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BorgCo are proud to unveil the latest innovation in combined illumination, home heating, decor and extremely dangerous and inadvisable use of flammable gas.
The Dragon is available in a number of sizes and styles, but there are two basic models, indoor and outdoor.
The indoor type is around 300
- 500 mm high, and is a carefully fashioned, coloured model of a dragon. In the interior of the model is a receptacle for a can of propane or butane, as used in portable stoves.
When connected to mains power and activated with the RF remote control (infra red wouldn't be good, you'll soon realise why) the dragon "wakes up". Its red beady eyes glow, it moves its claws ocasionally ... and if you look into its slightly opened mouth, you'll see a tiny pilot light.
Every now and again, the dragon looks around, opens its mouth, shoots out a jet of real, hot flame, then settles down again. On the DeLuxe models, it is hoped that the size of the flame will be adjustable, and that the flame failure device will be rather more effective than in the current design.
The outdoor model is anything up to the size of a small car, with an optional "cave" to lurk in. It contains a large cylinder of gas, and the flames are proportionately larger, more impressive and consequently dangerous. Now and again, the dragon comes out of its lair, looks around, puffs some fire, then retreats again.
Comes with a pack of "Beware Of The Dragon" warning notices, a set of fire extinguishers suitable for various classes of fire, and a large tub of burn cream. Virginal young maiden not included.
Dragon Burners
Dragon_20Burners
Prior art acknowledged. [8th of 7, Oct 09 2011]
Guards ! Guards !
http://www.goodread.../quotes/show/130148
The Great Man speaketh ... [8th of 7, Oct 09 2011]
Fireproof harpsichord
http://www.vam.ac.u...ge/44983-popup.html
For [pertinax]. Seems incomplete though, only 1,928 precious and semi-precious stones - seems to be gaps between some of them. [pocmloc, Oct 11 2011]
Once again the Halfbakery turns prophecy
http://news.cnet.co...gest-walking-robot/
Built by zee Germanz, of course. [Alterother, Sep 13 2013]
[link]
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The home model should include a combo-lock safe
that rests under the dragon, for gold and other
valuables. [+] |
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Maybe the top of the line model could add in a
chemical doping system, so my green dragon could
shoot green flames, etc, but all in all this seems
dangerous and illegal in most places, so perfect (+) at
least for those without inquisitive children or pets
that they care about. |
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[+] Is there a matching mechanical St. George? To
stage
a battle every day at noon, like a mediaeval town
clock? |
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(Presumabaly, also, there's an undocumented "anti-
cat" feature?) |
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St George appears only if you can find a virginal young maiden to be rescued. So in all probability, no. |
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Yes, of course there will be an undocumented anti-cat feature, are you mad ? |
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//in all probability, no// Since, if you'v got a virginal
young maiden in the household, the last thing you
want to do is advertise it. Right, of course, silly of
me. |
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How well does the outdoor model handle rough terrain,
how fast can the primary armament traverse and fire, and
is
there an optional de-icing feature for winter deployment? |
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Also, will it run on acetylene or <involuntary shudder>
MAPP gas in emergencies? |
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// am willing to pay extra to fund the additional target acquisition software // |
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No need; the base model comes with that as standard. |
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Not specially well; it's designed primarily for suburban gardens, with smooth lawns and paved areas. |
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// how fast can the primary armament traverse and fire // |
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60 degrees of arc per second, 90 degrees of traverse each side of longitudinal axis, elevation 45 degrees per second, +/- 30 degrees to horizontal.
Once the guidance system has locked on, time to weapons discharge is better than 500 milliseconds. Range about 20 metres. Automatic compensation for range and windage is built into the software. |
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The jet nozzle uses an innovative "top and bottom" feed from the fuel reservoir. When producing a theatrical "puff" of flame, only gas is released, and there is no air mixing, so there is just a big, slow, yellow flame.
However, when the weapons mode is activated, the centre aperture of the nozzle is connected to the base of the fuel tank, causing a powerful jet of liquid to be discharged along the centreline of the flame.
This is much more ... impressive. |
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// and is there an optional de-icing feature for winter deployment? // |
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Can be aftermarket fitted on the DeLuxe, standard on the "Smaug Special". |
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// acetylene or <involuntary shudder> MAPP gas // |
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Not acetylene, needs to be a liquid. Not been tested with MAPP, but should work. |
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Purchasers should note that the indoor model is proportionately much more restricted, and is therefore limited to only being able to incinerate a relatively small and slow-moving target, for example a kitten, at ranges of 3 to 5 metres. |
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I'll take one Smaug Special with de-icing kit and Lonely
Mountain-style artificial cave. It may not keep _them_
from marauding the open roads, but at least I can sit at my
library window and watch the blinky bastards burn on my
lawn. I assume overseas shipping is free for preferred
clientele? |
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This is your best idea for the year beginning Oct2011. |
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At last I shall have my revenge... [+] |
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While I find this idea exquisite, I must bone it due to
exclusion of the young virginal maiden. |
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Yes, well, you go find your own, mate. They're not "excluded", they're just in very short supply. |
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// At last I shall have my revenge... // |
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Nice move on suppressing the "MUHWHAHAHAHA !" there, [Alt] - deer have sensitive hearing and scare easily. |
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Strangely, they don't seem to notice motorbikes ... |
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I still maintain that it was a willful act. That four-
stomached tree-munching cloven-hoofed sunuvabitch was
trying to kill me. |
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It's hard not to empathize with its motives. |
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There is an orkish word, 'grod', that I find describes our
relationship to a tee, Borg. It means 'favorite enemy/most
hated friend'. |
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It will need a slight redesign of the fuel system, but then we were planning on that anyway. |
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The upgrade will include an "alarm clock" option, so the owner can enjoy the smell of napalm in the morning ... |
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Doubly appropriate, given the greater context here. |
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Erm, call me some namby-pamby tree-hugger, but hydrogen/oxygen... |
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a) It's (borderline) more ecologically friendly |
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the 5000 degree flame would be handy for starting barbecues and/or cutting through the front door lock if you forget the keys, instant cremation of mice/cockroaches/insert name of target species of your choice.. |
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c) some kind of high precision targeting device to lightly scorch off one eyebrow from door to door salesmen at 100 metres. |
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Can you fix it so hellish blasts of smoke and fire come out its butt? This would discourage anyone trying to sneak up on it from behind while it is in "Protect" mode... [+] |
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// call me some namby-pamby tree-hugger // |
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Okay, I will, you namby-pamby tree-hugger. |
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There's the range issue to be considered, though.
Generally speaking, gases that burn cooler can be used to
produce much longer jets of flame; liquid propellants go
even further. Remember, when using fire as a weapon, it
doesn't have to burn very hot, there just has to be a lot of
it. |
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Purchasers should be aware that the Smaug Special comes with a manufactured weakness in the chest area which may cause it to explode at an unexpected moment. |
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// Can you fix it so hellish blasts of smoke and fire come out its butt? // |
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Actually, we fervently hope to fix it so that hellish blasts of smoke and fire don't come out its butt. The level of casualties in the R&D team has gone from "serious", through "severe", thence via "alarming", "unsustainable" and "critical" to "total". And that's just since yesterday. |
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Once we have that detail under control, we will add the feature back in, so that it happens only on command. |
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// a manufactured weakness in the chest area which may cause it to explode at an unexpected moment. // |
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If only it were just the chest area that had that problem. |
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Still, with all the advance interest from potential customers, Sales and Marketing are looking cheerful and rubbing their hands. Damn. Oh well, there's a downside to everything. |
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// there just has to be a lot of it // |
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You won't be disappointed. Really, you won't. Surprised, terrified, panic-stricken, yes. Disappointed, no. In its current state of development, the system consistently exceeds all expectations, including the one about not exploding violently without warning and dropping bits out of the sky up to three kilometres away, upwind. |
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A "Patio Heater" model would be useful - to instil a sense of apprehension and dread in the kind of people who like basking in the warm glow of a patio heater (rather than, as people used to do if they wanted to sit outside in the middle of winter, going and putting a jumper on). |
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Clearly what you would need to escape such a device run rampant would be a rocket bear. |
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It just so happens that [The Alterother] has recently
purchased a fleet of Rocket Bears to bolster his anti-
teleporting-deer army. They should be here Thursday. He
is perfectly happy to loan them out to those in need of
hasty escapes. |
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That's a damn good idea, hippo. A big, cast-iron dragon rampant would look fantastic in your pub beer garden. |
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Except based on current performance of the prototype, its manufacture would not be permitted by a number of Strategic Arms Limitation Treaties, to say nothing of the Noise Abatement Society, the Kyoto Protocol, and Roseanne Barr, who apparently holds some sort of copyright on gigantic hideous scaly ugly fire-breathing monsters. |
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//The level of casualties in the R&D team // |
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..."casualties in the D&D team ..." FTFY |
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STRENGTH=28 SPEED=14 GOLD=235 KEYS=2
You are in a Corridor
You are facingNorth
There is a Door to your West
There is a Door to your East
> Go W
You are in a Dungeon
There is a sword here
There is a Chest here
There is a flaskhere
There is a Dragon here
The Dragon is attacking STRENGTH=4 SPEED=3 GOLD=235 KEYS=2
> Go E
You are dead.
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Had I thought for a moment that the title was a literal description of the idea, I would have found this sooner... I really wish I had come in around the "virginal maiden" parts. |
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// I really wish I had come in around the "virginal maiden" parts. // |
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Are you familiar with the term "statutory rape" ? |
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Stupid question, forget it. |
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//I really wish I had come in around the "virginal maiden" parts.// |
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//statutory rape// That was Pygmalion's crime wasn't
it? |
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[4whom] We saw what you did there, and you should
be ashamed of yourself. |
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Or smug and self-satisfied. It's a judgement call, to be honest. |
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Best ask the (former) virginal maiden. |
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Now, don't go Orffing all over my brand-new Smaug
Special. I just got the damn thing out of the crate. |
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//the "virginal maiden" parts// |
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{wanders past, thinking of harpsichords and how they might be fireproofed} |
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