Simon Cowl

New from BorgCo, this innovative product is ideal for any reality- TV obsessed moron whos dwelling has a functioning fireplace.

Stamped from heavy-gauge galvanized and welded steel, rust- and weather-proofed, and realistically coloured with baked-on glazed enamel, the Simon Cowl drops neatly onto any standard chimney pot.

When the fire is lit, the gaping mouth emits an unending stream of hot air and poisonous vapour, while swivelling in all directions depending on which way the wind's blowing.

Within the device, a system of pipes, vanes and flaps produces a highly predictable alternating whining and droning at an unpleasant loud volume. The sound can be muted by stuffing large-denomination currency notes into the mouth.

Just like the real thing ...