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Woodpigeons have the highly annoying habit of perching on chimney pots and going "Woo-Coo, Woo-Coo" for hours on end. They also crap down the flue and bird lime bespatters the hearth.
But no more; with the wave of any major credit card, you can be the delighted owner of the new BorgCo Chimney Climbing
Robotic Anti-Pigeon Gun.
When you hear that annoying noise echoing onto your living room, simply turn on the unit and using the telescopic lifter provided, offer it up into the flue until the legs and tracks grip the sides, at which point, powered by its onboard rechargeable battery, it will very quietly climb up to just below the pot where it will secure itself.
By running the provided software on your PC or smartphone, you will then get a chimneysweep's-eye-view of the sky through the onboard colour high resolution camera. If it's dark, the system will activate its IR LED illuminators, and you'll just have to be satisfied with a monochrome image.
In your display window, you will see a set of crosshairs. Simply drag the crosshairs onto the target (headshots are best) and tap the SHOOT key. The CO2-powered .22 airgun will fire, hopefully ending the life of the pigeon, or at the very least giving it a severe shock it won't want to experience again.
Within seconds, the electrically-powered autoloader will have transferred another round from the magazine (20 rounds capacity) and you're ready for another target ....
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You missed out the part where you train the pigeon
to sit still during this procedure. |
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No, that's why you employ a second assistant under-chef, shirley ? |
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Don't be ridiculous. The under-chef line is not
involved in sauce making. |
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Take deep breaths, stay calm. |
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Check that a flagon of Single Malt is within reach. |
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There are some unfortunates that can't afford separate kitchen staff for making sweet and savoury sauces; they have to share. |
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Sorry you had to hear it like that; there's no easy way of breaking that sort of bad news. |
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Remember, deep breaths ... try not to panic ... |
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You're delusional, [8th]. Or thinking of the Welsh. |
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And sorry, but we're not delusional. Sick as it may seem, this actually happens. |
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Perhaps you could get one of you Chamberlains to speak to an ordinary person on your behalf ? Of course you'd have to have them killed afterwards, so best to choose a chamberlain you don't like much. |
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I know plenty of ordinary people - some of them are
my best friends. Why, just the other day I realized
that the gentleman I was talking to didn't even have
a county he could call his own. But despite that, he
was a jolly decent sort. |
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Oh, and we don't have chamberlains any more - that
is so passé. We use a service. |
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//you will then get a chimneysweep's-eye-view of the sky // |
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//I was talking to didn't even have a county he could call his own.// |
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He can have the county of Avon, no one's living there now. |
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Don't feel too bad about not having chamberlains of
your own, [Max]. It would appear [8th] is still
clinging to fond delusions of empire. |
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I have recently learned that he used once to be a
country, in and of himself, but has recently had to
auction off the O, R and Y to make ends meet, poor
chap. |
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//he used once to be a country, // |
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He can be the Soviet Union then, let's see some imagination here. |
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And the USSR still has its own domain suffix .su |
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USSR to the Caucasus: 'You will be assimilated.' |
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Here in the ever-resourceful Americas we've engineered horizontal shields that prevent the direct downfall of rainwater, pigeon poo and other undesireables from falling down the flue into our gruel, since, at least the mid 1800's. |
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Come to think of it, this does rather explain 18th and 19th century British cuisine... |
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//18th and 19th century British cuisine..// |
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There is no possible explanation for those or Angel Delight. |
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The reason Angel Delight seems so incomprehensible
to modern diners is that they fail to appreciate that
it was sold as a topping for Vesta curries. |
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The dead pigeon will fall down into the chimney, requiring the use of a Robotic Chimney-Climbing Pigeon-Removal Robot, available at minor cost from Squeak Industries. |
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The dead pigeon will fall down into the chimney, requiring the use of a casserole, a small pinch of salt, maybe a couple of onions, [bigsleep]'s port wine sauce ... |
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Can't have port wine sauce unless you have a second
assistant under-chef (sous chef) or a saucier with the
requisite sauce-making skills. |
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Why am I getting a sudden hankering for Ratatoullie? |
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