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If DNA is famous for anything, it's for being helical.
The phosphate backbone of DNA carries the main charge
on
a DNA molecule, and allows DNA to be dragged along by
an
electric field.
However, since the four bases are not identical, it
follows
that all DNA molecules must have some
minuscule
asymmetry in their charge distribution, around their
axis.
Therehence, a suitably rotating and powerful
electromagnetic field ought to be able to rotate the
molecule around its long axis.
Now, a helix rotating around its long axis is a screw, and
this opens up uninnumerable possibilities. For example,
suitably aligned DNA could be screwed through a gel
rather
than simply dragged kicking and screaming by a linear
field gradient. Suitable DNA molecules could also be
used
to uncork very, very small bottles of wine.
Forensic applications are also evident. In particular, a
suitable field generator at the entrance to a building
could
be used to simply screw a burglar's DNA right out of his
feet, through the soles of his shoes and into a softwood
floor panel. When the investigation begins, a
contrarotating field will unscrew said molecules right out
of the panel and into a collection tube.
[link]
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I really wish you had said "a suitable collection tube". (Can you edit that in?) |
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We do not wish to unduly restrict the patent claims. |
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//We do not wish to unduly restrict the patent claims.//
I think you have absolutely no worries in that regard. |
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// We do not wish to unduly restrict the patent claims // |
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1. Use of the First Person Plural is our trademark, at least on the HB. To our knowledge, H.M. Q. E. the II does not yet have an account (although Jutta may correct us on this). |
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2. "unduly restrict the patent claims" |
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This from a man who screams "Prior Art" at any patent claim incorporating the words "aqueous solution" ... somewhat disingenuous, to sat the least. |
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Yes, you do. You screamed when Sturton showed you "that" picture on his cameraphone. We're not blaming you for it, far from it. |
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Then again, perhaps you have blotted the incident from your memory. It would make sense. Trauma will do that. |
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I have blotted many incidents from my memory but,
to be honest, Sturton's exploits are, at worst,
surprising in an amoral way. If you're referring to the
incident with the roller blind, the only emotion I
recall was sympathy for the iguana. |
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Nothing for the lemur? Heartless cur! |
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It's hard to feel sorry for something when you don't know
what happened to it. I mean, we searched for weeks, and
found no trace of the little bugger. Not a hair. Not even a
helix of DNA screwed neatly into the doorsill (and from
what I'm told, reconfiguring the Contrarotational DNA
Recovery Extractor to target lemur DNA was no easy task,
so
don't say we didn't try). |
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For all we know, the l'il guy got away clean. The fact that
our search never turned up Sturton's unusual tooth
collection may also correlate to the lemur's suspected
culpability in the entire affair. |
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You can prevaricate all you like [Maxwell], but once the lemur fell into the Buchanans' hands it was screwed - DNA and all. |
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I have a voice recording that sounds remarkably like
[MaxwellBuchanan]'s voice, clearly saying: |
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"Look, I'm fucking this lemur, Sturton, you're just
holding the tail out of the way." |
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Ah, [Ubie]. I hadn't realized the ears were going, as
well as the mind. The lemur was sick, and needed
both hydration and a high-protein diet. What I
actually said was "Look, I'm for keeping this lemur,
Sturton, you just go get some ale and some whey." |
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That doesn't explain the next comment on the tape,
after the aforementioned "imaginary" screaming: |
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"Ow, shit! The nasty little bugger just clawed a hole
in my scrotum. Shoot the fucking thing, Sturton. If I
can't kill it after I've screwed it then I'll happily kill it
during." |
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Why wasn't any of this in the case file? The Institute's
consultation policies are very clear: if we are called on to
provide expertise or specialized assistance under any
circumstances, our people rely upon full disclosure in order
to complete the assignment to the best of their abilities.
MaxCo. could be facing a serious breach-of-contract issue
here! |
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// the next comment on the tape// |
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Ah, I see what's happened here. Let me guess -
the surveillance guy you hired was about five-ten,
five-eleven? Slightly portly? Rather shortsighted
in his left ear? Went by the name of "Hugh Janus"?
Yes, it's all coming back now, isn't it, [Ubie]? |
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I only hope you paid the Intercalary (a.k.a. Hugh
Janus, a.k.a. Joanna Coffey, a.k.a. Lars Släv, a.k.a.
Mbwana Matika, former minister for oil of Shaqir)
well, because I shall be sure to pummel the cash
out of him when next we meet. |
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// sounds remarkably like [MaxwellBuchanan]'s voice // |
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Yes, that's the Twin's doing, no doubt of it. He does have a certain talent for mimicry. Sadly, it doesn't extend so far as being able to mimic a normal human being in any meaningful way. |
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The Intercalary has honed his skills in the field.
He has a remarkable ability to mimic almost any
creatures, to the extent that he can attract
animals searching for mates, or predators in
search of prey. He has been recruited (and even,
surprisingly, paid; technically this equates to
funding terrorism, but that's another matter) by
several wildlife documentary
makers, both for attracting animals toward the
cameras and for dubbing. |
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This ability nearly cost him his life when, whilst
doing some research in Pukapuka, he was rudely
awoken one night by seventeen female
leatherback turtles trying to mate with his
sleeping-bagged form. It should be noted that a
gravid female loggerhead can weigh over half a
ton, and is quite enthusiastic. |
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Of course, if he'd only asked Sturton or myself, we
could have told him that he talks in his sleep. We
probably wouldn't have, but we could have. |
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Now I remember why I refuse to hire staff. |
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Don't feel bad, [Ubie]. He's even fooled smart
people. |
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There's a long bridge between clever and smart,
[Max]. |
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Surely, if you put a reverse charge on this device it would work as levitation device? |
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Handy for getting things from high shelves, or replacing light bulbs. |
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Well it's official... we're all screwed. |
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//There's a long bridge between clever and smart,
[Max].// There certainly is, [Ubie]. Have you
considered buying a boat? |
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I've no desire to return to your dismal, grey land of
idiots and anarchists, [Max]. You may believe you're
clever and it may be the case but the smart ones got
out of Britain and have no intention of returning. |
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//...but the smart ones got out of Britain and have no intention of returning. |
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Hang on, I'm out of Britain too, so that does tend to disprove that idea. |
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But anyway, most people presumably left the sacred isles due to fear that their descendants would have started the long slide in amphibianhood-ness and eventual Dagon worship. Didn't happen, but we did get "Britain's Got Talent" on tv, which is roughly as diabolical. |
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//the smart ones got out of Britain// - I suppose they may have been smart at the time they got out of Britain... |
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//the smart ones got out of Britain // |
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We know. As I have mentioned before, Britain
bemoans the loss of so many great culturalists,
writers, scientists and other noble figures to
Australia, and we gaze in awe at the sophistication
of your land. |
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More, please, [Max]. The ferrous metal content of your annotation could be the basis of a whole new industry. |
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Come now, [8th], I would never stoop to irony in
conversations with my esteemed colleague [Ubie]. |
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Just think of all the great English scientists who
have been lost to the nation, and have instead
made their greatest discoveries in the Antipodean
Elysium. |
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Think, for example, of Earnest Rutherford. Ah,
hang on - apparently he was a New Zealander and
came _to_ England. Bad example. |
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OK, think, for example, of, ah, think for example
of all the others. |
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