Quill Mouse

Imagine a darkened garret somewhere in the forgotten bohemian heart of the city, illuminated only by the guttering light of a dodgy second-hand monitor. Peering in through the grimy dormer window, we can see a tortured artist at work, possibly dying of consumption (not of the currently trendy "mass" kind), scribbling furiously at his desk, trying to immortalize the yearnings of his beleaguered soul before his (inevitably tragic) destiny overtakes him.

But lo! What shite through yonder window breaks? 'Tis an idea, hopefully worthy of a bun. What does our young poet hold in his hand? It's hard to tell beneath the frills of his pretentious Laurence Lllwellyn-Bowen-type shirt, but he's actually grasping a Quill Mouse.

Based upon the humble biro, the Quill Mouse is an actual Ostrich feather which has been "modified" by cutting-edge technology technicians. As is often the case with such "tortured souls" as our starving poet, Mummy and Daddy are rather generous in their allowances. The tip of the quill is a tiny rollerball, which performs much the same function as the ball in your bog-standard mouse. So the quill controls your computer cursor. Tapping the end of the quill sharply against the desk causes the (tiny) spring-loaded ball to make contact with a switch - the equivalent of a PC right-click. Two taps are a double click - three taps in quick succession equate to a left mouse button press. And the whole thing communicates with the computer via wireless technology. Somehow (and now I'm beginning to think that this nameless poet's surname might have to be "Gates") all this technology can be strung together and fitted inside the hollow stem of an Ostrich feather.

Of course, after this hapless poetic genius has used his quill mouse to open "Ye Olde Worde" from his parchment-wallpapered Desktop, there needs to be handwriting recognition software to ensure that he can scribble away on his desk and still be safe in the knowledge that all his frenetic scratchings will be translated into actual purple prose. Quite a tricky prospect.

Still, even if current handwriting recognition software is not quite up to the task, he can always just open Photoshop, scribble away, and use a couple of filters to make his doodles look like Da Vinci originals. Perhaps I should now post an idea for a charcoal plotter-type printer.