The Buchanan Family Anthem

At the Buchanan Saturnalia party today, we were treated to the annual Family Sing-Along where the whole pack (troop ? cast ? murder ? parcel ? pride ? unkindness ?) of them gather under the Yule Tree in an impromptu choir to belt out the old Family Anthem, accompanied by an orchestra of servants, retainers, villeins and slaves.

It's quite amusing, so we took down the lyrics to share with other halfbakers on this festive day:

You'll have heard of the Buchanan family,
With their hist'ry so long, dark and grim,
But it's certain they're all born survivors,
My God, how the money rolls in !

The Phoenicians came sailing to Cornwall,
To trade for the valuable tin
But were swindled by one Chief Buchano,
My God, how the money rolled in !

When Claudius landed in England
His prospects of conquest were slim,
He bought help from a Celt, King Buchanus,
My God, how the money rolled in !

St. Augustine, he came to help pagans,
And good Christian converts to win,
The Buchanans, they housed and fed pilgrims,
My God, how the money rolled in !

The first Earl was friends with Duke William,
Though the English bought arrows from him,
Like the one that did in poor King Harold ...
My God, how the money rolled in !

When the Lion-Heart went off crusading,
He took Duke Buchanan with him,
A byword for theft, rape and pillage ...
My God, how the money rolled in !

King John was a fool and a spendthrift,
And "lost" his crown jewels near King's Lynn,
From the care of a certain - Buchanan ...
My God, how the money rolled in !

King Richard was scuppered at Bosworth,
A battle he thought he could win,
A Buchanan, he stole his last gee-gee,
My God, how the money rolled in !

King Hal wanted rid of the Catholics
He sold all their stuff to his kin,
Through a helpful old lord called Buchanan,
My God, how the money rolled in !

Queen Liz faced the Spanish Armada,
Whose cannon were cast much too thin,
By a gunfounder known as Buchanan,
My God, how the money rolled in !

The Scottish Queen Mary was Catholic,
But her son was a Protestant grim,
‘Cos his tutor was one George Buchanan … *,
My God, how the money rolled in !

The clan all did well when King James came,
They made lots of cash under him,
Through wholesaling dodgy gunpowder ...
My God, how the money rolled in !

King Charles, he was chased by the Roundheads,
But a devious Lord sheltered him,
The family name was Buchanan,
My God, how the money rolled in !

Then Puritans came, under Cromwell,
They tried to eradicate sin,
But they reckoned without the Buchanans,
My God, how the money rolled in !

Charles Two had an eye for the ladies,
Like Miss Walter and young Nellie Gwynne,
And a certain young Lady Buchanan ...
My God, how the money rolled in !

William of Orange, and Mary
Came safely ashore at Newlyn,
And were met by young Viscount Buchanan,
My God, how the money rolled in !

King George, he went as mad as a hatter,
But recovered when they treated him,
With pills made by a Doctor Buchanan,
My God, how the money rolled in !

The Prince Regent was truly a glutton,
He shoveled the food and drink in,
All supplied by his agents, Buchanan's
My God, how the money rolled in !

When Boney was marching through Europe,
At Waterloo he cried out "Fin !"
When betrayed by an aide - called Buchanan ...
My God, how the money rolled in !

Now Shelley was reckoned a hero
But sadly he just couldn't swim
In that lifejacket, sold by Buchanan's
My God, how the money rolled in !

George Stephenson struggled with patents
They just never got granted to him,
Unlike his young helper, Buchanan,
My God, how the money rolled in !

Queen Vicky was married to Albert,
They both were quite partial to gin,
Supplied by a firm called Buchanan's
My God, how the money rolled in !

The Light Brigade charged at the Russians,
But their chances of living were slim,
Wielding tin swords, all forged by Buchanan's
My God, how the money rolled in !

Now, Gladstone was terribly moral,
So he strove to save women from sin,
And Buchanan (who owned all their leases) ...
My God, how the money rolled in !

The ship that sank USS Congress,
Oh, it cheated in order to win,
Commanded by Franklin Buchanan **
My God, how the money rolled in !

When Confederates clamored for rifles,
A ship came in, full to the brim,
Sneaked in by one Captain Buchanan,
My God, how the money rolled in !

With Paris besieged by the Prussians,
Impressionist art was their thing,
The Buchanans bought pictures for pennies,
My God, how the Manets rolled in ...

The Brits fought a war against Dutchmen,
The gold and the diamonds to win,
But the Boers never went short of bullets ...
My God, how the money rolled in !

The Prince, who at last was King Edward,
Favoured ladies with vigour and vim,
All procured by his mate Lord Buchanan,
My God, how the money rolled in !

George the Fifth, he of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha,
Dumped his Boche-sounding name in the bin,
When advised by his lawyer, Buchanan
My God, how the money rolled in !

Al Capone made a fortune from liquor,
It was tax fraud that got him turned in,
His accountant ? A man called Buchanan …
My God, how the money rolled in !

Edward VIII was enamoured of someone,
Who wasn’t the right girl for him,
But Buchanan fixed up all the papers,
My God, how the money rolled in !

For Adolph, the war ended badly,
In a bunker in central Berlin,
A Buchanan had sold him a pistol …
My God, how the money rolled in !

JFK was a little bit naughty,
With a pretty girl called Marylin,
All fixed up by a friend called Buchanan,
My God, how the money rolled in !

So, don’t deal with those tricky Buchanans,
They’ll swindle you just on a whim,
And Maxwell is one of the baddest,
My God, how the money rolls in !


*This is actually true.

** This is actually true too.