h a l f b a k e r y"This may be bollocks, but it's lovely bollocks."
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One thing tall persons have in common is a vast array of lumps on their head from bumping into various hazards most height-challenged people never think about. (Ironically, each lump only serves to make them taller <link>; but I digress...)
I am now pleased to present the Side Scanning (Radar/X Ray)
Hazard Detection Hat.
The circuitry in this hat automatically and continually scans 360 degrees around the head and quickly determines the nature and density of any inbound hazard. Party streamers? No problem. Helium balloons? Let not your heart be troubled. Door frame? The hat leaps into action with a wide variety of threat assessment elimination measures!
The hat will always try the least obtrusive warning first. A silent subtle nudge. If this does not immediately mitigate the threat, a quiet and tasteful alarm will sound that is user configurable for a wide range of pleasing sounds: ocean lapping on the shore; your favorite starlet whispering in your ear; the sound of a ticking clock... However, if the hat wearer continues on his path and enters the kill zone, more drastic measures must be taken: a loud klaxon horn. Strobe lights.
Finally, should the likelihood of a concussion become imminent, Taser® electrodes will quickly descend and make sure that the hat wearer avoids the hazard. On the rapid descent to the floor, air bags are deployed to protect the head. (It would be hard to miss the irony; protecting the wearers head from the initial hazard only to receive a concussion from the fall.)
The Tragic Consequences of the Unprotected Head
http://www.google.c...&ved=1t:429,r:3,s:0
[Grogster, Oct 03 2010]
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Annotation:
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You're less likely to hit something with your head if you're not wearing a hat... just saying. |
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[infidel] The thing you're more likely to hit something with,
if you're wearing a hat, is your hat, not your head. |
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[Grogster] You can keep the klaxon, if you insist, but what it
really needs is airbags. |
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Being tall and having hit my head, err... hat, many times, I can attest that it hurts about the same whether you're wearing a hat or not. I once struck my head on the end of an overhead screw conveyor housing, splitting a plastic "crash helmet" into pieces and knocking myself unconscious. Not fun. |
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The brim of the hat removes your peripheral vision in the critical area. |
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//but what it really needs is airbags// |
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[mouse], the airbags are deployed shortly after the Taser®. Is there some other airbag deployment you had in mind? |
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//hurts the same whether you're wearing a hat or not// |
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That is rather the point of wearing the Hazard Detection Hat, [inifdel]. If you're wearing it, you won't hit your head; ergo, it won't hurt. |
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//removes your peripheral vision// |
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Who says it has to have a brim? Most of the time the brim is used for nothing more than a handy thing to grab when donning or removing your hat. (One wonders what the original designers of the brim had in mind in the first place -- a sunshade? A rainstorm canopy maybe?) The Hazard Detection Hat could very well have a brim all the way around if that was deemed tasteful by the wearer; the function remains the same. |
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Perhaps now might be an excellent time to unveil all of the models available: hard hat, cowboy hat, beanie hat (with propeller), top hat, viking hat (with horns), baseball hat, hunting hat (with flaps), sombrero, forest ranger hat, fez, porkpie hat, bowler hat, chef's hat (toque), welding helmet, fedora, etc. etc. etc. Take your pick and take comfort in the fact that you will remain well protected as long as you wear your hat. (Some adjustment should, however, be made for special occasions like your wedding night...) |
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//(Some adjustment should, however, be made for
special occasions like your wedding night...)// |
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But, you covered that in your list of options, didn't
you? There's a welding helmet right there...? |
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I would suppose that depends on the bride, [Boomer]. If she was into S&M she might enjoy the Taser® deploying as your head inches closer and closer to the headboard... If you and she are "in flagrante" and closely coupled, will it give both of you an orgasmic jolt? (Note to self: try this when your hair stops smoking... nobody ever said product testing was easy.) |
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[Grogster] Oh WEDDING! I read 'welding night.' Sorry. |
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But then, you still have the Viking hat for the
wedding night, no? |
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There's many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip... |
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