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Pet Translator

 Your pet will now talk to you as never before
  (+9, -3)
(+9, -3) 		  [vote for,
against]

At minimum, at MINIMUM, we can now give a kitty a nice little collar which will, when said kitty starts purring, speak out with: "i'm feeling very content right now..." or some other feline equivalent.

At MINIMUM, with today's technology, we can monitor a dog's blood pressure & general stance to detect when they are going into fits of territoriality, and equip this dog with a collar which SPEAKS to anyone nearby: "Beware, I have been agitated, and I may bite you at any second...do not approach me, I will not be rebuffed...", etc.

This doesn't sound like a stretch with today's technology, and the "minimum" scenarios described above could be sophisticatedly extended to include all manner of animal posturing, given enough time & ingenuity on the part of the technician. Imagine a dog or cat that, upon seeing you enter the house, says to you: "Behold my wandering master, I bow my head to thee, it is thee I beg for my daily feed, so that I may grow stronger & thus more able to serve thy whims..." A more perfect world? Perhaps not. A more fair one? Probably not. A more direct one? I like to think so...

—trentd, Feb 08 2001

(?) "Pss pss pss... here, kitty, kitty, kitty..." http://www.cs.india...e/audio/oh_shit.wav
[Monkfish, Feb 08 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

(?) Similar idea on idea-a-day.com. http://www.idea-a-d...playDate=11/05/2001
[egnor, Feb 08 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Japanese Pet Translator http://news.bbc.co....1480000/1480010.stm
Available for purchase next year. [Aristotle, Feb 08 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

Bow-Lingual http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BowLingual
Right on schedule. [waugsqueke, Oct 15 2002]

(?) Universal Animal Translator http://www.design2d...imal_translator.htm
Erm, prototype. [jutta, May 26 2008]


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Annotation:







       This would only be useful if it could be reprogrammed to make friends' cats speak entirely in Rudy Ray Moore samples.
—Monkfish, Feb 08 2001
   

       Or in George W sound bites. But most cats aren't that stupid, are they?
—RobGraham, Feb 09 2001
   

       Imagine hearing human assumptions of cat's fighting quotations late at night along with the yowling!
—badoingdoing, Feb 09 2001
   

       Excellent idea. I've had this in mind for about ten years and the technology is already on the scene. Start with measurable basics and as better sensors are developed the unit would keep improving. The device could monitor patterns that suggest hunger, wanting to go out, etc. Since there are so many unknowns in dog behavior and environment it would start out as just a "gee whiz" device but would get better and better as its own technology improves. Waugsqueke is right... I wouldn't exactly trust the manufacturers to bother with implementing a good voice for the device. Anyone remember the Baby Jesus commercial from Saturday Night Live?
—timvasquez, Apr 17 2001
   

       I would hope for a gangsta version shortly.
—absterge, Apr 17 2001
   

       This is impossible because if invented by man would have human interpretations; totally useless. Either learn the animals body language and calls or get one of them to invent it.
—griffin, Apr 17 2001
   

       Dogs are social beasts and I think a certain amount of communication is necessary to their mental health. Example:   

       Dog, looking out living-room window: Bark! Bark-bark!
Human, in kitchen: Shut up!
Dog: Bark-bark! BARK!
Human: SHUT UP!
Dog, very frustrated: BARK-BARK-BARK-BARK!!
Human, banging pot: BAD DOG! &**#$#!!!		   

       Version with translator:
Dog, looking out living-room window: Hey, there's a stranger messing around with your car!
Human, running from kitchen: Holy s**t! Thanks! GOOD DOG!		   

       An experienced Dog Man such as meself (ahem) fosters communication--a little while ago my lab-border collie mix said BARK-BARK and then, because I was soaking my sore back in the tub, came running in to get me, saying broweeeer, eeermmmnnn. So I had to get out, because someone was at the door. GOOD DOG, Onix, you done yer duty.   

       A translator collar might help inexperienced owners start picking up their pet's natural language.
—Dog Ed, Apr 17 2001
   

       Dester's Lab had something similar as well. What happens when an already aggrevated and confused pet becomes further incited by the irate human voice nearby? And I like the idea of expletives to replace barking/yowling.
—nick_n_uit, Apr 18 2001
   

       The Japanese are preparing to bake this (see link).
—Aristotle, Aug 08 2001
   

       'All your bone are belong to us.'
—angel, Aug 08 2001
   

       I'm with Griffin on this one. Our dog communicates VERY effectively usinig body language alone - to the extent that my wife knows when I've treated her (the dog) unjustly when she (my wife) has been out of the house. D'oh. Pet voice overs are for those who don't live with animals, are too lazy to learn their methods of communication, or terminally brain-rotted Perfumed Aunts. Oh, and Hollywood.   

       However, I have to say this is the first time I've seen anything on the subject anywhere which has attempted to apply existing technology and wasn't straying dangerously towards WIBNI territory. So (+).
—egbert, Oct 15 2002
   

       but this bring everybody to the brink of insanity with the incessant; 'feed me, feed me ,feed me,feed me, feed me ,feed me,'
—sheepman, Oct 15 2002
   

       I wonder whether the device in Aristotle's link is available yet?
—yamahito, Nov 16 2002
   

       Just take the time to watch your pet's behaviour. If you spend time with them and use your brain you'll get a lot of it anyway. e.g. Cat:   

       Eyes wide open: I am feeling a little uncomfortable with your presence.   

       Eyes closed or half closed: I am relaxed and I like you (a smile).   

       Tail straight up: Hello!/Feed me   

       Tail up and curved over at top: Whats goin' on/inquisitive.   

       Rising note: Inquisitive   

       Soft rising note: arent I damn cute? submissive   

       as well as the obvious ones such as lashing tail and growling: I am prepared to and may be about to shred your face dawg so BACK OFF!!.   

       Dogs Waggy tail: happy, thick and pleased to see you.   

       Head on one side :whats goin on   

       Bum in air head and front legs down : play with me.   

       Ears flat: scared and defensive.   

       Jumping around yapping: ermm..could be one of a million things...ok croissant.
—squeak, Jan 23 2003
   

       Oye, squeak, you cannot be 100% sure of that thought. Sub-bloody-missive? Never.
—The Kat, Jan 23 2003
   


 

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