Permanently implanted BlueTooth earbud

I used to scoff at the self-important jackasses who walked around wearing their bluetooth earbuds nonstop. Unfortunately, I too have now become one of those jackasses. Despite the fact that people who see the wrong side of my profile commonly think I am talking to myself, I am hooked on wireless handsfree communications.

I propose opening a clinic down in Mexico, or some other country with lax medical regulations. They would remove the internal electronics of a standard off the shelf Bluetooth earbud and encase it in surgical grade titanium. This would be implanted in the soft flesh behind the ear.

The device would have two small projecting tabs made of dissimilar metals. These tabs, along with the naturally alkaline blood of your body, form a crude battery to power the device. Much power would not be needed, because the output signal from the electronics, instead of driving a power hungry loudspeaker, would be connected via microscopic gold fibers directly to the auditory nerves. The microphone element would be replaced with a piezoelectric sensor mounted flush to the surface of the device, and would respond directly to the vibrations of your speech.

In the likely event that my poorly conceived blood-battery scheme proves troublesome (ie by giving the user heavy metal ion poisoning) power could instead be derived from a standard internal lithium cell. An inductive pickup coil would be used for re-charging. You would keep a special mat under your pillow with built in coils and electronics to inductively charge your device each night while you sleep.

Of course, deliberately exposing your head to electromagnetic radiation each night may lead to an increase in brain cancer. So as a prophylactic measure, the exact frequency of the inductive charging current would be carefully tuned to match the resonant frequency of a typical white blood cell. The induced sympathetic vibrations would give your immune system an invigorating boost, actually reducing your overall cancer risk. It might also just kill all your white blood cells, more research is needed…