h a l f b a k e r yThe embarrassing drunkard uncle of invention.
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What we're really talking about here is not heraldry, but armory - the
design and description of armorial bearings such as shields and crests.
However, that's what most people think of when you say "heraldry", so we'll
go with that henceforthward.
Heraldry evolved from the need to be able to
tell who was on your side in a
war. Horses and armour all tend to look a bit the same, and when full-face
PPE came into use, it got really difficult to tell if you were about to impale
a friend or foe. The different teams therefore adopted different coloured
shields and other decorations. But the full Pantone range was not available
back then, so it became necessary to use different combinations of colours.
As the warring industry picked up and more teams were formed, so the
colour patterns got more complicated, and bells and whistles (like, say,
pictures of lions) had to be added so you could tell who was who, and who
wasn't.
Eventually, the monarchy stepped in and started regulating all these
designs, to keep things orderly. And, at this point, it became necessary to
develop a standard language for describing the patterns. There also
developed a standard way of indicating achievements, victories, kinship and
so forth - a sort of strict graphical shorthand. So, you end up with things
like "Argent a Cross Gules in the first quarter a Sword in pale point upwards
of the last; Crest On a Wreath of the Colours a Dragon's sinister Wing Argent
charged on the underside with a Cross throughout Gules; Supported on
either side a Dragon Argent charged on the undersides of the wings with a
Cross throughout Gules." - gobbledygook to you and me, but a precise and
concise description of the coat of arms of London.
Nowadays, there are simpler ways of identifying friends or foes in war, but
there is still an arena in which graphical symbols are key parts of identity - I
refer, of course, to graffiti and specifically tags, as I believe the young
scallywags refer to them.
There is clearly an opportunity crying out to be missed, in formally
describing tags in an unambiguous way. In this manner, tags can be
registered and guaranteed unique and non-confuseable. Moreovermore,
anyone encountering a new tag for the first time will be able to jot down a
quick heraldic description of it ("Lime a Cross Gules in the third quarter a
machine gun in verso; supported sinister and dexter by a J in script cursive;
withal in a lozenge azure; crest a membrum virile erect with testicles
twice.") for later identification.
As with conventional heraldry, tag heraldry can be expanded to codify
achievements and attainments, as well as descent and pedigree as gangs
split and merge.
[link]
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There is clearly scope to estasblish a College of Arms, where the actual arms - complete with scars, tats, finger rings, stolen Rolex, and bloodstains - can be preserved in formalin for future reference. |
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That's a good idea. If there's a few ml of formalin left over,
it could house the College of Brains. |
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Many years ago, when the Blair government was young, I heard
this story of a New Labour apparatchik: running free in the
unfamiliar surroundings of the Palace of Westminster, he
answered a ringing phone. (You will remember that phones in
those days belonged to places rather than people ... {cries of "Get
on with it, Grandad!"}) |
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Anyway, on picking up, he heard "Lion here!" Naturally assuming
it was one of his friends fooling around, he answered "Tiger here!"
It turns out that was a mistake; the voice on the phone belonged
to a character entitled "The Lord Lyon King of Arms", who not only
still existed, despite it not being the Middle Ages any more, but
also expected people to know who he was. |
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I can picture Peter Mandelson trying to pitch exactly this idea to
that man. |
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That sounds like recklessly lavish over-provision. A couple of drops should be more than enough. |
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What is the volume of a single neuron, anyway ? Not much. |
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Presumably the entire collection would be displayable on a single 75 x 26 glass microscope slide, including space for several more decades of further exhibits. |
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In England, the only people other than the reigning Sovereign and their consort permitted (and expected) to wear true crowns (Peers of the Realm wear coronets, which are not the same) are the Kings of Arms of the College of Heralds. |
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Anyone else wearing a crown would be guilty of Usurpation and High Treason, for which the penalty is severe, including - in time of war - summary execution. |
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Alternatively, graffiti vandals to be regulated and registered by Lord Tyger, who would mandate (on penalty of the usual criminal proceedings etc.) that their airbrushed tags should conform precicely to the established rules of heraldry. |
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It's not // the usual criminal proceedings // that should be of concern - it's the unusual and archaic criminal penalties. |
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Is that why Burger King is over here? Asylum from the UK?
Is he just a Burger Duke there? |
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He's actually just a Burger Earl; the "King" was just a
marketing tweak in order to avoid it sounding like "Bugger
All" in a British accent. |
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Or even the notoriously bland and unsatisfying VeggieBurg ... |
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When I posted Digital Heraldry on Mar 11, I didn't realize that MaxwellBuchanan had already posted this similar (yet much more completely developed) crustiness only 6 days earlier. My apologies to M. Buchanan. No plagiarism intended. |
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