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Have you found yourself outnumbered in a hostile ninja
bar
again with nothing but the change in your pockets to
toss at
your would-be opponents? Well make no haste on your
way to
the Penny Press Shuriken machine next to the condom
and
aspirin vending machine in the bathroom. For a fifty-
cent
fee
(per shuriken), you can turn those spare pennies in your
pocket
into a hail of razor-edged sucker punches.
The shuriken penny press works like an advanced version
of the
machines seen at tourist traps all across the penny-using
world. But instead of flattening a single penny and
stamping "I
visited tourist trap #671" on it, it requires a few more
turns of
the crank as it folds together and flattens five pennies
multiple times into a single circular sheet. The final step
stamps a star shape out of the sheet and drops it into
the
receptacle bin for you to grab. Dangling by a chain from
the
machine is a whetstone that you can use to sharpen your
new
weapon(s), if you have time.
Won't your adversaries be surprised that you went into
the WC
with (feigned) gastrointestinal discomfort, but came out
flinging death.
Traditional Penny Press
http://en.m.wikiped...wiki/Elongated_coin
[swimswim, Sep 24 2011]
Coins as Shuriken
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shuriken
(ninjas have always had spare change) [swimswim, Sep 24 2011]
a ninja bar
Ninja_20drinking_20buddies
suggested product location: employee lounge [swimswim, Sep 27 2011]
Not a real ninja...
http://www.bbc.co.u...gland-kent-13198766
//Because if you ever see a ninja, that's not a ninja// , nor if he has a Facebook or Twitter account. [theleopard, Sep 27 2011]
[link]
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Yeah, because nothing deters ninja attacks like 2.5 grams
of sharpened copper... |
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\\gastrointestinal discomfort came out flinging
death\\ Where did you hear that?! Have those idiots
in Marketing been blabbing again? Our new line of
weaponized intestinal flora doesn't roll out for
another six weeks. |
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// Coins as Shuriken // (link) |
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A little bit of reading reveals that the coins most often
modified into shuriken were Chinese Lo Han Chin or similar
tokens, which were usually made of bronze, were
considerably heavier than pennies (1-3 oz., typically) and
often weren't even round, ranging in shape from square to
octagonal. |
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I'm not a ninja, but I own and am quite proficient with
swords. If you tossed a handful of penny shuriken directly
into my face, it might slow me down and would definitely
piss me off, but I'd still cut you in half before you were
three steps from the men's room. I've never been to a ninja
bar, but this would not be an effective weapon in a
longhouse brawl. |
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That's all very well for *you* to say, but what about
people who don't wear glasses? |
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Good point, [21Q]. I'll be sure to add a warning
sticker. "For best results, add to your assault with a
weapon from the Penny Press Katana machine to your
left." |
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I don't wear glasses, but I figure the chances of a coin-
tossing restroom ninja hitting both of my eyes in one throw
are pretty damn low. Plus, if I've been fighting already
and/or had enough mead to work up a proper berzerker
rage then it won't matter if I can see. |
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Like I said, I got a laugh out of the idea, but as an
impromptu weapon a sharpened penny wouldn't be much
more useful than a normal penny. A distraction, at best,
which is only useful if your plan involves something a bit
nastier following the coins... |
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<a few seconds later> ...which is exactly what [swimswim]
came up with while I was typing my long-winded bullshit. |
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Cool, makes me remember making these in shop class. |
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I got to be the whacking dummy for a guy with a blackbelt in kendo once. He couldn't hit me anymore after a couple of weeks but I never did hit him unless I cheated... and that one time I said screw it, took one to the skull but ran the tip of mine from his collar bone to his other ear. |
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ahhh,
good times good times |
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This is a note from the manufacturer:
One penny
=
2.5 grams;
5 pennies = 12.5 grams (approx. weight
of the shuriken produced by this machine).
(Added subtitle to clarify) |
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Oh, so it combines several pennies into a single shuriken?
Well, at least that elevates it from nearly useless to a
questionably effective single-use weapon that can easily
be recovered by your foe and used against you. I'll stick
with my longsword, thanks. |
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If a Penny Press Shuriken vending machine was not immediately handy, I wonder if a resourceful non-ninja could make use of a nearby train track, subway or El to form a makeshift shuriken or two from a handful of coins. While it is difficult to see how this method of manufacture would provide any royalty benefit to the inventor, and it may be no more effective a deterrent than other posters have already noted, one might hope that a large enough stack of strategically placed pocket change might succeed in derailing an entire traincar and taking out the ninja opponent rather spectacularly. |
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//Have you found yourself outnumbered in a hostile
ninja bar again// - but why would you even go into a
hostile ninja bar? |
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//why would you even go into a hostile ninja bar?// for a bet? |
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PPS'es are not distributed at random, and
one of the basic principles of our product location
strategy is "not //nearby train track, subway or
El//". |
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//but why would you even go into a hostile ninja
bar?//
The most obvious answer is that you *wouldn't*, if
the sign over the door read "Hostile Ninja Bar". |
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//I'll stick with my knives and Lazy-Eye
Dog//
Target audience: people with nothing
but the change in their pockets. |
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The idea should specify "very sporting and fair-minded hostile ninjas". |
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Are you insinuating that ninjas have small bladders? (and thanks for the fishbone shuriken) |
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<hastily relabels machine as Penny Press Caltrops and
moves it to a Roman Army Bar>
Oh shucks yes, your intense logic-karate attack has laid
bare a shameful weakness: the product design was
based on the flawed assumption that ninjas are dull,
oafish sluggards.
</hrmappcamitarab> |
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The heavy hand of the primipilus on [swimswim]'s shoulder interrupts his exit from the Roman Army Bar. Apparently the praefectus fabrum would like a word, and so would several veteran dull, oafish sluggards out the back. |
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Remind me never to get on [2 fries'] bad side. |
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The obvious solution to thwarting a pending ninja attack is to find a penny handkerchief dispenser, throw back some rum, and tell some dark tails of your last campaign against the Spanish merchant fleet. |
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The thing with ninja bars, is that nobody knows that they are ninja bars. As the general populace's heads nod and loll in drink-swaddled song, all about them, hidden amongst the shadows, ghost-like forms whip and flit in the darkness, going about their ninja ways. Sometimes the ninja barman will pour and distribute a series of drinks in the blink of an eye, no more than a flurry of black in someone's peripheral vision, before taking and making change for a ninja-tenner. |
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Because if you ever see a ninja, that's not a ninja. |
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There must be one ninja who's the ninjest. |
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Stop it right now. This is nunning to chuckle about. |
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Must have been something you ninjested. |
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Stop it, or I'll do myself a Ninjary. |
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"Warning: the products from this machine may not cause injury or death" |
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// Stop it, or I'll do myself a Ninjary. //
Hah! |
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