Sep 19 2001
   

       You shouldn't waste good drugs by watching TV on them.
—stupop, Sep 19 2001
   

       How about adaptations of popular sitcoms like Seinfeld, but tuned in more to the stoned end of the market:
   

       Jerry: boobies
George: erection
[uncontrolable laughter followed by thunderous applause from the audience]
—sdm, Sep 19 2001
   

       I have stage fright, no doubt, I could not address the National Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependence convention without a few bumps first.
—Darryl_Strawberry, Sep 19 2001
   

       barbapapa would be perfect for this channel.
—mihali, Sep 19 2001
   

       10:00 PM - 12:00 AM (TDC) MOVIE: Half Baked (R). Stoners sell pot to bail buddy out of jail. Shown in Sensi-vision (no commercials)   

       12:00 AM - 12:30 AM (TDC) Bob and Rob's Bong Show. Watch as these two clowns create bongs out of every household item imaginable. This week: Semi-soft fruits.   

       12:30 AM - 1:00 AM (TDC) Teletubbies   

       Croissant! (hmm.. why would *I* vote for *this*?)
—Mr Burns, Jul 11 2002
   

       Hey, can I get this? I just got AT&T's Digital Gold Package! It's got four stations of HBO! It's gotta have this, right? Right?   

       I'd criossant this idea more than once if I could, for the Weed Whackers alone. I miss you, AA. May no one ever dare to harsh your mellow, dude.
—1percent, Jul 12 2002
   

       Sesame street is another substitute for Teletubbies. You start to think they're all high too.
—crys323, Jul 12 2002
   

       i would watch this channel every day, sober or intoxicated
—sk8nizterrable, May 28 2003
   

       How about Tracy Morgan from SNL doing his skit "Astronaut Jones." That show should be made into an entire TV series.
—papazit, Aug 10 2003
   


 

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