"Raymond! You're late to the performance again!"
"I'm sorry, I stopped along the way to—"
"Ssshh! The show's starting."
"Odd. You told me that we were going to see the orchestra...
but
all
I see is five people standing on the stage. What is this trickery?"
"Well, this isn't any traditional
orchestra. It's rather special, in
fact.
Are you familiar with one-man bands?"
"Yes. They're those street performers who play several
instruments
at
once. I recall seeing a man with a bass drum strapped to his
back,
a
kazoo in his nose, and tambourines on his shoes just last week."
"That's what these men do for a living. But instead of playing
solo,
they work together—a sort of one-man band... band. Look,
they're
strapping on their equipment!"
"Fascinating. That strapping fellow off to the left seems to be
blowing into two airbags under his armpits. Ah! The bags go into
the
two trumpets that he's holding. And he has a tube hanging
around
his
neck that goes into the two trombone slides that are strapped
to
his
knees. But what's that tube he's sticking down into his rear— My
God!
it goes to a tuba!"
"Yes, he's the brass section. He fuels up on beans before every
show,
for the low notes. And that man on the right—"
"He must be the woodwinds. Oh, how charming! A piccolo in
each
nostril, a saxophone in his right hand, and a bassoon strapped
to
his
back, with the mouthpiece bending around his neck. And I
wonder
how he plays that flute, clarinet and oboe combination in his
left
hand."
"Now see that rotund gentleman in the back, Raymond. He's the
percussion! Poor man, he can never sit down during the show.
Those
mallets on his backside would be quite uncomfortable. Look
how
he
uses them to play the timpanis behind him. Of course, he also
has
a
high-hat over his head that he plays with a quick foot motion,
and
a
crash cymbal as well. He uses the stick on his chin to play the
xylophone and glockenspiel on his chest. And his other foot is
used
on that marimba."
"You forgot to mention the bass drum, snare, tom-toms and
gong."
"All played with his free hand during interludes. Don't forget
the
woman next to him. She's the string section. Isn't it amazing
how
she
uses that extra-long bow to play that row of violins? She has a
viola
on her back, hidden from view—but who cares about that,
anyway
—
and the cellos are off to her right. If you look closely, you'll see
that
her stool is actually a double bass, bowed and played with her
feet."
"And how resplendent the conductor is, with his many batons
attached to his fingers, elbows, and knees. Is that really
necessary?"
"...No, it isn't. It's more of a stylistic choice, really."
"Wait! Who's that reedy chap stooping in the corner over there?"
"Oh, him? He's the French hornist. They couldn't find a place for
him."