h a l f b a k e r yThe best idea since raw toast.
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New from BorgCo, in a range of sizes from 200mm to life size, this new source of illumination is a must-have home accessory* for every true-born** anglophobic gallic git***
On a sturdy, heavy base**** stands a figure of a young woman (lovingly injection-moulded in Genuine Simulated Plastic-effect
stuff) dressed in medaeval armour, holding aloft in her right hand a sword, and grasping in her left hand the staff of a banner emblazoned with Fleur-de-Lys on a blue ground.
The tip of the sword and the head of the staff are close together, and conceal carbon electrodes. When switched on, a brilliant light is produced by the electrical discharge between them.
Note that this discharge emits damaging amounts of UV radiation, capable of causing both skin burns and blindness after even modest exposure.
Comprehensive safety data and instructions are provided - printed in Flemish. As this would require the purchaser to interact with a non-francophone Belgian to obtain a translation, the chances of them being read by the owner are minimal.
*As long as the home lasts, that is. These things are a lethal electric shock and fire hazard.
** i.e. actually has some idea of who their father might be.
*** Yes, tautology. They're all anglophobic gits, but it needs saying.
**** Heavy partly because it contains the arc-generating electrics, but mostly because it's packed solid with Thermite.
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You should gift the first one to a deserving party, over there.
Whom? |
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Hélène Carrère d'Encausse would be first in line. |
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Open carbon-arc lights are rather smokey, thanks to
atmospheric oxygen. Also, the carbon electrodes need to
be feed-able toward the arc, since they are slowly "used
up" inside the arc itself. Without a feed-mechanism, the
distance between electrodes will increase until the arc
cannot be initiated when the lamp is turned on. That
outcome might affect your evil plan.... |
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Also available: Vin der Graaf - an exclusive French
wine with a high-voltage spark generator in each
bottle |
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Can we expect additional light fittings, for example,
paying tribute to the Irish hero Phil O'Ment? Or to the
present day members of great South American
nations - the Incan Descent bulb? |
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Please send one to 725 5th Ave, New York, NY 10022. Top
floor. Or bottom. Doesn't matter which. |
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No problem, but we'll need a credit or charge card number to bill against before we ship. |
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// That outcome might affect your evil plan.... // |
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Be assured, there is indeed a feed mechanism to maintain the arc gap. |
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Well, we're not supposed to bun titles, but "St Joan of Arc Lamp" tickles my arse a bit, so [+], though I didn't picture something quite so self-immolative, just a translucent statue with one of those fake-fireplace "flame" generators inside. |
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// I didn't picture something quite so self-immolative // |
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If you could determine the authorship of the post without reading it, you would have. |
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Jacobite's Labber: Featuring a kilted Scotsman, holding aloft a set of bagpipes, two pipes of which are slightly elongated. Through these prominent pipes is passed a high voltage current such that sparks are initiated at the base to travel upward as the gap widens between the two. At the same time, for Scottish purposes, the refrain of "Awa, Whigs, Awa" is gently played by means of a piezo-electric speaker glued into the base, these objects d'art are given away free on receipt of a fully stamped card issued by the twin authority of Tenant's Super and Buckfast Abbey, stamped under the close and watchful eye of registered off-license proprietors. |
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How about a tribute lamp for that much-
overshadowed contemporary of Malcolm X, Ellie D? |
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Oops, that should of course have been ladder - I can't even
begin to figure out how I managed to misspell that so
outrageously badly - I'm not even going to change it. |
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There once was someone who owned aluminum, |
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And glass and transformers and also some, |
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When an arc generated ozone effluvium. |
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Someone who had carbon and copper,
And a clever high frequency chopper,
Took transformers and clamps,
And made his own lamps,
And the arc that they struck was a whopper. |
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