h a l f b a k e r yWe have a low common denominator: 2
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Given the huge increase in the human population since
the Creation of the first humans, it is almost inevitable
that all
the major deities are now facing severe issues regarding
customer service. Most deities have long been
outsourcing a lot
of prayer handling, either to junior deities or
to saints
qualified in particular areas. But even this doesn't seem
to be
addressing the problem.
Part of the problem is that demand for attention from
any one deity is likely to fluctuate widely over daily and
weekly
timescales, depending on the global distribution of your
adherents, and their choice of sabbath. Natural
disasters will
also strain the resources of any deity from time to time.
An earthquake, tsunami or meteor impact will result in a
spike
in demand for whichever god(s) have the largest market
share in that region.
All in all, then, it's a bit of a mess. Prayer-answering
services become either inefficient (with surplus capacity
at times
of low demand), or overstretched at times of high
demand. And in the end, it's always the customer that
loses.
MaxCo. is therefore ethereally delighted to introduce
Prayershare.com. Prayershare is an online service for
amalgamating, consolidating and redirecting prayers on
behalf of major deities.
Are you a god or a member of any holy trinity? If so,
becoming a Prayershare member has omnipresent
advantages.
Instead of receiving customer enquiries directly, requests
from your faithful will be filtered, classified, prioritised
and
rescheduled to make the best use of your resources and
smooth out the peaks and troughs in demand. During
periods of
low demand you agree to handle some prayers from
subscribers to other faiths (and earn a small commission
on each
such transaction). And during your busiest times, a
proportion of prayers from your flock will be redirected
to other gods
who have spare capacity.
Peak demand arising from natural disasters, annual
festivals etc is likewise smoothed out, allowing you to
streamline
your prayer-handling department and make considerable
savings in staff and infrastructure.
Gods with over 100 million adherents may also wish to
consider our Prayer Consolidation Service. The PCS
intelligently
pre-screens prayer requests and identifies those which
can be consolidated. Instead of dealing with thousands
of
requests to end a widespread drought or rid the world of
infidels, you will instead receive a single consolidated
request,
saving vast amounts of duplication whilst maintaining a
high level of customer satisfaction. Worried about losing
that
"personal touch" feel that you're so proud of? Don't be!
Prayershare can add customisable features to ensure
that each
adherent feels as if their prayer - even if consolidated -
is being answered personally.
If you're in the godding business and haven't signed up to
Prayershare.com, contact us TODAY and start streamline
YOUR
religion. Prayershare.com - it's a godsend.
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Annotation:
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I would like to know what your small print says about schism, when adherents of one deity split into two acrimonious groups, each adamant that the other's deity is false, which new deity gets to keep the username and the credit on the account? |
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Add CurseShare for HALF PRICE this month only! |
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//what your small print says about schism//
Sensitive, religion-specific prayers are prioritised
for attention by the requestor's original deity
where possible, or by a deity with a compatible
business model. For example, an Anglican prayer
to "please god, send me a bacon sandwich" may be
rerouted to a catholic god, but will not be directed
to an Islamic or Jewish deity. |
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Our welcome pack for new members includes a
very comprehensive check-list that covers diet,
polygamy, afterlife, smiting and all other key
features. Of course, the wider the scope of
prayers a deity is prepared to handle, the greater
their revenue from fielding surplus prayers from
other gods. |
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"Next up, Collateralised Sin Obligations ... a safe bet ? " |
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Did I omit to mention our Deity Indemnity service?
Provides both statutory and extended insurance
against claims of negligence, malpractice and
culpable smiting. Optional wrath cover available. |
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Can you also include prayer offset service, whereby
adherents on both sides of a sporting event or
political issue (for instance) are paired off and
informed that their prayer was canceled by a specific
competing prayer? |
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We tried that - the potential cost-savings are huge.
However, it led to unrest. |
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// We tried that -the potential cost-savings are huge. However, it
led to unrest // |
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To be precise, one of your ancestors tried that; "led to unrest" is
a trifle of an understatement considering that the English Civil
War went on for over nine years.... |
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//Did I omit to mention our Deity Indemnity service?
Provides both statutory and extended insurance against
claims of negligence, malpractice and culpable smiting.
Optional wrath cover available.// |
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I noticed that you skipped over "Acts of God". Was this a
mere oversight or an attempt to avoid shenanigans? |
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//you skipped over "Acts of God"// We looked into
the whole AoG area
to see if we could extend our portfolio. |
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The first issue with AoGs comes down to liability
and insurance.
However, you then get into a situation where
you're insuring a deity
against lawsuits arising from acts which he/she has
intentionally
committed. Of course, you could insure against
_unintended_
consequences of AoGs (for example, if your locust
plague infests areas
that you didn't intend to smite). But, more-or-less
by definition, all
consequences of AoGs are _intended_ : that pretty
much follows from
the whole omniscience thing. |
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We also looked into combined or shared AoGs. For
instance, it's cheaper
to send one large flood than it is to send two
smaller ones to smite two
different groups of believers (or infidels). Or, in
some cases, a really big
Act might need the combined resources of two or
more gods. However,
co-ordinating AoGs between deities turned out to
be a legal and
theological nightmare. Since then, we've stayed
out of the AoG field,
and we leave it pretty much to each god. |
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Customer service is where the safe money goes. |
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