Penetrative porn

Being a healthy young female porn user who likes a flutter ‘down below’ at least five times a day, you can imagine my frustration when I spent a few days at my mum and dad’s for Christmas last year - only to discover they had a powerful porn filter installed in their WIFI connection. (The default setting of course: Mum and dad would rather spend the rest of their short lives in a porno desert than let the Sky guy think they liked looking at bare bottoms. But it raised the question, a revolting one to think about, but a question nonetheless- how were mum and dad getting their own Jizz jollies? I knew dad had spent a lot of time recently carefully restoring an old zoetrope of a man mounting a horse- surely it couldn’t have been... adapted?)

Anyway, put that out of your head, and consider instead me hunting voraciously for monster cock movies, boner-thons and cum extravaganzas, but finding all I could get were a few horrible and very still pictures of penile surgery, a lot of chlamydia bar charts, and some sex offenders on death row. (Was the ISP trying to throw a bucket of cold water over me? Well, it was working)

Being decidedly non-technical I didn’t know where to start to get this embargo lifted, short of asking mum and dad, which was clearly out of the question. (They are both prone to heart fibrillation). Even using my own initiative and googling “ how to get around a porn filter” only landed me back at the dreaded blank screen, (the Shield was as cagey as an old school ma’am) and face to face with a Christmas of cold turkey.

And then I remembered! The SPECIAL PORNOGRAPHIC EMERGENCY RESOURCE TANK (SPERT)! Set up for just this kind of emergency! SPERT is special, as the first letter tells you. SPERT is an emergency resource tank. (Which means it’s a website, but T was better for the ackronym.) SPERT is a not as good as the transporter beam in Star Trek, but more practicable and far ruder, bringing delicious eye candy through impenetrable barriers to where you need it most.( Actually, it’s more like the time transporter in Terminator, as they are nude.) Given a choice between SPERT and other things beginning with capital S like Scientology, I know I’d pick SPERT any day.

If you’ve ever seen so-called bistable imagery like the famous illustration “what’s on a man’s mind” attributed to the great Sigmund Freud, you’ll know how SPERT works.

For anyone who hasn’t seen it, it’s a picture of Freud’s face in profile, innocuous enough at first glance. But look only a little harder and suddenly “fwwooargh!” - you see that the top part of Freud’s head is made of a reclining nude lady and his eyebrow is actually fashioned from her fluffy pubes. Can you see where this is headed? Well, famous though it is, this pen and ink picture alone is hardly enough to get the juices cascading, but a little bit of technical wizardry later, the portrait of Sigmund has been updated, so that the lady on his forehead is not just reclining, now she is getting plenty of hard-core attention from a man on top of her. And no mere line drawings but fully fledged live action video, with actual porn stars. (Or it could be hentai I suppose) This makes Freud’s forehead look a bit odd when you look at it now, with all this action going on in front of his nose, leading to his pince nez falling off and his eyes popping out of his head. In fact he doesn’t look much like Freud anymore, more like hmm.. a Clingon twitching quite a lot? But who cares? The main thing is computers can’t see the porn: they can only see the dear face of Freud/Worf! Break open the brandy butter! The Sky Barrier is broken! And that’s the story of how Christmas was saved.