Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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There goes my teleportation concept.

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Pain Measurement Helmet

 Instant readings of the probable pain factor of a situation!
  (+1, -9)(+1, -9)
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Worried that that roller coaster will be unsafe? Well, worry no more! With the Pain Measurement Helmet©, you can easily assess the potential of a situation.

5 levels of indication! Safe, Unsafe, Hospital Trip, Probable Death, and HOLY HELL!

Instant readouts! Just push the button, state your attempted goal, and the optical sensor measures your surroundings! Easy as that!

For example, a field test. Joe, the tester is standing on top of Stupidly High Cliff with the agonizing Moronically Placed Pointy Rocks below. He pushes the button and says "600 foot fall". The machine thinks for a second and states "Safe." Joe hops off, and is promptly killed by the landing.

[Note: We take no responsiblity for stupid person's actions while wearing helmet. Remember, falls are SAFE, landings are UNSAFE. Always use a condom, and say "Hell yeah!" to drugs. Thank you.]

—Tracer Bullet, Jan 16 2002

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       Holy Hell.
—bristolz, Jan 16 2002
   

       Not really. You'd be surprised how many idiots there are in my town who need this.
—Tracer Bullet, Jan 16 2002
   

       I like the thought of this device saying 'Safe' regardless of the situation. Or - just as good - the device moving from 'Safe' through 'Holy Hell' the closer the person gets to the rocks below. Darwinism in action.
—phoenix, Jan 16 2002
   

       I laugh at your second thought there, [phoenix]. Funny image.
—bristolz, Jan 16 2002
   

       Technically, you can't measure something which does not yet exist -- so this product would be more accurately described as a Pain Prediction Helmet

Wierd potentially self-referencing loop of intermediate intellectual curiosity value: would the helmet be able to consider the difference wearing it v. not wearing it would have on future pain? For example, if the situation were "get hit on the head by a 5 lb. hammer dropped 2 feet," then the presence or absence of the helmet itself would make quite a difference in the pain.
—quarterbaker, Jan 16 2002
   

       wired
—po, Jan 16 2002
   

       Halfbaked: Peril Sensitive Sunglasses.
—bookworm, Jan 16 2002
   
      
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