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Penetrative porn
Like a ninja of porn, or a sexy ghost sliding through your bedroom wall | |
Being a healthy young female porn user who likes a flutter down
below at least five times a day, you can imagine my frustration
when I spent a few days at my mum and dads for Christmas last
year
- only to discover they had a powerful porn filter installed in their
WIFI connection.
(The
default setting of course: Mum and dad would rather spend
the
rest of their short lives in a porno desert than let the Sky guy think
they liked looking at bare bottoms. But it raised the question, a
revolting one to think about, but a question nonetheless- how
were
mum and dad getting their own Jizz jollies? I knew dad had spent
a
lot of time recently carefully restoring an old zoetrope of a man
mounting a horse- surely it couldnt have been... adapted?)
Anyway, put that out of your head, and consider instead me
hunting
voraciously for monster cock movies, boner-thons and cum
extravaganzas, but finding all I could get were a few horrible and
very still pictures of penile surgery, a lot of chlamydia bar charts,
and some sex offenders on death row. (Was the ISP trying to throw
a
bucket of cold water over me? Well, it was working)
Being decidedly non-technical I didnt know where to start to get
this embargo lifted, short of asking mum and dad, which was
clearly
out of the question. (They are both prone to heart fibrillation).
Even
using my own initiative and googling how to get around a porn
filter only landed me back at the dreaded blank screen, (the
Shield
was as cagey as an old school maam) and face to face with a
Christmas of cold turkey.
And then I remembered! The SPECIAL PORNOGRAPHIC EMERGENCY
RESOURCE TANK (SPERT)! Set up for just this kind of emergency!
SPERT is special, as the first letter tells you. SPERT is an
emergency
resource tank. (Which means its a website, but T was better for
the
ackronym.) SPERT is a not as good as the transporter beam in Star
Trek, but more practicable and far ruder, bringing delicious eye
candy through impenetrable barriers to where you need it most.(
Actually, its more like the time transporter in Terminator, as they
are nude.) Given a choice between SPERT and other things
beginning
with capital S like Scientology, I know Id pick SPERT any day.
If youve ever seen so-called bistable imagery like the famous
illustration whats on a mans mind attributed to the great
Sigmund Freud, youll know how SPERT works.
For anyone who hasnt seen it, its a picture of Freuds face in
profile, innocuous enough at first glance. But look only a little
harder and suddenly fwwooargh! - you see that the top part of
Freuds head is made of a reclining nude lady and his eyebrow is
actually fashioned from her fluffy pubes.
Can you see where this is headed?
Well, famous though it is, this pen and ink picture alone is hardly
enough to get the juices cascading, but a little bit of technical
wizardry later, the portrait of Sigmund has been updated, so that
the
lady on his forehead is not just reclining, now she is getting
plenty
of hard-core attention from a man on top of her. And no mere line
drawings but fully fledged live action video, with actual porn
stars.
(Or it could be hentai I suppose)
This makes Freuds forehead look a bit odd when you look at it
now,
with all this action going on in front of his nose, leading to his
pince
nez falling off and his eyes popping out of his head. In fact he
doesnt look much like Freud anymore, more like hmm.. a Clingon
twitching quite a lot?
But who cares? The main thing is computers cant see the porn:
they
can only see the dear face of Freud/Worf! Break open the brandy
butter! The Sky Barrier is broken! And thats the story of how
Christmas was saved.
Not The 9 O'Clock News, "The Ayatollah Song"
https://www.youtube...watch?v=8iPgOBoqsaQ Apropos hippo's quote. [DrBob, Feb 05 2018]
[link]
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You may want to google " bubbling ", which is a form of artistic interpretation similar to what you describe. |
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Basically all but the bare bits are blocked out, allowing the viewer to imagine that they're seeing more than they really are. |
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I did look up bubbling, so far only found being the skill of
weeing in ones own mouth - I need to try harder
obviously. I mean I need to look harder for your kind of
bubbling |
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Your idea is interesting, IT and I give your anno a bun. But
it is an invisible bun, as you said balls about my stuff
before, and anyway I dont know if you can bun an anno |
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//Jesus H Christ This is filth, utter utter filth// |
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Those very words have been written here more often than you know. |
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Have you considered just taking a USB stick with you when you visit your parents? |
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p.s. I meant to plug into your computer. |
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THANKYOU MB //being decidedly non technical // I didnt
think of that. Then suddenly I did think of that. And
discovered I had an iPad which didnt accept these sticks |
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My gut is telling me that DD is not female. |
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Damn, and I was so sure I could pass as a woman and a
Trekkie! How hard could it be? But cover blown. And they
say Sherlock never existed |
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You shouldn't have yielded so easily. I was enjoying the lack of continuity in your gender, like some kind of split personality disorder, but a charming one. |
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I began to worry how you were mentally flipping my gender
back and
fore, mitexla, causing me to strobe into a virtual
hermaphrodite,
like an abstract version of ITs porn feed. This had to stop
for your own sanity. And your dude-wife was getting upset |
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Ps I was just being silly mitxela, about you having a dude-
wife (in case I offended you. ) Hopefully I didnt but, you
know.. these long online silences.. |
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You know when people are not around and a little email
bounces back so and so is not in the office. You could
have this in annos so nervous people feel reassured. Like
mitxela is not around right now but hes almost certainly
not offended by any thing you could have said, you lovely
person. |
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and.. OH HELL .. to all you hermaphrodite dude wives,I
didnt mean to imply people must be offended by being
called blurred lady-dudes. If only we could all please
ourselves like you can |
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Sorry... just .. sorry to everyone. Except the Ayatollah |
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{Adjusts turban, strokes beard} |
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Ayatollah this was a bad idea. |
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In my gut there is an endeavor.
Of bacteriums who wish for forever.
Yet none of this fakery,
In this half bakery
Just a shitload of bad puns, whenever.
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<NTNOCN>"Oh Ayatollah! Won't you Khomeni closer?"
</NTNOCN> |
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This idea almost got me in trouble at school the other
month. |
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I was in a web development class, and I suggested to the
instructor (for that's what they're called at this school) to
load up the Halfbakery as an example. This idea was
listed
on the frontpage, and he closed it as soon as he noticed.
Fortunately, the purpose of the example had already
been
served. Actually, I got off really easya few classmates
went
to the site to see what the problem was, but I don't think
they stuck around at all, and now they probably think it's
a porn site. |
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Anyway, you need a VPNtell your parents you need it to
connect to your work/school networkor an iPad Camera
Connection Kit, which enables connection of lots of USB
things to an iPad, not just cameras (though I think that
was
only made for the 30-pin iPads, but [IT] seems to have an
alternative that might work for Lightning iPads, not just
iPads Pro). |
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And I don't think your idea would work (and neither would
bubbling or steganography or two-part images, if the
filter
creator felt like blocking them). Porn filters, AFAIK,
usually
just have a manually created list of blocked sites rather
than
using AI to recognize what you're looking at. (If they used
AI
only, they would be bypassable by HTTPS.) |
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How about a little garter belt with attached USB stick, loaded with favourites. The mind is a powerful instrument. |
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There isn't Lightning to Ethernet, or even Lightning to
Thunderbolt? (I don't know how the latter would work,
because Thunderbolt is based on PCIe, but it would be cool
in a meteorological way. Thunderbolt to Lightning would be
feasible, I imagine, but that's backward.) |
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//Mum and dad would rather spend the rest of their short lives in a porno desert than let the Sky guy think they liked looking at bare bottoms.//
Granted that the scenario is entirely fictional but even so, anyone who is using Sky for their internet connection is clearly already living in a desert of the imagination so I doubt that they would even know that there is such a thing as filtering. You judge them too harshly, these fictional parents of yours. |
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