Self Defeating Can Opener

Everyone knows the frustration that is a cheap can opener. The situation is common: feeling the sharp pangs of the hunger caused only by self neglect, the user rises from their inert stupor and heads to the kitchen in search of that can of discount beans which they would soon discover is impenetrable. That baked brown beanie goodness just a sheet metal's thickness away and the cutting edge of the supposed can opener dulls with its every turn. However, the user becomes deluded with false hope at the sight of metal shavings from the can opener itself and continues stubbornly at their futile task. Needless to say, many have simply starved to death, when faced with this challenge, but of course, in a purely idiomatic way.

Conversely, a Self Defeating Can Open is neither cheap or ineffectual. In fact, a Self Defeating Can Opener may be considered amongst those of the highest quality, those that are even suitable for use by arthritics and those stricken with Postindustrial Laziness. On the other hand, it can't be said, however, that using the Self Defeating Can opener is easy, for this is a can opener that makes you think you can't. With every turn of the handle it makes horrible grinding noises, announces that a can opening error has occurred, or simply calls you stupid. As the opener approaches the full circumference of the can it begins to vibrate horribly forcing the user halt their progress, and leave the lid attached, at which point it laughs the kind of laugh that says, "you're helpless without me".