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It is said that, in a city, one is never more than ten feet
from a rat. (Or,as they say in Paris, "On n'est jamais plus
q'un metre d'un rat.")
However, it is also true that one is never more than two
feet from an advertisement, be it a hoarding, the back
of
a bus ticket, or one of those
stencilled pigeons they have
in
Manchester.
This constant barrage of garish advertising is as
oppressive
as it is unrelenting. The pressure to buy slowly crushes
the
soul, for one can never have bought quite as much as the
advertisers wish to sell, nor attain quite the degree of
happiness which the product clearly gives to the people
in
the adverts.
Constant barrage of garish advertising woes begone!
MaxiComm., Inc., is now acting on behalf of Rentisham's
Traditional Flenting Wax, and will be handling their
advertising campaign.
Vast acreages of promotional space have been acquired,
and will soon be bearing eye-soothingly subtle and quiet
advertisements. The launch campaign theme is in the
style
of black-on-sepia Victorian engravings, featuring
mutton-
chop-bearing gentlemen and bustle-wearing ladies
sipping
cups of tea in convivial but calm surroundings. Whatever
woes and troubles may beset these serene people, it is
clear that Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax has
assuaged their anguish and ensured a contented and
well-
balanced life.
Smaller advertising spaces (such as bus-tickets) simply
bear
the product name, lovingly calligraphed in India ink on a
sage-green background.
Of course, Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax is not
available in high-street stores.
Nor is it available online (how vulgar).
Nor at selected retail outlets.
No. Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax is not actually
available anywhere. This, coupled with the fact that it
has
no clear purpose, relieves the consumers of any pressure
to
purchase this product. They can simply rest their
troubled
eyes on the calming, unhurried, low-key advertisements,
happy in the belief that good old Rentisham's is solving
some unknown problem for well-adjusted people,
somewhere.
In the absence of predicted sales revenues, funding for
the
Rentisham's campaign is being provided by
philanthropists
who wish to make the urban environment a calmer and
happier place.
Over time, however, the Rentisham's advertisements will
become so familiar and universal that major advertising
firms will vie for the privilege of winning the Flenting
Wax
contract. These contracts will be awarded very, very
selectively. Only the most tasteful, no-key sales pitches
will be considered; the quality and subtlety of the
graphic
design will be the only criterion by which advertisers are
chosen to represent Rentisham's. Only one marketing
company will be awarded the Rentisham's contract over
any five year period.
The kudos associated with winning the Rentisham's
contract will be so great that MaxiComm, Inc. has no
hesitation in asking the ad agency to fund their
campaign
themselves, including the purchasing of advertising
space.
In the small and incestuous world of marketing, winning
the Rentisham's contract will be seen as a seal of
approval,
guaranteeing success and revenue from other, more
consumer-oriented campaigns.
http://en.wikipedia.../wiki/Neatsfoot_oil
Neatsfoot oil is a yellow oil rendered and purified from the shin bones and feet (but not the hooves) of cattle [Voice, Oct 01 2011]
The Framely Examiner
http://www.framley.com/
Rentisham's adverts are the very lifeblood of such publications [8th of 7, Oct 01 2011]
Image of the product itself.
http://i923.photobu...kery/Untitled-1.jpg
Shown next to the Ark Royal, for scale. [MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 02 2011]
Flent's Earwax Stoppies
http://www.earplugs...iyqsCFUSW7QodnHiL7g
stock prices skyrocketing due to confusion with the Rentisham's marketing blitz [swimswim, Oct 02 2011]
Naval Traditions
http://theorem.ca/~mcole/Churchill.html
"Don't talk to me about naval tradition", said Sir Winston Churchill ... [8th of 7, Oct 02 2011]
(?) load of tripe
http://www.blog49.o...s/2011/09/Tripe.jpg
for reference [Voice, Oct 03 2011]
(?) But what is a Flent?
http://www.urbandic...fine.php?term=Flent
Fat kid that nobody likes... [goff, Oct 03 2011]
(??) "Actual Size" stickers
http://store.xkcd.c...#ActualSizeStickers
I will subversively creep around at nightfall, sticking "Actual Size" stickers on these advertisements [hippo, Oct 06 2011]
(??) Rentisham photo
http://www.crazyfun...oads/Untitled-6.jpg
.........taxidermical (if I can say that) [not_morrison_rm, Oct 07 2011]
(?) Searching for a Waxes in Montacute
http://www.smartsee...Waxes-Montacute.htm
from SmartSeek [sqeaketh the wheel, Jul 31 2012]
(?) Rentisham's Traditional Website
http://www.rentishams.co.uk/
[MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 31 2012]
Jenks's Vegetable Compound
http://www.kingssing.de/song/910
A similar cure-all [csea, Jan 05 2013]
Lily the Pink
http://en.wikipedia...the_Pink_%28song%29
Purveyor of superior quality nostrums. [DrBob, Jan 05 2013]
That "smile" you make reading old Max posts.
https://images.app....l/H3pnMYhA5BEypgKw5
[doctorremulac3, Jan 22 2021]
Max's vision
https://www.dropbox...mn&st=sgaffbdv&dl=0
[doctorremulac3, Nov 08 2024]
[link]
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I must crack this cypher... |
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I just witnessed a ravenous mob of consumers
stampedeing through the shops on Main St, chanting,
"where can we buy Rentisham's? Where can we buy
Rentisham's?". This looks like it could get dangerous. |
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Sadly, Rentisham's is inexplicably out of stock.
However, MaxiComm can supply a range of golf
umbrellas subtly embroidered with the famous
"Rentisham's Bassett" motif. |
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Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark." |
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Keep Calm, and Carry Rentishams. |
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"As rubbed on the Crowned Heads of Europe". |
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"Well I don't want Fop, godammit! I'm a Rentisham's
man!" |
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I'm pretty certain that there have been advertising campaigns for imaginary products before, but for market research purposes, not as a sustained piece of consumerist subversion. |
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Imagine my surprise and horror to read this just as I am preparing to commence my monthly flenting. |
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As a traditionalist, I have always extracted my own flenting wax in the time honoured fashion, using my grandfather's hand whittled gacker and bucket. |
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The kind of irresponsible slovenliess encouraged by the promotion of pre-packaged flenting wax is intolerable. |
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Rest assured I shall be informing the proper authorities and there will be questions in the house. |
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There, you see? [Twizz] now feels the warm glow of
righteous indignation, and the healthy
cardiovascular effects of a briefly elevated pulse, all
from the comfort of the arm-chair. |
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Rentisham's is probably one of the most universally
beneficial products never to have been sold. |
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"Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax" is both fun to read and say but I would question the wisdom of fighting advertising with more advertising. It's that sort of approach that can get you chucked out the fire brigade. |
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I never knew the fire brigade took adverts. Do they offer custom siren noises? Corporate branding of the engine livery (only available to companies with red logos)? |
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// custom siren noises? // |
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Now there's an untapped market niche if ever we saw one ... |
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At least it's "Traditional". Nothing worse than when Marketing insist on a "New, Improved Formulation!" and completely ruin a long-standing favourite. |
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The advertisements must of course be in sepia tones, with occasional splashes of pastel colours, and should depict ladies and gentlemen in Victorian or Edwardian grab pursuing healthy and socially acceptable outdoor pursuits; cycling, lawn tennis, croquet, fox hunting, running an oppressive and exploitative regime in far-away hot countries ... |
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Ladies cycling??? I really don't think _that_ kind of
image would be at all suitable. |
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//Edwardian grab//
That, too, can get you chucked out of the Fire Brigade. |
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What else would you expect from a Brog? |
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Hey, if you haven't tried the Edwardian grab, you're really missing out. |
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And no, it doesn't get you chucked out of the Fire Brigade; in fact, it can make you new friends ... |
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I walked the length of the airport
and all the posters were blank, crisp brown paper.
At the gate, the last one said in
tiny letters: |
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A more refined flenting wax. |
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A relaxed smile, because I know
there is nothing to buy. That's a
Rentisham airport! |
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Just to check, the correct pronounciation is "Renshms" isn't it? Wouldn't do to get caught out in an Englishman-in-Milngavie manner, would it? |
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Actually, the correct pronunciation is more like
"Rashams." |
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No, really, it's quite alright. We find that the
number of pronounced syllables is inversely
proportional to the calibre of the speaker. Thus, a
certain personage whose name I cannot mention
pronounces it simply as "Rahms" (rhymes with
Brahms); the better sort of person usually says
"Ren'ms"; stockbrokers and their ilk generally
pronounce it as "Rashams", whilst their tailors are
apt to go for the whole kit and kaboodle and say
"Rentishams". |
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Well that seals it. If stockbrockers (who are no better than well dressed conmen) use this new fangled, pre-packaged product, I will not be associated with it. |
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How odd; our fag at public school, The Hon. Montacute fforbes-Cholmondeley-Psmith (with a silent "J") always used to pronounce it "Pilnn-Thurdsby". |
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Oh how we used to laugh, before we rubbed boot-blacking on his face and then beat him senseless with the fire-irons. |
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All this time I was pronouncing it like "worcesteshire"
but starting with an "r". |
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It's an easy mistake to make; consider the problems and confusion arising from the placenames, "Rocester", "Rochester", "Cirencester", "Silchester" and "Piddletrenthhide", all of which are correctly pronounced "Hrrrshnntnl", except for Piddletrenthhide, where the "P" is silent, as in Bath. |
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Not that the English language is made deliberately difficult for foreigners, you understand. |
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Ptake no notice of [8th]. |
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Memory fades, but wasn't there a Will Hay film in which the pronounciation of such place names was made the subject of much hilarity...
[rummages the internet]
Aha! I have it! 'The Goose Steps Out'!
Also, just to impress calum, Milguy! |
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Re pronounciation: I read once that the best way to do a Southern Hemisphere English accent is to rotate your vowels a bit (e.g. A->E, E->I, I->O and so on and so forth, though the rotation will vary across Oz, Kiwi, or Saith Ifrikian "accents"). All well and good but the trick to doing a Scottish accent - and this is the trick that almost everyone attempting a Scottish accent doesn't employ - is to realise that Scottish vowels exist in the gaps between the clearly demarked RP vowel sounds of the Queen's English. So, Milngavie isn't actually pronounced Milguy, it's pronounced something like
M (I-U transition vowel*) lg (U-I transition vowel*) y. |
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Except of course that ls and ws are also oft twisted together in Central Belt English, so it's actually
M (I-U transition vowel*) (w-l compound consonant) g (U-I transition vowel*) y. |
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Hope that's cleared it up for yiz. |
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* these are not the same. Oh no. |
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What if you're from the posh bit of Milngavie ? |
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I'm pretty sure there isn't one. |
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We dare you to go there and find out. |
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No point. If I go there, _then_ there'll be a posh bit. |
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Well, I'm not going there. |
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This is a family website, afterall. |
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At first I thought it said "Flentling Wax", and was
about to register protest against a product
manufactured from the helpless young of the
endangered Flent. How relieved I was to find out I
had been mistaken. |
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You're not taking this seriously, [ytk]. I can tell. |
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So, an advertising agency would pay for the privilege
of open space in which to crowd out their own
adverts... I'm not certain how long it would last. |
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I'm pretty sure that the agency that wins the
contract will find a way to juggle the numbers to
make it profitable. For one thing, they can use
the Rentisham's advertisements to crowd out
their _competitors'_ adverts. |
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Moreover, they will be able to charge their other
clients even more. ("We'd love to take on your
campaign, but we're heavily committed to the
Rentisham's push at the moment, and we'd need
to renegotiate our contract with you if you want
us to take yours on. Of course, you could go to
one of the agencies that Rentisham's turned
down, if you think that's the right thing for your
product..."). |
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In advertising, winning the contract is infinitely
more important than the nitty-gritty of the
balance sheet. |
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[ytk], it's far more important that we focus the public's attention on the cruel practices used to produce neatsfoot oil. |
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Perpetually hanging from those harnesses, only touching their feet to the table periodically to pump the oil out through those cruel cuts constantly reopened by automated machinery, it's the worst possible means to obtain leather care product. |
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I know a worse one, if anyone's interested. |
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5 minutes of googling found no reference to any method of getting neatsfoot oil except from already slaughtered animals. [Max] I really would not like to hear about bear bile. |
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[voice], it's not something the neatsfoot producers want widely known. Try googling neat - they're not cute animals, so it's hard to get public support for ending the practice. |
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// I really would not like to hear about bear
bile.// |
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No, I was thinking of beeswax. I don't know if you
can imagine what it's like to have some clumsy
animal, several thousand times larger than you,
probing your ears relentlessly with a cotton bud
three times a day. Deafness is not an uncommon
result, and if the operative happens to have had
an
espresso that morning, then serious brain trauma
is
only a tremor away. |
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I have personally visited the Rentisham factory,
and I can vouch for the fact that no animals are
harmed, or even mildly alarmed, in the production
of their Traditional Flenting Wax. |
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“Rentisham” being a proper name, its pronounciation is a moot point, varying with class and education. |
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But what about “flenting”? |
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"Flenting" is pronounced to rhyme with "Flenting". |
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Some people are thrown by the fact that the silent
"p" is not written. |
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So the word is of Welsh origin, then? |
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Steady on. There may be members of the fairer sex
reading this page. |
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<elongated pause while [The Alterother] tries to figure out
how the word 'fair' applies to anyone or anything Welsh> |
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Probably because of the ambergris content. |
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See? It all boils down to the French! What have I been
saying all along? The French! Rotten snail-sucking
consonant-dropping bastards... |
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You see, the French have never had a flenting wax
and, indeed, have never flented (despite what
they will tell you about Agincourt). Some say it's
because of their preference for long lunch-breaks;
others hold that it's a national character
engendered by their obsession with eating small
songbirds. |
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But, whatever the cause, there can be no doubt
that the lack of a product such as Rentisham's is
correlated intimately with their lack of moral
fortitude and, well, to be frank, their utter and
congenital Frenchness. There's not much you can
do with that sort of person. |
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It is said that Rentisham's products are tested on the
French. Do we not at least owe them gratitude for
this? |
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No more gratitude than we owe the petri dish for its role
in developing penecillin. |
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// There's not much you can do with that sort of person // |
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Well, you can at least burn them at the stake ... |
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[bigsl], I think you're confusing him with the Irish
lint-weaver, Frank O'Fobe. |
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Can't wait to see where Charles Stross takes this one. It is quite possible that a brand about nothing becomes better than a brand about something. In fact ,it is the logical conclusion to this malaise. People love brands, but suffer in continuing their devotion (read sacrifice) to it. A suitably austere brand (no-one really subscribes to exclusivity anyway) may suffice. |
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For some reason this product makes me think of the
British crown. |
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If memory serves, flenting was originally invented by
the Chinese during the Zhou Dynasty, so the claim of
the myriad of Chinese knockoffs springing up as being
'much more traditional than Flentisham's' is in some
respect, ironically true. |
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To be honest, I have no idea what flenting is, nor do I
currently have the inclination to look it up or have it
explained to me. I'm having far too much fun participating*
in this discussion without knowing what it's about. |
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*by which I mean 'circling the edges and delivering the odd
kick here and there'. |
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(from 'Prehistory of the Art' : The Journal of Elective Plastic Surgery, July 1983)
"It's a little known fact that the so-called "grapefruit knife", along with the useless little blade on the pocketknife, were originally flenting devices; this of course precedes wax-based methods (as well as the thankfully short-lived 'cryogenic' and 'Tesla' methods)." |
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"Rentisham's owes its longevity, not only to a successful banner campaign, but to the choice of effective local anaesthetics and soothing balms in the mixture, as well as the well-known pleasant fragrance... and a good wallop of a mild hallucinogen if you must know"
- (Lord Rentisham IV, overheard in an aside to the Duke of Codswallop at the National Flounder's Day Steeplechase in 1917) |
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Augh! Now you've ruined it for me! |
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{Considers making little advertising hoardings/placardsfor rats. Corporate rats - CorpoRats, if you will.} |
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//flenting was originally invented by the Chinese
during the Zhou Dynasty// |
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Ah. I'm afraid that's one of those popular
misconceptions, and it's quite understandable
that you've fallen prey to it. |
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The confusion arises because there are actually
two distinct meanings of "flenting", which have
completely independent etymologies - a case of
linguistic convergent evolution, like "INvalid" and
"inVALid". |
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The Chinese, about the time of the Zhou dynasty
(as you noted) developed an ingenious way of
curling over the lip of a pot or vase as it was being
thrown (in a pottering sense, of course). The
Chinese term for this was "Yujinxiang kou zhuan"
(lit. "tulip mouth turn"). Several centuries later,
during a brief period of openness in Chinese
society, Delft potters saw this technique being
used, and took the knack back to Holland. |
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As you can probably see, it was inevitable that
"Yujinxiang kou zhuan" would become simplified
and mis-transcribed as "fallenteer" in Dutch. The
word was passed on to English potters, and
bastardized further to become "flenting" (whence
such expressions as "He's not so much as a flented
pot to piss in" and Shakespeare's "Yet nature's
potter cast me unflented from my mother's
womb" in Richard III; "unflented" in this case
meaning ill-formed or unfinished.) |
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Meanwhile, of course, the _other_ flenting had
been in use for perhaps two hundred years but,
because the act of flenting originated with
seafarers and milliners, the two different
meanings of "flenting" did not encounter
eachother, and simply co-existed in their
respective usage groups. |
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It wasn't until the 1880's (can you believe that?)
that flenting (in the familiar sense, rather than
the pot-making sense) became more commonly
practiced. It seems amazing that an activity that
Englishmen consider so essential could have been
known only to mariners for so long, but there it is. |
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Now, the plot thickens further when, in the early
1900s, flenting (in the modern, non-pot-making
sense) was introduced to China by Western
merchants. Of course, it immediately became
popular there too, which is when the Chinese first
started to make their own flenting wax - first for
domestic use, but then to meet the demands of
other (mostly European) countries. |
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Although China is, today, by far the largest
producer of flenting wax, anyone who has used it
will testify that it is far, far inferior to the original
Rentisham's. Its consistency is highly variable,
and
really only suited to a warm climate, yet even
under those conditions it lacks the staying power
of the real McCoy. You will, perhaps, recall that
Robert Falcon Scott, on his 'Terra Nova'
expedition, had taken Chinese flenting wax rather
than Rentisham's, and in one of his diary entries
he curses himself for making this decision.
Historians agree that this error made a small, but
significant contribution to the disaster that befell
him and his men. |
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So, remember - follow the Rentisham basset!
Rentisham's - the only, the original, the
dependable - the best. |
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That may be a new record for the longest double-post in
HB history. Sadly, it falls short of the record for the biggest
load of tripe. |
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MB, as you've demonstrated, there is no such thing
as 'history,' however, there are 'histories.' It is of
course probable contact of the mariners and their
extended contacts with pirates, distant merchants,
and by extension, tracing back to the Chinese again
from whence the seafarers and milliners picked up
the habit. |
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//can you believe that?// No. |
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Hmm. Is a trick being missed here ? |
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There seems to be a valuable market for bear bile. |
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If what's required is a supply of a bitter, toxic substance extracted from a large, hairy aggressive creature with huge yellow teeth, extremely limited intelligence, and little red piggy eyes set too close together, why not just squeeze [TheAlterother]'s annotations down in a sort of wine-press (whine press ?) contraption and collect the resulting ichor ? |
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// in one of his diary entries he curses himself for making this decision // |
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To be fair, no flenting wax is going to perform properly at those temperatures; even the special fully synthetic "waxes" (if you can call them that) developed by the Russians for their space programme have been far from successful. And don't forget that Scott was a Captain in the Royal Navy, and therefore very much a Traditionalist <link> when it came to flenting. No doubt if he had stretched his principles far enough to use the latest Hornspoon and Muckdrugget's Patent ""Prince Francis Albert Augustus Charles Emmanuel of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha (26 August 1819 – 14 December 1861)" - brand equipment, then disaster might have been averted; but then again, if he could have stretched his principles that far then of course he wouldn't have needed flenting wax, even at sub-zero temperatures. |
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//no flenting wax is going to perform properly at
those temperatures// Sir, according to our
comprehensive customer records, neither you nor
any member of your collective has ever purchased
Rentisham's Traditional. I must therefore,
respectfully, ask that you either substantiate or
retract your assertation. |
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Very well. We can do no better than quote Roald Amundsen himself, who wrote, "Seier venter den, som har alt i orden - held kalder man det.
Nederlag er en absolutt følge for den, som har forsømt at ta de nødvendige forholdsregler i tide - uheld kaldes det", and he clearly knew what he was talking about as he made it to the Pole first, and back safely. |
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We consider the case proven. |
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Whilst I greatly admired "Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory", I do not see how your quote has any
bearing on the situation. In any event, as a
foreigner he would not have had access to
Rentisham's, and would therefore hardly be in a
position to comment on it. |
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Au contraire; like his fellow Norwegians, Amundsen was a user of the traditional Scandinavian method, and invariably used the classic blend of cod liver oil, rendered seal blubber, matured herring and windberry-juice, which remains liquid down to the very low temperatures experienced above the arctic circle. This no doubt accounted for the success of his expedition, and also the utterly disgusting odour that even a century later still lingers in those parts of the Arctic and Antarctic he visited. Indeed, there is compelling scientific evidence that the almost total loss of olfactory function in the modern polar bear population is a direct result of Amundsen's careless re-stoppering of his flask of "Flientingol" resulting in several drops dribbling out onto the pack ice. |
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As a subscriber to the Transactions of the Royal Geographical Society, he would have followed with acute interest the impassioned debate between the "oilers" and the "waxers", and apparently contributed an number of well-informed letters on the subject; sadly, the they never reached the RGS as the writing materials stank so appallingly that the Norwegian Postal Service was obliged to dump them in the sea beyond the Three Mile Limit to avoid contravening the Geneva Convention on Chemical Weapons. |
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It is notable that in Norway the special cast steel post boxes, manufactured as a featureless cylinder entirely lacking an aperture for letters to be inserted are still known as "Amundsens". |
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/As a subscriber to the Transactions of the Royal
Geographical Society, he would have followed
with acute
interest the impassioned debate between the
"oilers" and
the "waxers"/ |
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There was no debate, unless you consider the
moronic
grunting of a few troglodytic Scandinavians to rise
to the
level of "debate". Oil is not, and has never been,
considered suitable for use by any serious flenter. |
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During WWII, the bulk of the flenting wax supply
was
diverted to support the war effort (you may recall
the
famous propaganda poster encouraging
conservation
—"Throwing out that used flenting wax? Danke
schön!").
So-called "flenting oil" was introduced as a
substitute, but
it proved largely unsatisfactory. Not only was the
smell
revolting, but as the bulk of it had to be imported
the
cost was prohibitively high. As a result, most
Britons gave
up on the practice of flenting altogether,
resigning
themselves to the fact that the loss of this
distinctively
British activity was just one of the many sacrifices
they
would be called upon to make for King and
country. |
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For nearly a decade, flenting was essentially an
unknown
practice in the British Isles, with most of the
manufacturing facilities—including the original
Rentisham's factory in Coventry—having been
destroyed
or severely damaged during the bombing raids. It
wasn't
until the late 1940s that flenting wax was even
available
to the general public. Even then the demand for
it was
virtually nonexistent, Britons having learned to do
without for so long. The entire industry teetered
on the
brink of collapse for several years, until flenting
experienced a sudden resurgence in popularity
following
rumours that Prince Philip had been spotted on
several
occasions with a tin of flenting wax. Shortly
thereafter,
Rentisham's received a Royal Warrant—an honour
which
they have maintained to this day—and the
practice of
flenting once again secured its rightful place as a
part of
the cultural fabric of the United Kingdom (except
Wales,
of course). |
|
| |
I'm beginning to wonder whether most, if not all, of the content in the idea and its accompanying annos hasn't just been made up on the spot. The existence of 'Flenting', 'Norwegians', 'space programme' etc, all seem highly unlikely to me.
//rotate your vowels a bit //
I did try that, Mr c, but my trousers fell down. |
|
| |
[ytk] has summarized a troubling period in English
history very nicely. The only point I might add is
that the preservation of flenting skills through and
immediately after the war was in no small part
due to the efforts of the late Guy 'Boffo'
Rentisham himself, as well as to the Worshipful
Guild of Gosseters (who, naturally had a special
interest in ensuring that flenting was not
forgotten). |
|
| |
If anyone is interested, a blue plaque in
Gutteridge Street commemorates the role of the
Gosseters in preserving this and many other
cultural traditions through the war. |
|
| |
It has been noted in journals elsewhere that the usage of Flenting Wax, in the Western sense, is waning, precluding the need for waxing, by very definition. Indeed anyone so interested and wishing to adopt a genuine interest in flenting should consider the Traditional Japanese craftworks involving prodigious employment of waning flux (the particular choice being dependent on school) which, when used in harmony with hand-pounded flax-based fluxing fixatives (for their improved flexibility) eventually facilitated the development of what we now know *today* as the full range of flenting waxes (from course 20-fluxion flenting waxes through to superfine polishing waning fluxes of grades 6000-fluxions and above) but which in a very technical sense should strictly be described in these historical terms. I take no issue with the simplifications introduced here to help inform the general public, but we should try not to forget the underlying complexity of what, sadly, is a dying art. |
|
| |
A dying art, maybe; a living science, certainly. |
|
| |
// all seem highly unlikely to me // |
|
| |
Ah, you spotted the anomaly; yes, although there is substantial anecdotal evidence, the actual scientific proof of the existence of Norwegians is still sadly lacking. |
|
| |
Cotton works just fine as a flenting flux. Flax flux leaves flocks of flecks; one might as well not flent at all as flent with flaxen flux. |
|
| |
Supplies were short in the War, Rentishams having temporarily converted their factory to producing aircraft flares. The common red flare cartridge came to be known as a "Renti Reeker" for the fragrance it wafted downwind, Rentishams having converted their existing stock of wax. There are still shells that bear the warning "Not For Flenting" on the casing. |
|
| |
You should visit the Rentisham's museum some
time. They have a flenting tundrell which has been
folded almost in half by an explosion, for precisely
the reason you indicated. |
|
| |
Have you ever read the memoirs of Lawrence of Arabia? He mentions that the nomadic camel riders preferred to keep their rifles free of pucca flenting wax and rubbed it into their faces and hands instead to ease the wind chapping. |
|
| |
No, that was Lawrence of Moravia. |
|
| |
Given the Urban Dictionary definition of "Flent", I'm
now slightly concerned as to what Flenting Wax
would be used for, but it seems likely to be the very
zenith of English Public school sport... |
|
| |
The definition you found (a short annoying kid) has
actually been resurrected - it was first used in
Victorian times. It originates from the flenting
tundrell, which is similar in shape to a beer keg, but
shorter and squatter and with one concave side. It
originally referred to a kid with rickets, which was
very common in English cities. |
|
| |
It is rumored that Theodore Geisel was a frequent user of flenting wax. |
|
| |
I still don't know what 'flenting' is, but I'm beginning to like
it. |
|
| |
It's similar to kemming, but far more rewarding. |
|
| |
Don't tell me these things. I already have too many
hobbies. |
|
| |
This only needs one more bun, or one less bone; and then we can all sit down and have a good flent in celebration. (Hopefully the gathering will involve complimentary packets of Rentisham's...) |
|
| |
Done. Make with the flenting! |
|
| |
Gentlemen, gentlewomen, on behalf of Rentishams,
I thank you one and all. I can't wait to tell Boffo - he
will be most pleased, even though this is the
Internet. |
|
| |
/I can't wait to tell Boffo/ |
|
| |
/the late Guy 'Boffo' Rentisham/ |
|
| |
Admittedly, his perpetual lateness is a nuisance, but
he always has a good excuse. |
|
| |
Death is no match for a Rentisham's man. |
|
| |
In Santiago, Chile, the Hotel Carrera (no longer a
hotel) is a very fine example of an old-world
Flenting
Wax emporium. I have samples of beautiful hand-
printed wallpaper
from the refit of
this wonderful old emporium. (Yes, you guessed it:
careless oilers started the 1956 fire
which destroyed the ground-floor furnishings!) On
the backing
sheets
you
will find the following text: |
|
| |
"Impreso en 1957 por los caballeros
en el establecimiento Rentisham." |
|
| |
Which leads me to believe that the famous
trade name became something of an 'emblem of
quality' for gentlemen manufacturers with
discerning tastes around the world. I doubt that
Rentisham's ever produced or licensed such a
wallpaper themselves. |
|
| |
Guy Rentisham's grandfather, Gunthrey*, used to
own Santiago, so there's a likely connection. |
|
| |
(*He was rather the black sheep of the family; if you
know about the Lord Lucan affair, you'll understand
why.) |
|
| |
That explains why the crest around which that text
appears has an extra fleur-de-lis in the mantling. I'd
been awake nights wondering about that. |
|
| |
Good old G.D.R. must've been having a not-so-subtle
dig at the whole family with that change to the
crest. |
|
| |
Reading this feels like I've fallen into Radio 4. |
|
| |
"... and after the News, The Archers ..." |
|
| |
Run ! Run ! Save yourselves ! |
|
| |
//Good old G.D.R. must've been having a not-so-
subtle dig at the whole family // |
|
| |
I'm sure it didn't go unnoticed. "Dinky" Rentisham
was never one for subtlety. Or indeed propriety,
legality, piety, veracity or sobriety. In fact, the
whole ty thing was a bit of a closed book to him. |
|
| |
It's just struck me that Re'sham's Flenting Wax is
probably used prodigiously in the vicinity of
Mornington Crescent... |
|
| |
And of course it's quite impossible to play Wobbling Bunnies
without flenting wax. They tried, just once, in rehearsal, but
Samantha complained and Colin Sell has never been the same
since. Mind you, he wasn't the same before, either. |
|
| |
//Gunthrey*, used to own Santiago//
Apparently the German kreigsmarine came up with a jolly wheeze to undercut the British flenting trade in South America by exporting large quantities of their artificial (& highly volatile) flenting oil to Uruguay during the Second World War.
This led to the famous incident when the pocket battleship Graf Spee was sunk off Montevideo harbour.
The Uruguayan authorities, were caught somewhat on the hop when the German vessel arrived not only with a full load of flenting oil, but also with British ships in close pursuit. Rather than be caught red-handed, the harbour authorities decided to hide behind their neutrality, refused to unload the oil and required the ship to quit the harbour.
This left Langsdorf, the captain of the German vessel, with something of a problem. He was due to nip off and raid a few merchant ships after delivering the oil but this was impossible with all the extra weight onboard. It was a dilemma that he still hadn't resolved when he left the harbour as required. Once clear of Montevideo however, he had time to ponder and it was whilst he was pacing the decks and trying to make up his mind what to do that a cigarette, carelessly discarded (or some say deliberately thrown) into the cargo hold full of flenting oil, resolved the problem for him. |
|
| |
...from which the Germans get the still-used saying: "Flentet, wie der Kapitän der Graf Spee", which roughly translates as "Up Shit Creek without a paddle". |
|
| |
//what's required is a supply of a bitter, toxic substance extracted from a large, hairy aggressive creature with huge yellow teeth, extremely limited intelligence, and little red piggy eyes set too close together//
Didn't he marry Zara Phillips? |
|
| |
[DrBob] I'm not entirely sure that all of that
information has been declassified yet. However,
after all this time, I doubt it can do any real harm. |
|
| |
In a touching reunion (oddly enough, on Réunion)
some time after the War, Langsdorf met the
Uraguay harbour-pilot who had been escorting him
out of the harbour at the time of the incident. |
|
| |
Even after all those years, the harbour-pilot's
eyebrows had not grown back. Still, neither had
Langsdorf's leg. |
|
| |
Runs a taxidermy shop in Hamburg now,
apparently. (Lanfgsdorf, that is, not his leg.) |
|
| |
// Didn't he marry Zara Phillips? // |
|
| |
No, that was the Reverend Neil Gardner. He married her to Mike Tindall, and by an amazing coincidence, on the same day he married Mike Tindall to Zara Phillips. |
|
| |
// large, hairy aggressive creature with huge yellow teeth. extremely limited intelligence, and little red piggy eyes set too close together // |
|
| |
Besides, Mike Tindall's bald ... |
|
| |
Besides Mike Tindall's bald what? |
|
| |
Eagles. A reknowned conservationist of his era, Tindall was
most famous for his collection of stuffed American Bald
Eagles, many of which he trapped himself using the
traditional Iriquois trebuchet-net. |
|
| |
Didn't that originate as a derivative of the lacrosse stick? |
|
| |
Other way around. (Can you imagine something as
strange as lacrosse being invented in any other way?) |
|
| |
It is a little known fact that lacrosse was invented on the
spot as a ploy to befuddle the Paleface Invaders. A fact
uncovered by none other than Prudence Rentisham-
Smythe, amateur anthropologist and long-lost heir to the
Rentisham fortune. Small world, eh? |
|
| |
I can imagine three things stranger than that before breakfast - but then again, I have been training for years. |
|
| |
No cheating; imagining yourself doesn't count as one of the
three, even though you are most decidedly strange. |
|
| |
oh dear, an idea I don't understand will overtake panic pin before I vote ... |
|
| |
//long-lost heir// but not sole long-lost heir. In
fact, most of the heirs to the Rentisham fortune are
long-lost. Apart from Moltegarde Rentisham. He's
only short-lost, but the Rentishams are a patient
lot. |
|
| |
Alas, poor Prudence spent her entire life waiting in vain to
inherit a fortune that rightfully belonged to others. But, on
the bright side, at least she had her flenting to keep her
occupied. |
|
| |
//They tried, just once, in rehearsal, but Samantha
complained and Colin Sell has never been the same
since.// Rehearsal? Wait, what? |
|
| |
I think I found a photo or the original Rentisham, under his stage name of Professor Copperthwaite used to indulge a secret passion for implausible taxidermy...see link |
|
| |
But... don't you just have an app for this nowadays? |
|
| |
//I walked the length of the airport and all the posters were blank, crisp brown paper. At the gate, the last one said in tiny letters: A more refined flenting wax.// |
|
| |
That's brilliant! You should go into advertising. Assuming of course, you aren't already there. |
|
| |
Good to see the venerable Prof Buchanan is still hitting the mark. |
|
| |
Just because something's venerable doesn't
guarantee it gets veneered. |
|
| |
Veneer is what you're gonna get if I ever catch that #@$!
teleporting deer. I'm gonna veneer that sucker halfway
across the county. |
|
| |
You're troubled by a deer that teleports non-
alphanumeric characters? Sheesh. |
|
| |
Scoff if you will, [Max], but deer-teleported non-
alphanumeric characters are the leading cause of
motorcycle accidents during the months of April, May,
and
January on state highways and rural routes
posted 45 mph or higher. |
|
| |
This is surely a matter of national concern.
Fortunately, it's another nation. |
|
| |
You just wait until they figure out transoceanic
teleportation. Them ruminants is crafty. Master flenters,
too, which just makes it worse. |
|
| |
If my laptop didn't resemble a f**ked thing at the moment, I'd be very tempted to knock up an ad for "Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax - for the finest glimming." |
|
| |
If you're tempted to pitch for the Rentisham's
advertising contract, we're looking at an eight-figure
annual sum. Can you afford that sort of money? |
|
| |
If you can, think carefully, [wags] - for that sort of money you can buy a complete EU nation state, with lots of nice ancient buildings and Mediterranean climate. |
|
| |
Obviously, when you buy a Classic like that, it's going to have a few faults ... you're going to have to replace some major components, and do a lot of work, before it can go back on the road. |
|
| |
"Is flenting killing off our elderly? Those adds with their soothing slogans and Victorian era art may detract attention from hidden dangers. In our Live at 5 exclusive, we'll also take a look at exactly what goes into flenting wax. Are your children getting high on it right now? And what about Hollywood starlet Candy Trollop who admited to flenting as many as 9 or 10 times a day, sometimes with multiple partners? (Cut to busty sex kitten cooing:
"I can flent all day if I've got enough wax") We'll try to track Rentisham himself down to answer these and other hard hitting questions. |
|
| |
It's a Live at 5 expose you can't afford to miss." |
|
| |
[wagster] (hello there!) is indubitably tucking in just as investment-bait. 'Course, he hasn't read the fine print, 'cause Rentisham's with fine print isn't Rentisham's. |
|
| |
[doctor], you are lowering the tone of what is, by
the lax standards of the Internet, a respectable Web
Site. |
|
| |
Moreover, you are misfettling the name of
Rentisham's, something along with which I cannot
go. |
|
| |
I should warn you, sir, that Sir Guy is known for his
marksmanship with the crossbow. |
|
| |
One doesn't use marksmanship with the crossbow. Ones enemies peasants use them. |
|
| |
Well, you tell Lord Rentisham that our news team has pictures of him using his product in a way that some might find distasteful. |
|
| |
Ok, agreed. I've taken a cute idea down an ugly back alley. |
|
| |
I would hesitate to bring such an accusation to his
lordship's attention and for that, sir, you may count
your lucky stars. |
|
| |
You're not bloody Dutch, are you? |
|
| |
I bid you good day sir! I say GOOD DAY! |
|
| |
//Pssst! He's actually Welsh....// |
|
| |
There, but for the grace of god, goes god. He must
feel wretched. |
|
| |
Why? Is that like being from New Jersey or
something? |
|
| |
Just to clarify, [Third Remulac PhD], in a 'bakery context, abusive references to the Welsh are probably an unchivalrous attempt to troll [po]. She rarely rises to it being, paradoxically, above it. |
|
| |
However, note the Borg Exception, which is powered by Major General Misanthropy, not necessarily modern, nor model. |
|
| |
//There, but for the grace of god, goes god.// |
|
| |
spit tea on myself. Thanks for that. |
|
| |
I take no offense at allegations of Welshosity. I'm
American, we leave our heritage at the door when
we come over here. Besides, technically I descend
from the Wallace
clan that lived in Scotland or India or something.
It was my ancestors who gave their lives to break
free from English rule. |
|
| |
Since that didn't work out too well we said "fuck
it" and moved to America. |
|
| |
But if somebody would say "All Scotsmen are a
bunch of kilt wearing, drunk sheep buggerers" I'd
say "Kilt wearing? Watch that pal." |
|
| |
// we leave our heritage at the door when we come over here // |
|
| |
Along with a few other things, it would seem. |
|
| |
// It was my ancestors who gave their lives to break free from English rule. // |
|
| |
To the dismay of all succeeding generations, they unfortunately managed to reproduce before indulging in an orgy of pointless self-immolation. |
|
| |
// "fuck it" and moved to America // |
|
| |
So that's where the phrase comes from. |
|
| |
// All Scotsmen are a bunch of kilt wearing, drunk sheep buggerers" // |
|
| |
A grossly inappropriate and inaccurate generalisation. Many Sots, sorry Scots, may indeed have an enthusiastic relationship with alcohol, and an equally enthusiastic (if rather different) relationship with domestic and domesticated animals. However, this is not necessarily volitional, but merely arises from the difficulty of discriminating between an Edinburgh* girl and a sheep after consuming eleventeen pints of "Heavy" in under three hours. |
|
| |
*Note that it is more often than not challenging to discriminate between a Glasgow girl and a sheep even when perfectly sober and in good light. |
|
| |
// I'd say "Kilt wearing? Watch that pal. // |
|
| |
That's right. The majority of Scotchmen (and women) (and sheep) are far more likely to wear trousers, plastic bags, or nothing at all, depending on the time of year and their current state of intoxication. |
|
| |
Mental Note: Must Visit Scotland |
|
| |
I'm sure that, sooner or later, you'll be visiting it in a
professional capacity. |
|
| |
//Mental Note: Must Visit Scotland// |
|
| |
One of the most beautiful places on Earth as are many parts of the UK. |
|
| |
And don't let these posts put you off. People are very friendly over there. I'm guessing even 8th would be a fun guy to knock back a couple of brews with. |
|
| |
// I'm guessing even 8th would be a fun guy to knock back
a couple of brews with. // |
|
| |
I plan to. It's a point of professional pride for me to meet
all of my arch-nemeses in person. |
|
| |
That's strangely familiar ... hmmm. |
|
| |
So what are you at the moment, the Good twin or the Evil twin ? |
|
| |
Very difficult to tell... |
|
| |
We know, we know ... wretched, isn't it ? |
|
| |
Though it pains me to feed your (collective) ego further,
you're actually my _only_ arch-nemesis at the moment, at
least until I figure out who taught all these damn deer how
to... |
|
| |
Do you really think that we would employ a method that might risk damage to a motorcycle ? Please .... |
|
| |
Explosives under your front porch, yes. Unreasonably large projectile weapons (like the 88mm FlAK 18) used as an anti-personnel weapon, yes. 10-Megaton fusion weapons, yes. |
|
| |
No, your're looking for someone even darker and more twisted than even we are. |
|
| |
[po], are you listening ? |
|
| |
(She's welsh, you know. Can't trust 'em. It's the civilisation envy that does it). |
|
| |
Girded by enemies on both fronts... I feel a bit like the
famed American Revolutionary Major-General-Major
Thomas Girdleman on the eve of the Battle of Cape Cod in
May of 1759.... |
|
| |
You do? Well, we'll see if we can find him for you. |
|
| |
More like von Schlieffen. You can't really fit two
fronts on Cape Cod, and anyway, it's now known that
the Revolutionary forces were commanded by
his aide de camp, Henry Maidenform, as Girdleman
had a severe case of dysentary at the time. |
|
| |
You're just making that up. Von Schleiffen wasn't a real
person. |
|
| |
Von Schleiffen is enough for anyvon. |
|
| |
//Von Schleiffen wasn't a real person// The Hell
she wasn't! |
|
| |
Freifrau Augusta zu Polterkeist von Schleiffen was
made, by decree of King Wilhelm, legally a man,
to prevent her father's estates passing to the
Polish branch of the family, who were subjects of
the Austrian Emperor. She took this more
seriously than anyone had expected, and
petitioned Emperor (as he by then was) Wilhelm
for the officer's commision which was her
birthright, as a Junker's son. She became a captain
of amphibious
cavalry, but could not rise as a field commander
because her subordinates resented taking orders
from someone who was, but for a legal fiction, a
woman. |
|
| |
Her superiors used her for solo reconnaissance
missions, which she performed with distinction.
Von Moltke took a personal interest (widely, and
unjustly misinterpreted at the time), and saw her
diverted into cartography, thence into staff work,
and finally, to the logistics section of the General
Staff, where she became an expert on railway
timetables. In 1875, the French attempted to
retake Alsace and Lorraine. Her work ensured that
German troops crossed the border before the
French had even finished mobilizing. |
|
| |
Before most, she realized that Germany would
sooner or later have to fight a two-front war, and
began work on her masterpiece. She devised a
sweeping counter-clockwise encirclement via
England (in flagrant violation of British neutrality)
which would strike the French in the rear, at the
Normandy beaches, defeating them before the
Russians could mobilize, and then continuing the
movement eastward via railway, to confront the
Russians at the Oder. With her usual attention to
detail, she even allowed for troop attrition due to
vertigo, induced by the rapid circular movement. |
|
| |
The plan was put into action at the outbreak of
the Great War, in 1914. Tragically, von Schlieffen's
successors lacked her vision and assumed that, in
"Let the last man on the left brush the Channel
with his sleeve," "left" was a typo for "right." Even
so, her plan nearly worked, and she is rightly
known as "The Prussian Clausewitz." |
|
| |
I fail to see the similarity between that preposterous
flippigloria and the very serious plight of Corporal-Captain
Henry H. Maidenform, who in 1597 at the Battle of Cape
Cod very nearly pulled defeat from the jaws of victory
when he ordered Ethan Allen Rentisham's 'Mean Mountain
Boys' (so named for the appearance lent to the crack
guerilla warfare regiment by a preponderance of prominent
brows,
rather than any unusually enthusiastic propensity for
pugillation) to stand a bayonet wall against the Royal
Indian Fusilieers' elephant-cavalry charge. |
|
| |
[21], you're holding the scroll upside-down, and
furthermore, you
wouldn't know a musk ox if one bit you in the
Vøërnschlüågïndræng. |
|
| |
He didn't say "hold it upside down", he said "hold it, upside down". Those aren't musk oxen, they're the primordial bearskin hats (and matching luggage). |
|
| |
// custom siren noises? // Yay, ice cream. |
|
| |
//The Prussian Clausewitz// {sniggers} |
|
| |
// Those aren't musk oxen, they're the primordial bearskin
hats (and matching luggage) // |
|
| |
Precisely correct, O Great Lord of Airborne Kitchen
Appliances. The Coldstream Guards were
indeed present at the Battle of Cape Cod (May 1957),
although they did not take place in the fighting, as they
had just come ashore and had yet to marshal their ranks--
thus the luggage. The scrolls were very accurate in
recording this detail. If you look closely at the lower right
quadrant of the seventh scroll (just beside the coffee-mug
ring), you can make out what appears to be a pair of Early
American tourists trying to make one of them laugh. |
|
| |
How ? By showing him a copy of the draft U.S. constitution ? |
|
| |
Very funny, but as you know, the rough draft of the
Constitution was not drawn up until 1975, whereupon it
was immediately ammended into oblivion by journalists,
privacy advocates, and bear breeders. |
|
| |
We have always wondered where that "Right To Arm Bears" clause came from. |
|
| |
And now we know. Seems the National Enquirer was right after all. |
|
| |
I thought it was one of those masonic hangovers, bare your right arm. |
|
| |
No, it's "Give a Bear your right arm, and he'll have food for an hour, and then he'll be hungry again and eat the rest of you. Give a Bear someone else's right arm, and he'll not only have food for a day, but you may be able to escape." |
|
| |
A bit wordy as proverbs go, but useful advice if you encounter a bear. |
|
| |
I thought the saying was "Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day, set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life". |
|
| |
Give a man a fish, and watch him try to find an
aquarium in thirty seconds. |
|
| |
Give a man melange, and he'll slowly turn into a fish... |
|
| |
Give a fish a man, and just see if he ain't hooked. |
|
| |
Over here in the Antipodes, the only example of Rentishams is a small, half-used tin, left behind by a seaman during the early colonial days.
Several attempts were made to reproduce the contents, which all failed. Some spectacularly, such as Johnson & Co, the site of which is now an inner-city pond (may as well find a use for the crater, right?).
Due to lack of knowledge and supply, the very concept of 'flenting' is largely unknown in these parts, but with the resurgence of the Rentishams advertising campaign, it may make a comeback. The members of the local 'upper class' (both of them) will undoubtedly be the first, but the rest of the unwashed hoards are unlikely to understand the need for a good flenting wax (assuming, of course, that Rentishams will allow export to at least the rest of the Commonwealth...). |
|
| |
I'll have a word with Boffo, but I suspect he'll have a
conniptic fit if I suggest extending the campaign,
and the product availability, to Australia. |
|
| |
Apparently, he had an 'experience' there back in the
50's involving Uluru, a local bicycle repair
middleman, and some sort of seed pods. He says
he's never been the same since although, to be fair,
he wasn't the same before. |
|
| |
//conniptic fit// May I respectfully suggest he try a
Chinese Tizzy instead? The change might do him
good. |
|
| |
Best not to mention the Chinese either. 1962,
Guandong, wholesale pencil-sharpener supplier. |
|
| |
May we enquire if the Rentisham's Christmas Gift Set will be on offer again this year ? |
|
| |
Naturally. However, it is expected to be in short
supply*, so buy early. This year's Gift Set features a
small bronze replica of the Rentisham Basset
dressed up as a reindeer. Frankly I think it's a little
crass, but it is the festive season. |
|
| |
*actually, very short supply. In fact, a quick survey
reveals that nobody has actually seen it in shops
yet. But it's almost certainly available somewhere. |
|
| |
Alterorder Inc. has acquired a modest supply, but they will
not be available for resale, as the folks down at the
Heathen Institute for Inadvisably Applied Science are
exploring their use as an alternative energy source. The
Institute has exploded twice since the project's inception,
which I am told is very promising. |
|
| |
(To repeat a post I posted elsewhere) I was shopping the other day for a little device that holds tooth floss in a Y-shaped armature for easier flossing, while allowing continuous dispensing (between flossings) of more floss. I found and purchased such a device at the local store, and firmly on the package was the word (unexplained): "Flent." The word was just floating there in the upper left hand corner of the packaging. As an American not privy to inner Former Empire workings, I feel I am getting closer to solving this mystery. |
|
| |
The full solution to your query can really only be
told to, or appreciated by, someone who can
trace their English ancestors back as far as
Ethrafall the Unrepentant. |
|
| |
Was "flent" some sort of brand name? If so, it
may originate from one of several companies who
once flourished in England, with "Flenting" in their
title (such as "Margulies Flenting and Poulting,
Ltd.", late of Birmingham). Some of these
companies tried to establish ventures in the
colonies, but found that the climate and
temperament of the colonists made their original
business untenable. Several of them therefore
adapted and entered other domains of trade,
often retaining some reference to "flenting" in the
company name. From time to time, their new
products would be known simply by the company
name and, in the confusing turmoil which is
American English, derivatives of "flenting" would
become generic terms for a type of product. Thus,
the fold-back clips used for binding some
accountancy documents are known as "flents" in
the south- western United States, for example. A
similar etymology may explain your "flents". |
|
| |
(This process also happened in reverse, of
course; a vacuum cleaner is known in England as a
"hoover", from the name of an abortive
manufacturing business established here by one of
your very own statesmen, I believe.) |
|
| |
And why do you say "former"? |
|
| |
Ah - I have found by rigorous research (at Amazon.com) that Flents is a brand name, as you surmised. They also make: Flents Optico Nose Pads - Coffee Color; Flents Contour Ear Plugs; Flents Finger Sleeves Assorted Sizes; Flents Pressure Reducing Ear Plugs; Flents Elastic Eyeglass Holder for Active People; Flents Dental Disclosing Tablets; Flents Ear Stopples Soft Wax Cotton Ear Plugs; Flents Eye Patch Regular One Size Fits All; Flents Glass Eye Cup; as well as Flents Vaginal Suppository Applicators. (As a famous American once said, I am not making this up!) |
|
| |
And I say Former to show solidarity between one Former Empire (British) and another more recently formed but now crumbling soon-to-be Former Empire (American). |
|
| |
//The word was just floating there in the upper
left hand corner of the packaging.// |
|
| |
Now that is what my step-aunt Agatha would have
called "fucking weird". Perhaps it is a coded
message, intended to exhort ex-pat Englishmen
not to neglect their traditional duties? |
|
| |
Incidentally, you may be pleased to hear that the
Rentisham's Bassett, Bounder*, has just had
puppies. |
|
| |
*full name: Belvedere Bounder Forthright of
Standing Water III. |
|
| |
I, too, have been quite amused to open a package of ear
plugs to find a handy little single-pair carrying case
proudly emlazoned "FLENTS." |
|
| |
The Good Fairy Jenny suggests that it may be a ploy to
ruin the good name of Rentisham's by subliminally
associating their product with pocket lint. |
|
| |
Rest assured that the full might of Rentisham's legal
team will get behind this. We expect him back from
lunch any day now. |
|
| |
//We expect him back from lunch any day now.// |
|
| |
What on Earth is a Frenchman doing in the employ of
Rentisham's?! Does Boffo know about this? |
|
| |
//Does Boffo know about this?// |
|
| |
It _is_ Boffo. There's a lot of multitasking at
Rentisham's. |
|
| |
This is the Hotel California of ideas. I must have read it 20 times by now. |
|
| |
I often visit here just to sit on the concourse and play my
bee-and-jam banjo. |
|
| |
//This is the Hotel California of ideas.// |
|
| |
Can someone with more awareness of modern
culture tell me if that's a good thing? |
|
| |
I believe the pertinent lyric is "you can check out anytime
you like, but you can never leave." |
|
| |
But no, I can't say whether or not the comparison is
complimentary. It is somewhat chronologically malfeasant,
since Rentisham's outdates the Eagles by several centuries. |
|
| |
//since Rentisham's outdates the Eagles by several
centuries.// |
|
| |
Ah, but please don't think Rentisham's is fuddy-
duddy. Boffo himself insists that the company
keeps its finger on the pulse of youth culture, and
he is well acquainted with hip-hip, jive, skiffle, re-
bop, shed, and wrap. |
|
| |
We even once gave the
Rentisham Basset a piercing (well, in the
photogravures anyway) to get down with the kids.
This proved to be a mistake, since sales
plummetted in that sector of our market with
good enough eyesight to spot the piercing. Our
customer demographic median age did dip below
70 for a while, though. |
|
| |
//Can someone with more awareness of modern culture tell me if that's a good thing?//
Its a very good thing. Hotel California has the distinction of being cheesy, but beloved and never tiring for those who love it (me included). A few weeks ago I went to a wedding in So. Cal. at a mansion (I was reverse slumming it), and while the hired help was setting up the dining tables (on the tennis court next to the Disney-style garden with fake rocks and all), what song did they play over the sound system? You guessed it. |
|
| |
Summed up in a nutshell, sqeak. Ideas on here seem to fall into certain patterns - some go 'phut' quietly, others get more fishheads or crumbs because they get more commentary and ideas like this one stay around because they're halfbaked in the purest sense. |
|
| |
// the distinction of being cheesy, but beloved// |
|
| |
Ah - in that case, I doff my cap (or, at the very least,
I shall have one of the men doff their cap) to
[Phrontistry]. |
|
| |
Could I be so bold as to extend a casual enquiry as to
the role of Rentisham's in the ongoing Olympic
thingy? As one of Britain's more established
companies, One would expect Rentisham's were
consulted extensively concerning the flenting needs
of visiting dignitaries. Also, is there any truth in the
rumour? The one about there being a Rentisham's
logo on the hoof-ward face of each and every one of
Zara Phillips's horse-shoes? |
|
| |
Well, if it's true, it would have to be hoofward, wouldn't
it? To put it face down, leaving a visible imprint of the
logo in every hoofprint, would be crass and commercial. |
|
| |
//enquiry as to the role of Rentisham's in the
ongoing Olympic thingy// |
|
| |
Modesty forbids me giving details. However, I can
only comment that (a) due to the presence of
some natural but pharmaceutically active
compounds in all flenting waxes, Rentishams has
devised a modified (though still superb)
formulation for use by English athletes, to avoid
any suggestion of drug use. (b) although most
people have deduced that it was not the real
queen skydiving into the stadium, they may not
have realized that the 'corgis' were, in fact, not
real corgis - those dogs are far too uncontrollable.
Their parts were played by none other than
Bounder, the Rentisham's basset; motion capture
technology was used to digitally create the
'corgis'. (c) the workers who were depicted in the
recreation of the Industrial Revolution were in
fact staff who were made available from our
packaging, distribution and fire-testing
department. |
|
| |
Rentishams was offered a prominent product
placement opportunity, but naturally they
declined. I cannot therefore comment on the
rumour concerning Zara's horse's shoes. However,
those of you who appreciate tattoos might care to
take a close look at inner surface of Bradley
Wiggins' right earlobe. |
|
| |
It 'behooves' me to mention that I heard a rumour that the Industrialist played by Kenneth Branagh in the Olympic opening made his fortune by importing the raw ingredients of said "wax" into the UK where it was processed by peasants in the cottage industries into the final product enjoyed only by the wealthy. Shame. |
|
| |
Every industry has its black sheep of a different
kettle. Margulies Flenting and Poulting, Ltd.
(long since defunct) introduced what can only be
called an inferior and derivative precursor of
modern flenting wax, and they did so in an era
where values differed from those to which we are
accustomed. |
|
| |
I can report the Rentishams was, in fact, in the
vanguard of improvements to workers' pay and
conditions. For example, they had one of the first
"works canteens", where staff could buy a healthy
lunch for a nominal sum; this was at a time when
the typical working man was sent off to work with
nothing but a bread sandwich and a bottle of
cheap beer. |
|
| |
Rentishams was also one of the first companies to
introduce paid holidays for its workers. When the
workforce was at its largest, there was even a
"Rentishamlins" - a seaside holiday resort available
only to Rentisham's workers and their families.
The idea was later duplicated, with wider success,
by Messrs. Butlin and Pontin. |
|
| |
A logo? How common. Rentisham's carries a coat of
arms, or, for less formal occasions, a seal (they
originally tried a walrus, but he tended to frighten
poor Bounder into incontinence). |
|
| |
when I say 'logo' I am, of course, allowing modern
vernacular to taint the description. There would
simply be the word: 'Rentisham's'. In a soothing font. |
|
| |
I expect the Coat of Arms is a subtle reference to
many of the armed conflicts that Rentisham's have
been instrumental in bringing about over-arching
not-loosing. |
|
| |
You may be correct in that supposition. Rentisham's has
certainly played a crucial role in many wars and conflicts
over the centuries. Although their work barely scratches
the surface of this fascinating topic, [The Alterother] and
various cronies have investigated the influence of the
world's premiere brand of flenting wax and flenting
paraphernalia on the American Revolution, the Bolshevik
Revolution, and, of course, World War Two. |
|
| |
//Rentisham's logo// Rentisham's does have a
logo (which, as most of the senior management
had
a classical education, is pronounced "loggo"). It
consists of a capital "R", in a very pale sepia, with
the profile of the Rentisham bassett emerging
from the hole in the "R", also in very pale sepia,
on a very pale sepia background. The whole is
embraced by a wreath of wormwood. The logo has
been trademarked, and the trademark covers all
sizes of the logo up to a total height of 3/32nds of
an inch; this largest size is used on some of our
more eye-catching billboard advertisements. |
|
| |
The Coat of Arms is that of the Rentisham family:
upon the Royal helm the crown of Scotland
Proper, thereon a bassett rampant affronté Gules
armed and langued purpure, Royally crowned
Proper holding in his dexter paw a sextant and in
his sinister a flenting iron, both Proper. |
|
| |
As you can see from the foregoing description, the
Coat makes only indirect references to the role
which Rentisham's has played in various
campaigns. For a fuller history, I would
recommend the excellent "Sine Qua Non: A Brief
History of Rentisham's" by Guy Rentisham and
Michael Rentisham-Ffoulkes (Casterville Press,
1955), particularly volume 11. |
|
| |
is it true that RTFW (known informally by the troops as 'RTFB' or 'Read the flenting box' was used to write secret messages during the Great Game, messages which could only be read by holding the parchment over a candle flame? |
|
| |
// secret messages... which could only be read by
holding the parchment over a candle flame?// |
|
| |
In a way, yes. Lemon juice or sugar solution had
long been used in this way, but the Hun soon got
wise to this. The troops then took to using
flenting wax instead, knowing that their messages
would be intercepted. As you may know, flenting
wax is quite remarkably and abruptly flammable,
and Tommy drew some satisfaction from knowing
that the poor German guard would just have time
to read "I hope your bloody wurst drops off, Fritz"
or "God save the Queen" before the flashpoint was
reached. A message written in a large typeface
could easily cause second-degree burns. |
|
| |
(Oddly, the first person known to have played this
prank was an airman of Scots descent, known as
"Second Degree Burns".) |
|
| |
Would that be Queen Edward or Queen George? |
|
| |
Ah indeed - I see that my morning absinthe has
clouded my memory. |
|
| |
Getting absinthe-minded, MB? |
|
| |
The 'Fritz-Burns incident', as it is now known to historians,
wouldn't have had anything to do with the mislabelling of
the so-called 'Grade B', would it, [Max]? |
|
| |
On a Tip from [ytk], the Googly thing returned an interesting web page <link>. I quote:
|
|
| |
Montacute Waxes -
So your searching for a Waxes in Montacute ? Well thankfully we have found the right Waxes for you listed below. It's difficult these days to locate a excellent Waxes in Montacute but hopefully one of these companies will be able to help you. When you contact them, make sure you let them know that you found them on SmartSeek.
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Waxing in Taunton – Mobile Waxing Services In Your Home In ...
Wax therapies will be ... Stoke-Sub-Hamdon, Montacute, Merriott, Hinton St, George, Crewkerne, Ilminster, Chard, Wellington, Dulverton, Watchet, Minehead. Waxing Taunton
|
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Montagues of Great Britian - Montague Millennium Home Page
X. WILLIAM MONTACUTE eldest surviving son of William lord Montague (No. IX.), was made a ... gown of black cloth with a red hood; also, that there should be nine wax lights ...
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Halfbakery: Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax - recent 3
MaxiComm., Inc., is now acting on behalf of Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax ... How odd; our fag at public school, The Hon. Montacute fforbes-Cholmondeley-Psmith (with ...
|
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Brazilian Wax In Taunton | Salon Offers & Reviews
The Brazilian bikini wax is probably the most well-known bikini wax - and one of ... Montacute: TA15; Somerton: TA11; South Petherton: TA13; Stoke-sub-hamdon: TA14
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William Montacute 2nd Earl of Salisbury, Lord of the Isles of Man ...
History of William Montacute 2nd Earl of Salisbury, Lord of the Isles of Man and Wight ... gown of black cloth with a red hood and also, that there should be nine wax ...
|
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Car waxing London - Cylex Business Directory UK
It offers services such as waxing therapy, massage therapy, nail therapy, body ... F 1 VALETING 54 MONTACUTE ROAD, SE6 4XJ LONDON |
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I can't see Rentisham's being associated with a 'Grade
B' anything. I believe the saying 'round the factory is
that 'second-rate flenting wax makes first-rate
rubbish' provided it's not too warm and there are no
naked flames about, being in an enclosed space is
never pleasant when large amounts of flenting wax
become explosively dephlogisticated. |
|
| |
The Montacutes have been trying to compete with
Rentisham's for generations. It's said to see so much family
money wasted on a fruitless endeavor. |
|
| |
//anything to do with the mislabelling of the so-
called 'Grade B', would it, [Max]?// |
|
| |
//I can't see Rentisham's being associated with a
'Grade B' anything.// |
|
| |
During the latter part of WWI, and again during
WWII, the Ministry of Provisions put out Section 34
requests to Rentishams, requesting that large
quantities of flenting wax be made available. The
fear was that the cavalry (in WWI) or night-fighter
pilots (in WWII) could be effectively taken out of
combat if supplies were not on hand. The Section
34s also requested (as was usual) that the material
be "of a lower yet still serviceable grade, and
supplied at cost under the Act." The respective
Ministers had calculated that "at cost" should
mean no more than one shilling per pound (in
1916), or three shillings per pound (in 1940) which,
as you can imagine, would barely cover the cost of
the fining and silting process. |
|
| |
In 1916, Stopes (who was Guy's father at the time)
became practically apoplectic when he received
the Section 34. He determined that he would
never produce an ounce of anything "of a lower
yet still serviceable grade" and, instead, simply
had most of the factory's regular output stamped
with "Grade B". He then delivered this, on time
and under budget, to the Ministry of Provisions,
and absorbed substantial losses. |
|
| |
In 1940, Guy did very much the same thing. This
time the losses were even greater (due mainly to
the high costs of carnauba and of neatsfoot oil),
but the Company had sufficient capital to weather
the storm. |
|
| |
Oddly enough, Guy still meets veterans who tell
him how they wouldn't be here today were it not
for the Rentisham's Grade B which, they invariably
say, "was very nearly as good as the regular stuff."
If only they knew. |
|
| |
//The Montacutes// If you should ever bump into
Boffo in the Thrush and Snail (and you are unlikely
to bump into him elsewhere), and if you are
feeling like a bit of a jape, buy him a beer and
then mention the name Danforth Montacute. The
resulting muscle spasm has been known to propel
a pint of Old Indigestible right across the saloon
bar, often still surrounded by the glass. |
|
| |
// pint of Old Indigestible // |
|
| |
Oh no, he's not back on that stuff is he ? We had heard he had been weaned off O.I. onto a rather less damaging concoction based on denatured alcohol, AVGAS, and cheap bleach. |
|
| |
Admittedly the DNA tests were fairly convincing, within the limits of experimental error, but are you quite sure he's human ? |
|
| |
Also, the next time we stay, will you keep him away from the gunroom ? It's not the weapons we worry about, but we only bring a limited supply of cleaning compounds,and imbibing that mixture of gun oil, nitro solvent and Brasso at that time in the morning (and in those quantities) can't be doing his ... err ... Lower Bowel Condition ... any good. Candlelit dinner parties are very civilised, except when all but one of the attendees is looking nervously at the naked flames and wondering what will happen the next time he has one of his "little emissions". |
|
| |
I am happy to report that Boffo is not only human,
but alive, well, and enjoying the festive season. He
has asked me to draw your attention to the newly-
launched Rentisham's interweb site, and I have
furnished a link to expedite this. |
|
| |
Wow! (I thought it would look more like a chocolate bar or a movie ticket than a bucket, but I guess I should have realized...) |
|
| |
Boffo is a great fan of the Halfbakery*, and asks me
to
wish all Halfbakers a Merry Happy and a Christmas
New Year. |
|
| |
(*which reminds me - I must print and bind an
updated copy for him.) |
|
| |
LOLOL ...making my face hurt from the grin. |
|
| |
It's only baked when you're holding a tin of
Rentisham's in your hand. |
|
| |
I will mention the T-shirts to Boffo, though I think
he'll only agree if they're tasteful. |
|
| |
That would seem to indicate that there is no news.
Which is good news. |
|
| |
A gentleman of my education should not have taken
so long to spot that.... |
|
| |
Yes, but there are so few gentlemen of your
education. |
|
| |
//I couldn't find the Rentishams T-Shirt product.// |
|
| |
Through the miracle of Electric Weaving, such a
product is now available via the "Accessories" page
of the Rentisham's site. |
|
| |
Boffo also thanks (but will probably not, of course,
reimburse) [zen_tom] for his most excellent motto. |
|
| |
Sadly, negotiations between Cafepress and Boffo
have recently broken down when it became
apparent that they produce bespoke baseball caps
but are unable to furnish custom embroidered spats. |
|
| |
It would also appear that they don't do 7" tablet
cases, alas. |
|
| |
As I mentioned, Boffo is a great fan. |
|
| |
//Perhaps some networks or browsers don't allow
access to UK websites?// It's possible that Boffo has
had the Rentisham's IT Department block access
from overseas. |
|
| |
What is this "overseas" of which you Hu-mons speak ? Your
words are strange to us … |
|
| |
So, you're saying that there's no sea in ocean …? |
|
| |
It's really very simple. England is what is known as
"here"; everything else* is "overseas". It's much the
same as the way that anything but English is a
foreign language. |
|
| |
(*for example, Vancouver, Malaya, Gliese 581g etc.) |
|
| |
There's a distributor in Wales? There's a lost cause if
there ever was one. I've never met a Welshman who
would know a burler from a poulting mallet. |
|
| |
They use it on the sheep, apparently. |
|
| |
I wanna comment on something so I can see the new
year...okay...there we go. |
|
| |
Ordered a tin of the wax from the website. The label on the received can said it was made of the essence of HB ideas boiled down to their intrinsic content. When opened, the can was empty. How can this be? |
|
| |
May enquire as to your country of residence,
[squeaketh]? |
|
| |
[MB], That would be known to you as the American Colonies. |
|
| |
I assure you that my prejudices do not lie against
the Americas. Boffo, however, is very much set
against the Colonies; this may indeed explain the
absence of contents in [sqeaketh]'s tin. |
|
| |
More puzzling, though, is how [sqeaketh] managed
to order via the website in the first place. The
images thereupon are intended for illustration only,
since the Wax is normally available only by personal
arrangement or at selected retailers. |
|
| |
Hold on a sec, I thought Boffo was late? |
|
| |
//More puzzling, though, is how [sqeaketh] managed to
order via the website in the first place.// |
|
| |
It was most likely via one of those emails that claim to
require “your Utmost confidence in extracting from the
nation 11,200,000 (ELEVEN mILLION TWO HUNDRED
tHOUSAND) tins flenting wax from account held via local
solicitor in the name of Deceased party RENTSHAM”. |
|
| |
//I thought Boffo was late?// He's invariably late -
his watch is still set to Burma timezone. At one
stage it was thought that he was permanently late,
but it turned out to be a false alarm. His speech is
still a bit slurred from the embalming fluid, mind. |
|
| |
Are you referring to the infamous 'Smolensk Incident' or the
thing with the walrus? |
|
| |
The 'Smolensk Incident' has been blown up out of all proportion as, indeed, was
much of Smolensk. And the less said about the walrus the better. |
|
| |
Boffo's closest brush with the thereafter was the result of sharing one too many
draughts of reindeer urine with a family of Saami during, I believe, the winter of
'57 or possibly '63. He had determined to continue drinking all night, neglecting
the fact that, at that latitude and at that time of year... |
|
| |
But, in any event, all's well that ends well. He still writes to them regularly,
although I've told him there's no point as reindeer can't read. |
|
| |
//His speech is still a bit slurred from the embalming
fluid, mind.// |
|
| |
I thought you'd finally gotten him to quit that stuff?! |
|
| |
He's off the formaldehyde based fluids, which is
fortunate due to their increasing scarcity. The
transition over to the methanol based fluids was
reasonably smooth. |
|
| |
I don't think I can let this slur on Boffo's character
pass unremarked. He has had access to a wider
range of intoxicants, hallucinogens, euphorogens,
dysphorogens and other gens than most chemists
encounter in a lifetime. Yet never has he
succumbed to addiction to any one of them.
Combinations yes, but that is a different matter. |
|
| |
Perhaps you do not recall his early work "Down and
out of it in Paris and London"? Or his pioneering
three year in-depth research on absinthe "How
Green was my Fairy"? And yet now he takes
absinthe only to celebrate St. Chad's day. That,
sir, is not the willpower of a man who would
succumb to the temptations of the simpler
hydrocarbons. |
|
| |
//More puzzling, though, is how [sqeaketh] managed to order via the website in the first place.//
Answer: The website has a "back door" which only requires using a little html2 code, a Groupon, and a small bribe to a gentleman named Huxley who resides in Madagascar when his artificial knee is not acting up. |
|
| |
I didn't know it was made from Bassett hounds - that would
explain the odd smell. |
|
| |
//I didn't know it was made from...// may I refer you
to the "Inside Story" button on the Rentisham's site? |
|
| |
I was wondering if Boffo would, or indeed could,
comment on the sinking of the RMS Lusitania?
Much has been made of the mysterious 'second
explosion'. Popular theories include an explosion
of dust in the almost-empty coal bunkers and the
possibility that it was carrying prohibited
munitions. However, the propensity for British
sailors 'stock up a bit' on essentials such as Rum &
Rentisham's, and the need to store such national
treasures away from the prying eyes of grasping
colonials could be meaningful. Were British sailors
forced to stow Rentisham's in a coal bunker? Was
Rentisham's involved in the 'second explosion'. Did
the incident influence the shift in Naval policy
toward storing all flenting equipment only in the
well-protected magazines of warships? |
|
| |
I heard rumors that there was a dollop of Fopp
aboard, presumably in an Irishman's toiletry kit. |
|
| |
There have been rumours that the Lusitania was
carrying several containers of Rentisham's from
the infamous "bad Candelilla wax" batch of 1895,
but this is highly unlikely. Aside from the fact
that the sinking took place twenty years after that
batch had been produced, it has also been
established that the quantities that escaped the
urgent recall program would not have been
sufficient to cause major damage. |
|
| |
The last incident attributable to the infamous
"bad batch" took place in 1973, when a small
canister forming part of an historical tableau at
the Imperial War Museum conflagrated, damaging
a display case but causing no injuries. |
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I have secured supplies of Runtisham’s and am going to be offering them on ebay next week at vastly reduced prices. Anyone on here want some right away send me a private message and we'll do a deal. |
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N.B. this is not the "real thing" it is a cheap Spanish knock-off (note the clever spelling to get round trademark infringement!) but it looks and smells the same and the packaging is a blatant rip-off as well, and to be honest no-one will notice the difference when you get down to business. |
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... this is how empires fall... |
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Though I have no personal interest in the matter, I
would caution [pocmloc] against antagonising the
legal department of Rentisham's. |
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Perhaps you have heard of Charles Snett, who sold
counterfeit Rentisham's in Argentina in the late
1990s? |
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Or perhaps you have not heard of him. That is the
point. |
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Absolute rubbish. This is not counterfeit Rentisham’s. Like I said, it's Runtisham’s, with an u. Anyway one of the head legal bods is going halves with me on the deal, most of them do some kind of moonlighting dontchaknow? |
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Yes I can do mousemats, how many thousand do you want? It'll take 2 weeks to get them printed up once we agree a price. |
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does this mean the legal department returned from
his lunch? |
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//This is not counterfeit Rentisham’s// |
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You might try discussing that with Rentisham's legal
department. He's quite easy to spot - about six foot
six. In each direction. |
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He generally resolves these little matters without
having to trouble Boffo - I believe this is known as
'plausible deniability'. |
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I'll have none of this sham runty product. The original is clearly superior, or so I'm told. |
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//But wasn't there a misundertanding in the 80's
Brazilian sales market ? // You would have to ask Mr.
Snett's widow about that. |
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[RayfordSteele], I applaud your sagacity. No other
product unconditionally guarantees "Always the Full
Effect", and a wise man _always_ insists on
Rentisham's. |
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Do let us know how your burler holds up. |
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Well, things have come to a pretty pass, whatever
that means. |
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Does the similarity of this product's name to the phrase Rent-a-sham suggest anything to anyone? |
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Yes. It suggests that you have not read the notes on
the correct pronunciation of "Rentisham's". |
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I once made a pretty pass to a young lady of my acquaintance in Bombay. Unfortunately the effect was totally spoiled by the failure of the air conditioning system in the hotel and the rather fierce ambient temperature caused my generous layering of Rentisham's to run down my fizzog and it just looked as if my face were melting. I never saw the young lady again. Mind you, in those conditions, I consider myself damn lucky that the whole mess didn't just burst into flame. After all, surrendering yourself to the tender mercies of the Bombay Fire Service is a fate worse than a fate worse than death. |
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//my generous layering of Rentisham's to run down
my fizzog// |
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Telegram to Michael Rentisham-Ffoulkes: "URGENT
STOP SUGGEST HALT PRINTING OF '1001 USES FOR
RENTISHAMS' STOP UPDATE REQUIRED STOP DETAILS
TO FOLLOW STOP" |
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This whole discourse is reminding me strongly of the glorious Flanders & Swann "Wompom" song, e.g.:
You can do such a lot with a Wompom,
You can use every part of it, too!
...
O there's nothing that a Wompom cannot do...
|
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Ah, nobody could play a "..." like Donald Swann. |
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And of course, the venerable Kings Singers' |
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Jenks's Vegetable Compound [link]. |
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//No other product unconditionally guarantees "Always the
Full Effect"// |
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Indeed. As a matter of fact, this guarantee is taken so
seriously that it has never been honoured—any product that
proves to be less than wholly efficacious in the hands of the
consumer is presumed to be counterfeit. |
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Now available "Kosher" and as always made with "real
sugar." And just like most bottled water, it is "trans
fat free" |
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But still no "Rentisham's Lite Flenting Wax" |
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//any product that proves to be less than wholly efficacious//
Ah, what you need is Lily the Pink's Medicinal Compound which, if the advertising is to be believed is, indeed, most efficacious in every way. |
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//Now available "Kosher"// |
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Rentisham's has always been adequately kosh, and
they have not seen the need to introduce
something even kosher. From the History page: |
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"Many people have commented on the
adaptability of Rentisham's Traditional Flenting
Wax to the many new demands placed upon it,
and have tended to assume that the Wax was
reformulated and 'modernised' to cope with these
demands. Nothing could be further from the
truth. Whilst production methods were updated
and improved regularly, the formulation of
'Composition 766' has proven time and time again
that perfection cannot be bettered." |
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//Cannot be bettered//
Yes but in advertising saying "new and improved"
always spurs new sales. And if i follow this thread
correctly (which i most likely do not) It is more about
advertising than about the actual product. Which by
the way is now more Kosh than ever |
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//Yes but in advertising...// |
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Rentisham's does not go in for the garish hawking of
wares. It seeks not to attract customers but to
somewhat hesitantly meet the demand of those who
are committed to quality with a lower-case but
clearly enunciated 'q'. |
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A world where Rentisham's was made, distributed
and advertised like the other garish offerings
peddled by fly-by-night quick-buck merchants
would not be a pleasant one. By now it'd be fetid,
machine-gacked fluorescent green nonsense,
named "R-Sham X-Wax 2-D-Maxxx!!" or something
equally repulsive. |
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It'd probably be offered in a remorselessly tedious
'combo' with some infernal vibrating plastic burler. |
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Thankfully, due to Boffo's steady hand at the tiller,
this is not a world we occupy. |
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After years of inability to procure Rentisham's wares,
local "dealers" brewed batches in their basements.
With no clear instruction on how to administer said
ointment more people now die from this, than the
Mountain Dew addicted citizens of the Appalachians. |
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The Government has now instituted an anti-
Rentisham's campaign. |
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Dear Rentisham's Webmaster, |
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We note that your website is stated as being designed for "a Baird 17" screen with subdued colour gamut and oak surround. Stereophony is required for optimal experience." |
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Until recently, we had no problems accessing your site on our Newcomen-Babbage Individual Calculating Engine, which we had upgraded with a Jaquard extended high-capacity data store and a Marconi "One-Key" input system, using a Lumiere-Tesla optomechanical display running at a remakable two frames per minute. |
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However, we recently went into PC World and a very attractive young lady told us that our system was antiquated, superseded, hard to maintain, and very vulnerable to viruses (we believed her, as we think there may be a bit of woodworm in the main rocker beam that connects the piston to the sweep arm). |
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So we handed over our credit card and came home with the "latest" 3 Ghz desktop computer with a 600mm widescreen 1080i LED display, Dolby 5.1 sound, 4Gb of fast RAM, dual 1 Terabye SATA III disks, and Windows 8 Super PRO special elite edition. |
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Now, your website loads very slowly, and both the colours and the layout are all messed up. |
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Fortunately, we still have the old machine as the people from the Science Museum are still arranging the crane and lorries to take it away. |
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Do you have any suggestions ? |
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//I was told the formula is on the Pirate Bay// |
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There is certainly _a_ formula on the Pirate Bay.
However, it contains an unfortunate typographical
error, resulting in the words "under NO
CIRCUMSTANCES" being replaced with the word
"always". Most
unfortunate. |
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//Do you have any suggestions ?// How long have
you got? |
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//Do you have any suggestions ?//
I had the same problem, but a little Rent'sham's Wax on the SATA III disk spindle solved it forthwith. |
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I'd like to set the record straight on the so-called
Rentisham's Lite fiasco. This was a foolish and pre-
emptive marketing ploy from a reckless distributor
who figured that the hype might somehow
persuade Rentisham's to lower it standards, simply
to appeal to the modern-day rapid flenter. |
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Drying time aside, I can see no benefit in a 'Lite'
variant to the standard. I did once try Callusham's
thinning ointment in combination with
Rentisham's, in order to hasten the flent, but
never again! |
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//a foolish and pre- emptive marketing ploy from
a reckless distributor// actually an ex-distributor.
Moreover, whilst he may have considered it pre-
emptive, Rentisham's had (and never has had) any
intention of empting. He was thus mis-emptive
rather than pre-emptive. |
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As for Callusham's thinning ointment...well.
Callusham's introduced it to overcome the
tendency of their wax (and I use that term quite
loosely) to congeal at the first sign of frost. The
most obvious downside of this approach is the
complete breakdown of flegativity if the flented
items are subsequently exposed to more equable
temperatures. |
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Rentisham's, of course, consists of a balanced
blend of waxes, oils, flegatives and emollients
which retain their consistent consistency
consistently over a wide range of temperatures,
from the deep briskness of an Arctic winter to the
searing heat of the Gobi desert. |
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//the complete breakdown of flegativity//
I once had, but have misplaced, a very nice wall chart called the Periodic Table of Waxes, arranged much like that for the Elements. In the corner of each little box was a number indicating the "electro-flegativity" of that wax. As I recall the electro-flegativity increased from lower left to upper right, telling a waxologist in training which waxes could be best combined for a given industrial purpose. If anybody knows where I can find that chart, let me know.
I also recall strong warnings against certain wax combinations, as they could lead to explosions and/or hair growth on one's knuckles. It is well known in the waxing world that Rentisham's violates these well considered warnings. |
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I think it'll be a long time before we see the popularity of 'Rentisham's' waning. |
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Morning [Max]. Just thought of a marketing slogan you
might be able to use so I thought I should share. |
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For gods sake end this endless stupid post. |
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Marked for deletion. Nonsense. |
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[Kansan], this is one of the few HB products to have
successfully made the transition to reality. Google it and
you'll find the sales website made necessary by its
popularity. |
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//Marked for deletion. Nonsense.//
In case you hadn't noticed, much of this website is nonsense, and the inhabitants are likewise nonsensible.
Viva el absurdo! |
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That's because European governments are using up their
hard nonsense reserves faster than they can print new
nonsense. |
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//For gods sake end this endless stupid post//
I think you are confusing the annos with the original idea, which was quite well and clearly explained I thought...so obviously it wasn't really written by MaxwellBuchanan. Probably it was ghost written for him by one of the staff. |
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//Probably it was ghost written for him by one of
the staff.// No, they just handle licensing deals and
keep up the supply of vellum. |
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"The problem with designing an idea to be MFD-proof
is that MFDers are so very ingenious." |
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There's a hole in the bucket, which people have noticed.
Whatever. |
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Is there a name for that tight lipped semi-smile (not not a
smile) you make when you're resigned to something? There
should be. (link) |
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That would be a “grimace”, which comes from the
name of the popular(?) McDonald’s advertising
character, because it’s more or less the face you
make when your only option is to eat at
McDonald’s. |
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But you can sort of twist it into an insincere smile.
Maybe it
could be called a "schmile". |
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Wonder if I can trademark the advertising slogan
"Let's settle
for McDonalds!" and sell it to them. |
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