h a l f b a k e r yVeni, vidi, teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.
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Surreptitious Horse-Stance Stool
"Alright, so you think... you're tough, eh? But I'm still your master though and however, you will be... adopting the horse-stance for 15 hours!" | |
Don't worry. Your trusty goofy-teethed kung-fu schoolmate is here to help with yet another ingenious contraption to make those long hours of training-torture that little bit more bearable.
"Hey, you hungry? Have a rice bun while... I tell ya something! Yeah!
"I see Master wants you in the horse-stance...
for 15 hours! Oh, bowls of boiling water on your legs, sharp spike underneath your rear. But wait though! Not to worry Jackie, and maybe try this out...
"It's a rigidly constructed, retractable stool that... fits inside, your trousers. Just a flip of the catch releases the legs, OK? Yeah, so as you adopt the horse stance. It needs a little practice to release the legs as you bend yours right though, but you'll pick it up, real quick! It's cleverly painted the same colour... as your skin too, so Master can't see it! Much better than that big old wooden stool we tried cheating with last time. Remem...ber?
"Say, I'd better go before Master catches me. Say, what a technique! I must try it on your sister!"
<scamper>
(?) The stool
http://img172.image...=horsestanceen3.jpg
Wow! Look at in action! Alright! [theleopard, Nov 14 2006]
(?) The Horse Stance Punishment
http://www.gorinkai...cine/fotos/dm03.gif
Cripes! [theleopard, Nov 15 2006]
For those of you who haven't a clue what the hell they're talking about...
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080179/
Ignore the marketing, and enjoy the person and the physical capability [normzone, Nov 19 2006]
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Annotation:
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<points to the beaten bodies of his attackers>
<points agressively at [21Q]>
<clenches fists so tight they crack with an intimidating ferocity>
<widens legs, beckons to the door behind him, and indicates the only way out is to crawl under> |
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<scampers in>
[theleopard] I only wish...I had one of these - not only to...improve my training. But also...so I could enjoy resting...at open-air rock concerts.
<indicates and leers at attractive market girl>
Also, may I ask politely...is this...ellipsis...device a means to convey bad...dubbing?
<nods knowingly>
<is clonked by girl, before scampering off rubbing head going "owayowayoway"> |
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"Indeed, and not just... the frequent pauses but, plus, furthermore a more grammatically, incorrect... style... though."
"Perhaps you would like a taste of my 4-door Dragon's word steel, hm?"
<unsheaths sword>
-schzzwing!- |
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My only fear is the possibility of the knee joints of the stool pinching the taut and sensitive skin at the back of my knees. And yes, that is a very specific fear. And no, I don't know what the formal phobia name is. |
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<glances towards [zen_tom]>
<looks back at [21Q]> |
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"You think your... guns are a match for me? Try, my invisible blade eagle strike! Ha!"
<adjusts sword's angle to reflect light into [21Qs] eyes, -shwang- who for a moment squints -"ah!">
<with left hand hurls a shuriken into the barrel of the Colt, -phwoft- -shtunk!- rendering it useless> |
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"You... underestimate me!" |
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-SHPOIK!- <deflects incoming Shuri-colt> |
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Hard to dance with a stool in your pants. |
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<pulls rope by nearby pulley that opens hatch underneath [21Q]>
<[Quest] falls to his horrible aligatorry doom in the pits below> |
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/<widens legs, beckons to the door behind him, and indicates the only way out is to crawl under>/ |
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I am going to use that as a stock response to [21Q] when he fails to see the inherent beauty in a wildly unworkable idea. |
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I have also designed for this range of lazy Kung-fu student training-aides these specially designed telescopic water cups.
The situation: Your master has caught you replacing his wine with water so that you could have a tipple yourself, and his punishment is an obvious one; Suspend yourself from your feet on a wooden frame and transport the water from a couldron on the floor to two buckets up by your feet using two small water drinking cups, thereby having to do God knows how many vertical sit-ups. |
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My telescopic faux-wooden drinking cups look like ordinary cups but when Master falls asleep they can extend to massive beaker size, thus rendering your punishment far easier. Just keep an eye on your Shi-fu and if his eyes flicker, flick the switch and viola! An apparantly arduous task once more. |
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Often, one's master will set an arduous task in order to teach us about lateral-thought (or just because he wants some peace and quiet in order to settle down for a nice drink from his favourite gourd) |
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Exactly, that's why I designed this balsa wood table. |
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Have you ever found yourself disgraced because you couldn't keep the Lion's head lifted in a dance, the prize money from which could have saved your Gym from closure? There's only one thing you'll be hearing out of Shi-fu, "Pick up that table 100 times!" |
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Damn and blast! But wait! Here comes your mate with a nice and light balsa wood replica table! Thank goodness. |
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Just ensure your waistband is securely tied, that's something I can't help you with, and Shi-fu just hates a poorly tied waistband. |
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Title reminds me of the dreaded
Repititious Whore's Dance Tool |
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The funniest thing I think I've ever written online & not a laugh or even a cricket to chirp.
Dopamine, dopamine, why haste thou betrayed me? |
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Actually, I've copied your comment, but I can't figure out where to paste it... |
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I think it only fit here. It rhymed, too. |
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Ah, didn't rhyme for me, being from Southern England and all. Not unless we pronounced pants as 'parnce'. |
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"Jeremy, I do so love to chance a dance in my brightly coloured parnce!"
"Quite right Sebastion. Or should I say Sobowsteione?" |
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"Work out a rhyme, toss me the time..." |
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For a mojito sublime, squeeze in a lime...? |
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<stabs own face with shuri-gun> |
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