h a l f b a k e r yNaturally, seismology provides the answer.
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The problem with children is that they
grow continuously up to the age of about
18. This means frequent purchasing of
new clothes and shoes as they outgrow
the old ones.
The growth of an individual cell is largely a
stepwise phenomenon. The cell sits
around for quite a while, then divides
into
two new cells. Each of these cells then
rapidly grows to the size of the original
cell, in a relatively short space of time.
Hence, the growth of a single cell, plotted
as a graph, would be a sort of a staircase
with not-quite-vertical risers.
Children, however, are woefully
asynchronous. Each cell is undergoing
this quasi-stepwise growth, but is out of
synch with it's neighbours. The result is a
superficially smooth and continuous
growth pattern, necessitating frequent
trips to clothing stores and shoemongers.
Asynchronous growth woes begone!
Stop-n-Go-Step-n-Gro products (a
wholly-owned subsidiary of MaxCo, Inc.)
is proud to present it's coincidentally-
named Stop-n-Go-Step-n-Gro system
for children and parents everywhere and
beyond.
As you're doubtless aware, colchicine is a
natural product first isolated from the
autumn crocus. It inhibits mitosis,
stopping the cell cycle just before the
point of division. In laboratories, it is used
to synchronise cell cultures by blocking
cell division until all cells have caught up
and are waiting to divide. The colchicine is
then removed, and all the cells go through
cell division at the same time, and remain
in synch for a while thereafter.
Our Stop-n-Go-Step-n-Gro Milkshakes
contain just that special dose of
colchicine. Just one SGSG Shake a day will
keep your child's cells delicately poised on
the verge of mitosis, until every last cell is
just raring to divide. Then cut out the
SGSG Shakes for three days and - ipso
calypso! - one year's growth in the space
of just 48 hours.
With careful administration, SGSG can
transform your child's growth from an
endless shoe-shop-visiting experience to
a simple series of five size-doublings,
timed to suit your budget.
Available in banana, guava and lamb
flavour.
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Annotation:
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The trouble with this is that parents will be left needing to buy new shoes, trousers, shirts, jumpers, school uniforms etc. all at the same time. For a typical working family with two school-age children this is a major expenditure. |
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This idea would be much more useful to cash-strapped parents if they could somehow stagger the growth of different body parts throughout the year, to coincide with the availability of money. |
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"No, Timmy, mummy and daddy can't afford to let your legs grow until next month. We only bought Janey a new pair of shoes last week!" |
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//The trouble with this is that parents will be left needing to buy new
shoes, trousers, shirts, jumpers, school uniforms etc. all at the same
time.// Au not at all! Consider the roughly exponential (but
irregular) growth of a typical, uncontrolled child, in terms of shoe
sizes: 0,0,0,1,1,2 ,2,3,3,4,5,5,5,6,6,7,8,9,11, 13, 14, 15, 16 - a total
of 17 purchases are needed (assuming that the child never keeps a
pair of shoes long enough to wear out). |
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Now consider stepwise growth, appropriately controlled:
0,0,0,0,0,1,1,1,1,1,2,2, 2,2,4,4,4,4,8,8,8,8,16 |
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Same initial and final sizes, same timespan, but only six purchases
needed. All you are doing is cutting out some of the intermediate
steps. |
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Well, the drug is about 85 cents for a 0.5g pill. So, if you are giving one of these pills everyday, then we're talking about 300 dollars a year. Depending on how nice you dress your kids, this may actually work out. + |
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I can see how your proposal reduces the total number and value of clothes purchases. |
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My point is that if you allow your entire child to undergo cell division all at once, then each of those six purchases has to consist of an entire new set of clothes. |
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Shoe size: 0,0,0,0,0,1,1,1,1,1,2,2, 2,2,4,4,4,4,8,8,8,8,16
Trouser size: 0,0,0,0,0,1,1,1,1,1,2,2, 2,2,4,4,4,4,8,8,8,8,16
Shirt size: 0,0,0,0,0,1,1,1,1,1,2,2, 2,2,4,4,4,4,8,8,8,8,16 |
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At each doubling, every part of your child becomes larger, and all their shoes, trousers, shirts, T-shirts etc. must be replaced simultaneously. |
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If you can control the process in a more finely grained way, you can spread the financial load over a longer period: |
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Shoe size: 0,0,0,1,1,1,1,1,2,2, 2,2,4,4,4,4,8,8,8,8,16,16,16
Trouser size: 0,0,0,0,0,1,1,1,1,1,2,2, 2,2,4,4,4,4,8,8,8,8,16
Shirt size: 0,0,0,0,1,1,1,1,1,2,2, 2,2,4,4,4,4,8,8,8,8,16,16 |
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The total cost of new clothes is the same - six new pairs of shoes, six new pairs of trousers, and six new shirts. However at each step, only one item of clothing needs replacing, and you only need to visit one clothes shop at a time. Easier on both the wallet and the feet! |
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