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We had the whole of HR here this week for a big old meeting. I counted 12, and the skidmarks in the lavvies were atrocious.
I mean there's only so much I can drink to jet them away. And no, there isn't a bog-brush; I have never experienced a longing for
one like this before.
I want to know who
did what, and on the principle of the polluter pays, ensure suitable action is taken.
Surely, it must be possible to invent a contraption to sample the skid and attribute to the right person?
I imagine something cunning to sample, and technology to match, a previously given DNA sample required as part of the terms and
conditions. Perhaps then some sort of sliding scale of punishment.
HR are definitely the right people to get this process bottomed out.
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// sliding scale of punishment.// |
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For HR ? Well, something mild for a first offence, like summary execution ... |
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The basic problem with Human Resources people is that
they are neither humane nor resourceful. Nor, in many
cases, people. Their job is to take people and turn them
into "human resources", much as a forest can be slashed and
burned to turn it into a "charcoal resource". |
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They should all be taken into a dark room and beaten with
large dead fish. I know someone here is in some way
related to someone who works in Human Resources, and I
do not wish to offend them, which is why I have suggested
using dead fish rather than, say, mallets. |
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One of my company's founding principles is that we will
never, ever, ever have a Human Resources department, or
anyone whose job title includes the phrase "human
resources". We might, just might, have someone looking
after "personnel", but their job title will be something like
"John who handles personnel" |
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Sounds like John is lining up for accusations of sexual harrasment ... |
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// rather than, say, mallets. // |
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Mullets aren't ideal for beating people with. Only the larger
ones have enough heft to deliver a decent thump, and they
have rather delicate flesh which will fail after a few blows. |
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Now, if you really want class, go with a large pike (the fish,
not the spikey thing). Pike are remarkably dense, with
solidly bony heads. They also have long bodies (so you can
get up a really good swing), and the point where the tail
joins the body is indented so as to provide a good grip. A
properly-wielded 3ft pike in a darkened room can be quite
remarkably effective. They're also a native species, so
you're doing your bit for conservation. |
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They would also meet [Denholm]'s requirement for a "sliding
scale of punishment". |
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//Surely, it must be possible to invent a contraption to
sample the skid and attribute to the right person?// |
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A faster simpler & less 'hands on' solution (in as much as
you'll be able to tell at a glance & won't need to take any
'samples') would be to simply insure all attending are
provided
with a libation laced with a die marker at an adequate
period of time b4 the meeting.. |
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All present for the meeting will be known by their
individual
colour of course. |
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Which has the advantage of being able
to make pronouncements like 'It was Mr Green, with a log,
in the
lavvy!'. |
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Alternatively simply lock the loo door & send memos
advising everyone to fast for 24 hours b4
the meeting, unless they bring their own loo. |
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Surely you mean dye...no hang on...HR...as you
were... |
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Actually I was thinking more of the sliding scale of
punishment,
but that works too. |
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Mr Green was definitely a reference to Reservoir Dog &
nothing at all to do with Cluedo...no hang on...Cluedo
works too. |
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Quantum Dots are the answer. Make them consume a
personalised libation and observe the lavvie-lightshow. |
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//dead fish rather than, say, mallets// I'm going to
suggest two alternatives here. The first of these is
The Catfish Of Nine Tails - a mutation that used to
be frequently deployed as an instrument of
punishment. As these are quite rare now, an
approximation can be created using a bunch of
electric eels. The offending HR miscreant should
be suspended upside down with their head
emersed in a bucket of angry bullet ants while the
eels are liberally applied. |
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Sp. "immersed" i.e. submerged. |
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"emersed" means "Relating to or characteristic of an aquatic plant reaching above the surface of the water." |
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"emersed" is therefore wrong as no water is involved. It could be argued that HR zombies are not technically vegetables, being more closely related to slime moulds or possibly lichen. Given their innate toxicity, they may actually be mineral, like crocidolite asbestos. |
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Electric eels are cold-blooded primitive creatures with tiny ganglia (not really brains as such) which administer painful shocks to their prey; their use in this case is serendiptous, although there are issues of cruelty and abuse to consider; we request assurances that the eels will not be hurt or harmed. |
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The other concern is that the treatment might not be fatal, although the idea of being able to keep an HR goon alive but screaming in agony for an indefinite period is certainly attractive. |
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Your vigilance is always appreciated and I equally
bring to your attention your own wayward words
"releated" and "argured". |
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We put those in deliberately, just for you, to bring a tiny hint of meaning to your otherwise empty and pointless existence. |
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//Electric eels are cold-blooded primitive creatures with
tiny ganglia (not really brains as such) which administer
painful shocks to their prey// |
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I wonder if electric eels have some sort of biological faraday
cage to protect their tiny minds from self-tazing. |
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Communicating skidmarks. Hmmm, sounds a bit large fishy to
me...(I know that doesn't make any sense, so no need to
write letters to the Editor. I just wanted to say howdy to
[Denholm] and that is the best I could come up with.) |
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// that is the best I could come up with // |
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May we take this opportunity to express our sincere thanks that it's not the worst you can come up with ? |
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So you're angry that they poo in the loo? Am I supposed to poo elsewhere? |
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Are bears catholics ? Does the pope shit in the woods ? |
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I don't know, does Pooh poo?? maybe we can ask Christopher,
presumably he'll know, not about the Pope of course, I doubt
he knows the Pope, even if he does it seems unlikely to be
something that's come up in idle conversation. |
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Fecal identification by gut microbiome is already a thing, so
you could use that process. |
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Yes, but you'd have to find a way of getting pure shit out if the HR creatures ... oh, wait ... |
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//does Poo poo?// Sp.: "does Pooh poo?" |
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How much poo would a pooh-poohed Pooh poo if a pooh-poohed Pooh could poo poo? |
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You'd better ask General Melchett about that .. |
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Sp. Oops! you're right [Max], corrected. |
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