Repressional

It has come to light that many ministers of religion, usually but not invariably Catholics, have a penchant for paedophillia.

Clearly, this is a major problem for churches, who suffer serious adverse publicity, and have to pay large amounts of compensation to victims.

But a solution is available. Looking like a standard confessional, the Repressional is an effectively enclosed and soundproof booth in which priests can interfere with vulnerable little kids to their heart's content (and other bit s of their body too) without fear of observation.

The interior is decorated with vivid, terrifying and graphic images of Hell, and appropriate Biblical texts; the perpetrator ("he/she tempted me") can be left listening to an audio track which threatens them with eternal punishment if they tell anyone about what they imagine happened.

Comes complete with high-level cover up. Rosaries not included.

De Luxe version is surmounted by life-size animatronic effigies of Horatio Nelson and Vincent van Gogh. The heads are remotely controlled from Diocesan HQ, thus allowing the Bishop and his assistants to turn a blind eye and/or a deaf ear, as appropriate.