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Stroking room
For the comfort of all passengers, this is a non-laptop flight | |
Not sure how long it will be before laptops are universally banned from
cabins, but if it does happen, then airports should provide little rooms
where people can stroke the keyboards.
The rooms could be built with adequate protection to stop infection of
fellow passengers.
[link]
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I worry that people might see the sign 'Stroking
Room' on the door and misconstrue exactly what you
are allowed to do in this room. |
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You mean they might bring cats? |
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Shirley it's up to the bloody airlines to figure out a reasonably reliable way to distinguish a laptop from a bomb? If they can't do that, I have very little optimism about their ability to get airborne in the first place. |
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Also, what's to stop a laptop from exploding in the baggage hold? |
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Eventually, we will reach a point where we are only allowed onto planes naked, carrying no more than a single page of A3 and a toothbrush, and following a cavity search. |
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... unless you're the pilot. |
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Of the many advantages of private aviation, not the least is the ability to waddle out onto the apron laden down with cellphones, large bottles of liquids, tablet computers, sets of chef's knives, pyrotechnics, electrician's tools and a 28mm flare gun in your flight case in the sure and certain knowledge when you settle in to your seat that the aircraft is going to go where you steer it. |
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// Shirley it's up to the bloody airlines to figure out a reasonably reliable way to distinguish a laptop from a bomb? // |
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Oh, they did that years ago. Unfortunately it involves "employing staff who aren't total numpties", an approach which was found to adversely affect the surplus profit available to pay for big dinners for the directors, so it was quietly dropped in favour of just inflicting more delay, discomfort and inconvenience on passengers. |
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Not surprisingly, the technique was pioneered and championed by British Airways, who to this day are leaders in the field. |
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// If they can't do that, I have very little optimism about their ability to get airborne in the first place. // |
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Now, at last, you start to understand... |
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// Also, what's to stop a laptop from exploding in the baggage hold? // |
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Wishful thinking, mostly. |
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// following a cavity search. // |
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If smugglers can swallow packages of narcotics, then terrorists can swallow packages of explosives. The internal suicide bomb has already been shown to be entirely practical, and can evade all current detection systems. It just hasn't been deployed in the field yet, but that's only a matter of time. |
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Wasn't there some Arab bloke who did that with a bunch of explosives stuffed up his distal end? Set them off when shaking hands with some prince. If I recall, the only result was a sort of a "whump", and the bomber levitated a few inches before coming down dead. |
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If that report is true, we ought to look into the possibility of making body armour out of Arabs, since they seem very effective at absorbing explosions. |
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I have yet to hear about a suicide bomber who can stuff a
laptop where the sun don't shine. |
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Maybe that Arab bloke mistook his device with a real
laptop? |
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Apparently it was Abdullah al Asiri. Total damage to his target was an injured finger. Total damage to al Asiri was more significant. He was carrying a bomb in a body cavity. ("Rectum?" "Yes, blew 'em right off.") |
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"...he surprised me by blowing himself up" ... |
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Prince Nayef, target, who receives the Understatement of the Year award for 2009. |
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Prince Nayef is no doubt a man not easily surprised; even less so after the incident. A variation of the Queen's standard questions when meeting the public (There are two, "Have you been waiting long ?" and "Have you come far ?") perhaps needs to be augmented with "Hello, have you stuffed any explosives up you arse today ?" |
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Interestingly, a 2013 article in The Telegraph about body-cavity explosives cites one Andy Oppenheimer as an explosives expert. Perhaps such expertise is hereditary. |
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The same article also says "There are currently deeply serious concerns over body cavities ... being used to hide explosives". Charmingly, that quote comes from a Mr. Beaver. |
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